Astronomers have discovered over 130 minor planets beyond Neptune, and are busily naming them after songs from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musicals. The one known as Jesus Christ Superstar has developed a halo.
Dr. Larry Oxnard of the National Astrological Sciences Association (No relation to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) has been tasked with cataloging all of the 130 minor planets and their numerous relationships in astrology. Said Oxnard “You know what’s going on astrologically when Mercury is in retrograde or Saturn is rising but what about Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat, Call Me Rusty, or What’s the Buzz/Strange Thing Mystifying? How do we account for those?”
The National Astrological Sciences Association disavows having tasked Larry Oxnard with cataloging the Andrew Lloyd Weber planets. “We don’t know this Oxnard dude, and we don’t know why he calls himself ‘doctor,’” said a spokesperson for NASA (no relation to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.) “We gather he lives in Blawnox, and probably has a lot of free time on his hands.”
Larry Oxnard has catalogued 37 planets as Larry Oxnard I, Larry Oxnard II, Larry Oxnard III, King Larry Oxnard, The Most Excellent Larry Oxnard, and so forth.
Larry Oxnard, aka Lawrence P. Oxnard, aka Larry Oxnard I, Larry Oxnard II, Larry Oxnard III, King Larry Oxnard, The Most Excellent Larry Oxnard, aka Oxnardicous The First, aka Nathan Thurm, aka Dr. Nguyen van Phuoc of the National Astrological Sciences Association (No relation to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration) claims to have never been to Blawnox, Pennsylvania and would have no idea why you think you saw him at the Curbside Coffeehouse at the corner of Woodland and Freeport Road last Wednesday morning.
He was eating an Egg McMuffin. In that Egg McMuffin was a concealed organic droob - spying device that provides GPS information, blood pressure counts, heartrate, body temperature and other similar information on the person once ingested. The droob was placed there by Natasha Fatale, ace operative for an undisclosed foreign power who has a diaboloical plan to upset the world’s mushroom market, which, somehow or another, may revolve around Larry’s ongoing cirrhosis of the liver.
The local dialect of Blawnox has fascinated linguists for decades. Fore example, in Blawnox an Egg McMuffin is called an “Egg-a-muffin,” a hula hoop is called a “hoolie-doo,” and the process of determining who will be responsible for a good crop in all the farms that year is called the “Lottery Winner.”
There has long been speculation that Oxnard, who runs the Blawnox lottery, has been rigging the results to enhance the accuracy of his astrological predictions. Mme. Fatale has apparently been working on a scheme to get Oxnard to further her plans to upset the mushroom market by preying on Oxnard’s physical vulnerabilities. But she may have overreached when she served him an Egg McMuffin in a restaurant not run by McDonald’s. The Ronald McDonald Secret Police have been asking questions, and Fatale hasn’t been seen in Blawnox for weeks.
The FBI is currently investigating Ronald McDonald sending his Ronald McDonald Secret Police against his enemies at Burger King. The RMSP allegedly engaged in unconventional warfare acts against Burger King franchises including having inferior grease shipped to the locations to make the fries taste terrible and sabotaging the refrigeration so the foods would spoil. When asked for comment, Ronald McDonald merely shrugged and said “We’ve always been at war with Burger King.”
Vice President Pence today commented on the relief package: “Ya want fries with that?” Fox News immediately hurtled to his defense even though no one had accused him of anything.
Nevertheless, Fox News accused Nancy Pelosi of accusing Mike Pence of disparaging fast food workers and other low-income citizens who are being hit hard by recent events.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is proud of Fox News for their continuous assault on free speech. Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh remarked, “I’ll drink to that!”. It should be reported that Pompeo and Kavanaugh were at least 6 feet apart from each other at the time, in accordance with the POTUS’s latest screed.
Donald Trump is a not-too-distant relation of Wilhelm Screed, a speech writer for both Goebbels and Hitler. He was so good at writing over-the-top bullshit that their speeches soon became known as Screeds. Though Trump’s speeches are not even in the same league quality-wise, he too calls them screeds as a tribute.
A little-known fact about Donald Trump is that he was raised with German as his first language and didn’t start speaking English until the age of seven. Native German speakers agree that his screeds are first-rate in the original German he composes them in, but are usually poorly translated into English.
Donald Trump is expected to starting speaking English any day now. Aaaany day.
The International Internet Made-Up, False and Flat-out Wrong Trivia Committee has just ruled that all Made-Up, False and Flat-out Wrong Trivia about Donald Trump will automatically be disqualified because in these unbelievable times, there is not any Made-Up, False and Flat-out Wrong Trivia about him that wouldn’t make your head spin.
[Oh. A challenge.]
Pres. Trump today resigned from the Presidency in order to focus on hand-delivering food parcels to the homeless. Mike Pence, on instructions from God, refused to succeed him and take the oath of office, so Mitch McConnell shot him down like a dog. Fox News then called for the imprisonment of all Republicans in office throughout the country, and a full-scale effort to fight climate change globally. Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as POTUS 46 by Newt Gingrich, who said this was the happiest day of his life. And then the aliens landed.
[With all due respect, Prof. P, Intergalactic Gladiator is right: random snark about The Orange One, however well-deserved, isn’t really Trivia Dominoes.]
Aliens decades ago began monitoring Earth, worried that nuclear war could break out – not between the West and the USSR or China, but between McDonald’s and Burger King. Said a spokesman for the aliens, “Think of all the fries that would go to waste.”
In a rare joint press release, spokespersons for Burger King and McDonald’s rebutted claims that huge numbers of fries that they make go to waste, insisting that the uneaten fries are part of a carbon sequestration plan that has single-handedly reduced global CO2 emissions by 25 percent.
25% of Australians prefer marmite to peanut butter on their frijoles. 25% of New Zealanders prefer marmite to kiwi on their burritos. 25% of Sioux Indians prefer you’d rather not ask such personal questions.