10 true facts I made up myself

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Okay, just a few more I’ve found through intensive research:

[ul]
[li] I have bloodlines to royalty that seat me as Duke of the Ross Ice Shelf.[/li][li] My middle name is really a glyph. In church I was confirmed as the “Candidate formerly known as Paul”.[/li][li] 4 out of 5 doctors reccomend me versus the store bought brand.[/li][li] It takes 3 copies of a form 1391, and a major credit card to rent me overnight.[/li][li] That song “Play that Funky Music” was really about me.[/li][li] Sometimes, if the sun hits me just right, my friends say I have a spooky resemblance to a young John Wayne.[/li][li] Turning left at Albuquerque to get to Pismo Beach didn’t work for Bugs Bunny. It won’t work for you either.[/li][/ul]

Tripler
The UN just confirmed me as Governor of the Ross Ice Shelf.

42

  1. If you stand before a mirror, close your eyes, and repeat the phrase I’m aware three times, when you open your eyes, you will see an almost imperciptible change in your hair’s appearance.

  2. Parades were created in 16th Century England as a way to work in new shoes.

  3. The last river showboat in America is within a mile of my home. And has been converted into a secret brothel tailored to ugly people.

  4. Our God and Savior is named August. He lives in a shanty in the woods, but I lost the map to his house.

  5. Nyquil is whiskey that’s been chemically altered to be 10 times stronger.

  6. Ghosts and goblins can only be detected by the living when they fart.

  7. The St. Louis Arch in fact was not intended as the Gateway to the West. It has special magnetic properties that scientists employed to fix a slight irregularity in the Earth’s orbit. Everything’s fine now.

  8. The term Corporal is named after Maxwell Corp, a private who complained that he never made Lieutenant. Tired of hearing him bitch, the U.S. Army created the position of Corporal and promoted it to him to the new position so he’d shut up.

  9. Spaghetti-O’s often linger in the human digestive system for up to 10 years.

  10. The most oft-used substances in witchcraft, in order, are penguin tongue, lock of hair from a woman who’s only had sex twice, and rubberbands.

That’s true, you know. I heard it on Nickolodeon this weekend during June Bugs. He’d chew carrots to make the noise credible, and then spit them out. Well, that’s what Nickolodeon said, anyway.

43

All but one are lies…

Winston Churchill habitually wore his underpants outside his trousers, but had them
painted black so it wouldn’t be so obvious.

There is no word for ‘soluble’.

In Norway, you may photocopy more than 20 pages from any given book. Almost every photocopier has an attendant that makes sure you don’t break that law.

The NTSC picture format was designed by the FBI to accommodate the broadcasting of special ‘brainwaves’ to every home in the land. That’s why they have PAL in Europe.

The Euro, Europe’s new common currency unit, is worth roughly 7/3 nautical miles or ‘a bushel’.

All BMW-owners have orange pubic hair.

Liberace was a closet-heterosexual.

Oprah Winfrey collects newspapers that feature the word ‘Zlornik’ on any page.

The Iron Curtain in Germany was originally an April fools joke, but they liked it and kept it.

In Holland it is illegal to peel an orange in a traincompartment.

Diet Coke only has 1 calorie per serving, so if you drink slowly and leave a bit in the glass it has NO calories!

Everyone can make money on the stock market. Honest. It’s right here in black and white. I know this guy…

When a woman says no she really means ‘It’s gonna cost ya!’ When a man says no he really means: ‘I can’t afford that.’

Nostradamus not only predicted the birth of the Internet, but also wrote some HTML-code! Unfortunately, it cannot be read by browsers other than Mosaic.

Women never fake orgasms but pretend to fake them so men will work even harder next time.

The use of bricks is considered heresy by Protestants. They use sheepdung. Use a brick? Go straight to hell!

The song ‘Eleanor Rigby’ was meant to be played on the kazoo but the Peruvian ambassador (who was in the recording studio at the time) persuaded the Beatles to use more instruments and to loose the kazoo altogether.

By the year 2008 all women age 12 and over will have posed naked for a website.

I’m pretty pleased with myself now!

44

There are over 130,000 species of slime mold. Samples of each have been found in a gas station restroom in Sumpwater, Alabama.

Assuming Bill Gates is worth his weight in diamonds, every shit he takes is worth at least a half-billion dollars.

Golf originated with Scottish rebels who they found they enjoyed hitting the testicles of captured English soldiers with a stick.

If you put your foot on a Stingray, its owner will kick your ass.

Buffalo dung was used by Native Americans for fuel, until they moved to Cleveland.

Brad Pitt has never, ever, had the need to masturbate.

If you can read this, you’re literate!

The Donner Party forgot to take enough barbeque sauce.

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a poke! (attributed to Monica Lewinski)

There are two kinds of people in the world: Morrison’s Lament, and everyone else. (Take that, ML!)

45

1: All your base are belong to ME!
Random Thought of the Moment:
2: The “all your base” phenomenon is not just a random fluke. It was all part of the master plan cooked up by crafty the makers of Zero Wing whose ultimate goal was a huge free PR stunt.
3: Duct tape is the physical manifestation of the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
4: Zima is actually very similar to sprite. The only difference is that Zima is made from fermented limen.
5: When a Bigfoot or several bigfeet (several of the well-endowed buggers) want to take a break, they usually chill in Scotland. And that is why we have sightings of the loch ness monster.
6: Ritalin is nothing more than the product of the world’s most successful placebo campaign ever.
7: Flightless birds like the ostrich are actually just one of God’s inside jokes
8: The fact that cows possess a parallel-processing digestive system makes them hands down the most superior form of life on this planet.
9: Sleep is in the end more intrinsically rewarding than posting witty messages on SDMB.
10: To reiterate, 42.

46

Oh one more thing I’d like to add:
The universe actually is run by a unix system. In fact, black holes are nothing more than physical manifestations of the kill -9 command.

47

There is only two things more pathetic than someone irrationaly blowing things out of proportion:

  1. Invoking this irrationality in inappropriate places
  2. Thinking that poorly articulated and unoriginal sniping is a way of “getting someone back.” Not since the days of playground slamming, bucko.
48

[ul]
[li] Syzygy is greek for: “See, I told you it was sometimes y.”[/li]
[li] To avoid confusion, Barbara Streisand’s husband has officially changed his name to: “That little paper thing that hangs from a ballot Everett.”[/li]
[li] Cecil, Ed Zotti, and the rest of the SD staff are actually one and the same person. This person is currently locked in solitary confinement in the basement of the Chicago Reader, working with nothing but WebTV, a toilet, and a copy of “The Internet for Dummies.”[/li]
[li] Marshall Mathers is this years winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. His acceptance speech was oddly short, consisting solely of the words: “Yo, what skank ho did I have to mack to get this bitch?”[/li]
[li] Upon discovering the internet, the nation of Tuvalu, famous for the .tv domain, has replaced their entire alphabet with smilies. The country would now like to be referred to as: :D:eek::cool::p:wally.[/li]
[li] God appeared before a confused crowd in Topeka, KS, and proclaimed that the fundies have been right all along. The government is denying it, claiming that the fluoridation in the water supply caused a mass hallucination. Shortly thereafter, Reverend Phelps passed away from a heart attack, muttering his last words: “Shit, I thought I was just being an asshole.”[/li]
[li] Intelligent life has been found in outer space. It turns out that the chimpanzee from Mercury-Atlas 5, named Enos, was accidentally left in orbit and forgotten. NASA blames “those damn russkies” for keeping them preoccupied with other things.[/li]
[li] The Pentagon has invented a new language, intended to make life easier for soldiers by cutting down on necessary typing. When questioned, one pentagon spokesman said “wtf r u talkn bout, lol?”[/li]
[li] Accepting the possibilities of the government’s fluoridation claims, all religions have shut down their operations. The funds taking by collection will be returned in a timely manner.[/li]
[li] A new virus is discovered that has all the experts befuddled. The virus causes unexplained behavior, such as lockups, blue screens, choppy video, driver mishaps, general protection faults and many other horrible symptons. An e-mail has been circulating with the cure, telling folks that this insiduous virus has overwritten your entire OS. You must delete everything in the c:\windows directory to remove it. McAfee director and respected expert “Ila Vue” concurs.[/li]
[/ul]

49

Oh, the pain! The pain of it all! :rolleyes:

— G. Raven

50

Not only do I have to kick Morrisons Lament’s ass, but now Andgirrrrls too? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with that…

51

Chicken Lover, can I just offer my deepest apologies as to this hijack? Please, everyone, carry on with this lovely thread.

Daemon, I would advise you to take any problems with me to the pit. In fact, I’ll encourage it.

52

What gives with the asskicking threats??
Snifffff
Fact 1. I sense a bit of a… coff Cock Inferiority Complex Here? coff Or a mortally wounded pride.

Fact 2. It’s funny how some people think flexing their big ego get’s them brownie points, when all it actually does is make them look like an evil poptart.

Fact 3. Someone needs to get a life

Fact 4. I hate Spam

53

There is nothing more pathetic than Andy giving Morrison a blow job, and that IS nothing!

54

Teeming millions, might I request that if you have anything to say in regards to the above message that you take it to the pit? This is utterly ridiculous.

I’m going to ask the mods to delete that particular post. It’s just unnecessary.

Daemon, I hope you enjoy your closing hours.

55

Oops i left one out.

Fact 5. Someone, is depriving a village somewhere - of it’s idiot.

56

Lumeria was not a lost civilization, but a mysterious hallucinogen.

Straight bananas are called lima beans in some parts of the Borneo jungle.

‘The first day of the rest of your life’ didn’t apply to the Last of the Mohicans.

If you say it long and hard enough, ‘brown’ is just a stupid word.

Despite theories to the contrary, the Mona Lisa was not one of Leonardo’s better scientific devices.

Gene Roddenberry originally conceived a series called ‘Star Track’, about a group of four teenagers and a ‘c-wazy dawg’, but sample audiences indicated it wouldn’t play in Peoria.

Kevin Bacon does not appear in the Karma Sutra, not even once!

Don’t worry, tomorrow things can only get worse!

Hats will come back in fashion, as will spats, cats and sealing wax!

‘gfarhhd’ is not a word, not even in Adelaide.

Left to his own devices, he probably will. But then again…

What goes around comes arou- OUCH!

This is my first post…does it show?

‘Not working’ is only one letter and a space away from ‘networking’.

57

  1. The Chevrolet Nova did not sell well in Canada, because “nova” translates to “exploding star” in Canadian, and no one wanted to own a car that sounded like it would explode.

  2. Alexander Hamilton’s last words were, “Break the news gently to Kendrick.” Kendrick was the name of the family dog.

  3. The year Julius Caesar was killed, the Ides of March had been moved up four days to the 11th due to a bureaucratic mix-up.

  4. Once the shoe drops on the other foot, you can’t put the genie back into the can of worms.

  5. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was deathly afraid of the color yellow.

  6. The recipe for Chicken Kiev was invented in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1907.

  7. 3% of the IRS budget is spent on pens.

  8. Kopi luwak originated from an attempted practical joke, but the victim thought it was the best coffee he’d ever had.

  9. The North American bison is one of the few land animals whose body manufactures its own Vitamin C.

  10. The first and only Mexican-Japanese fusion restaurant, Tako Grande, stayed open in Los Angeles for three months before closing due to lack of patronage.

58

[ul]
[li]Up to one third of the people in television broadcasts of crowds and demonstrations are now provided by CG imagery. Which third depends on the political and corporate biases of the broadcaster in question.[/li][li]Meadow voles dislike tapirs.[/li][li]Alannis Morissette was the subject of her very own CRTC regulation in 1996.[/li][li]China concluded a free-trade agreement with the Sovereign Military Order of Malta in 1999. An exchange of cultural and technical knowledge is now underway.[/li][li]The Roswell UFO-landing site has never been accurately surveyed. Mappers complain that small topographical features ‘just seem to move around’.[/li][li]‘Dave’ is the 247th most common name in Chosan, South Korea. Family name, that is.[/li][li]Elvis had a twin brother named Clarence.[/li][li]The world is secretly menaced by evil, intelligent, and above all organized rabbits.[/li][li]A dollar invested in Tajikistan in 1897 would be worth over $1.05 today.[/li][li]The Vatican has the only extant copy of the Roman census records covering the time and location of Jesus’ birth.[/li][/ul]
:slight_smile: :slight_smile:

59

First of all, it’s spelled Nickelodeon.

Second of all, the marathon was on Cartoon Network.

About that Mel Blanc thing, I forget what it was-either he was allergic or he hated the taste if them. Either or, it’s true, I believe.

Now to end this hijack, I’ll add some extra facts that I made up myself to end my 200th POST

-Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to rabbits. Footage of a humorous 1953 mall tour exists which involves Mel and the winner of the Bugs Bunny Lookalike Contest.
-The American flag was designed by Jerry Seinfeld. There’s a small Superman in the design that can only be seen with a microscope. This led to a lawsuit between him and DC Comics. The lawsuit has not yet been settled.
-Graduates throwing mortarboards into the air after graduation is actually a secret symbol created by John F. Kennedy. If ever there is a year where no graduate throws his cap, aliens will invade the earth.
-I’m still not very funny.

60

A list of ten true things newbies need to know…

The Michigan Dopapalooza is coming up in a couple of weeks…Persephone SWEARS she was only kidding about eating newbies. (But she says they taste like chicken.)

Moderators are actually a rare and dangerous self-actualized form of Post-It Note[sup]TM[/sup]. Stay on their good side, or you’ll never see your monitor again.

Always say “Hi Opal” as the third item in any list. When you do, it makes the garage door open and close at the home of Mrs. Gretchen Shumwalt in Fergus Falls, Minnesota. This is especially funny because Gretchen hasn’t figured out why yet, and she doesn’t even have a garage.

Signatures and post counts exist in their own time dimension, separate and apart from ours. Signatures especially have fun with this, as they occasionally predict our future with unerring accuracy.

No, it’s not your connection. Got get a cup of coffee.

It’s not easy getting Diet Coke[sup]TM[/sup] off the monitor. Get it before it dries, I’m telling ya’.

“Great Debates” threads are an excellent place to discover just how intelligent and insightful some of the posters here at the SDMB really are. Now get back into MPSIMS before your head explodes!

SDMB-addiction is not yet recognized as a protected disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act. However, several class-action lawsuits are yet to be decided in the courts.

Everyone here frowns upon the use of explicit language, sexual inuendo, flirting, rude behavior, lasciviousness, graphic displays or accounts of sexual gratification, lechery, and the like, without the use of supporting cites or pictures.

Now please proceed down the hall to the third door on the left. Hardygrrl and jarbabyj will be in shortly for the indoctri-…er, initia-…er, introductions. Those pants aren’t expensive, are they?