Number 1 in this article sounds horrible. It’s on “keqi”, which is apparently a Chinese custom of trying to appear generous simultaneously, with the effect of making sure no one gets what they actually want. For example:
I don’t participate in these sorts of things, and ever since I made that decision my life in these sorts of circumstances has gotten a lot easier. Now people who know me know how I roll and I get a straight request or a straight response the first time rather than trying to guess what they might have meant. It’s fine to have some social customs, even if they don’t serve any real purpose, but if they just result in making everything more complicated, I say get rid of them. For instance, I do say please, thank you, you’re welcome, etc. because, at worst, they do nothing, and I tend to use them to establish a state of grace around the request; hell, if anything, I over use them. At the same time, I won’t say “bless you” to a sneeze, as I see no purpose in acknowledging a sneeze over, say, a cough or a burp.
All of that said, I do have to relent slightly in some cases like on a first date simply because my MO isn’t established, nor am I sure what customs she follows and it’s silly to ruin a date from not know such a minor custom, and I feel it gives me insight into her personality. But even then, that actually serves a useful purpose from the insight, so maybe it doesn’t count as relenting afterall.
There’s really no purpose to the dance except to project a certain image of yourself. Unfortunately, where I grew up, it was even more complex - someone asks you if you want something. To get it, you have to say no, but your no has to be nuanced enough that they know you want to say yes. And before I go into an example, let me say that, yes, I know this is ridiculous. And, to paint one group with a very broad brush, it only happens during interactions with women (for me, anyway).
So, here we go:
Someone offers me coffee. I really want coffee - it’d taste good, and normally comes with cookies! - but I’m not supposed to make my hostess go to any trouble. So, of course, I’m supposed to decline. (cue wistful sigh) “Thank you so much. That sounds delicious, but I really shouldn’t.”
That prompts the offerer to say, “Please - I insist. It’s no trouble at all.”
I’m supposed to say, “You make the most wonderful coffee, but I really shouldn’t.”
Offerer is supposed to then say, “Won’t you please? I’d love some, and was hoping to have some cookies with mine, but don’t want to make it just for myself.”
Only then can I say, “Are you sure?”
Offerer is supposed to say, “Of course!”
Then I have to offer to help. Offerer, naturally, will decline because that’s what she’s supposed to do. Again, I have to ask if she’s sure. She says yes, I either stay put or accompany her and at least carry something to wherever we’ll be sitting.
Again, I think it has a lot to do with the image you’re supposed to want to project. And again, broad generalization - women are supposed to be kind to the point of self-denial. Only when someone really encourages them to indulge may they do so. That way, they’re not being greedy or piggish, they’re accommodating their hostess by taking advantage of their hospitality as she wants them to do. At least in my family. No, I do NOT do this with my friends. But I do go through this regularly with my mother, my aunt and my mom’s and aunt’s friends.
I’ve done the reverse, at least among friends and family. I bless burps, farts, and other eructions on the grounds that sneezes never did anything to deserve all the love.
I’ve gotten a few lectures on the historical belief that souls leave the body during sneezes, but I’ve remained firm.
Bless you.
My fiancee’s family is like this. They’re Mexican, and compelled to offer you everything in their house up to the deed 
. In their culture, you always offer, always share, etc to guests. Lasts New Year’s fiancee’s mom kept offering me food and I kept saying, “No thank you”. But to her, she’s hearing, “Im STARVING, but don’t want to look like a glutton in front of my hosts” so she kept putting plates of food in front of me. I grudgingly complied, but sure felt sick afterward. Fiancee told me later I could’ve just eaten a bit and said, “I’m full” then she would’ve taken the hint. Sheesh! :dubious:
Yep, the important thing is to learn how it works.
Stage One: Host gets guest to accept something.
Stage Two: Guest gets host to stop, largely by lying.
Projecting onto an external source is best, mixed with copious praise. “This is delicious! I wish I hadn’t had that late lunch today…” or “Please tell me you’ll share the recipe for this. I had an enormous, boring ol’ Subway sandwich earlier, and now I wish I’d skipped it.”
The other strategies are: (1) starve yourself on the way over, and (2) tiny portions. Taking three pea-sized helpings counts for way more than one plateful. “I’m really not hungry; I’ll just take one bite” followed by “Would you mind if I had another taste of that delicious <whatever>?” will win the hearts and minds of your hosts.
I was raised in Taiwan and Indonesia, and was blessed many times to be taken out to dinner by a Chinese host. My parents always drilled into me a few cardinal rules when it came to eating:
- Take a little of everything.
- Eat all that I take.
- If the host asks if I want any more of a particular course, say “No”. (Otherwise, he or she will feel obligated to order more of the same course.)
- At the end of the meal, if the host asks if I want more rice, the answer is always “No, thank you, I’m full”. (Otherwise, I will have just insulted the host by telling him or her that I am still hungry.)
This is one reason that I love being Scottish (1/4 blood from Glasgow). We don’t pull any crap and we say what is actually on our minds. If you offend a Scot, you will be informed of it in no uncertain terms and if they make you an offer then they actually intend you to consider it.