I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of disagreement about this, but it’s something that drives me absolutely crazy about my in-laws.
If I’m around them, they are constantly, and I mean constantly, like every two to five minutes, offering me food. It doesn’t matter what I say, they offer it and the offers do not stop until I leave.
The first time, it’s polite. The second is still polite as an “are you sure?” After that, leave me the fuck alone and stop forcing me to explain over and over and fucking over how I just ate.
These aren’t circumstances where everyone else is eating and I’m the odd one out or anything. I’m not refusing a meal that’s being served. What I’m refusing is stuff like, “Oh, are you hungry? Do you want me to fix you something?” Then the offers will continue, getting more and more specific about the sorts of things they could fix until I’m ready to punch someone.
And, before anyone asks, it’s not just me. They do it to everyone.
Dopers, if you do stuff like this, cut it the hell out. Offer once, twice if you must, then stop. Just stop.
My in-laws do this, too. I think it’s anxiety. In my case, it calms them down somewhat if I accept a cup of coffee and a cookie and let them sit in front of me, though it certainly doesn’t stop the “Another cup? Hot up your cup? Do you want some celery? Would you like a glass of water?”
In some areas I know of this would absolutely not be weird. We had some exchange students who taught us that where they came from it was completely rude to accept any food or drink offered to you the first or second time. So they’d be really thirsty, but couldn’t drink since their hosts would only offer them a drink and then maybe a “Are you sure? It’s no trouble.” but never the last offer. Maybe your in-laws are playing on the side of caution just in case.
Miss Manners has spoken about this in her columns, I believe. Her solution was much like Shoshana’s. Ask for a glass of water, and then set it down in front of you. You *do not * have to drink it.
I do sympathize though. That sounds rather annoying.
Are your in-laws Korean? Korean people never take no as meaning no when they offer food. The problem is that when someone offers you something you’re not allowed to say yes, because that would be rude. You’re only allowed to accept when the hosts shoves it in your face. So the host has no way of knowing whether you’re refusing to be polite or refusing because you really don’t want any. It’s a weird social convention that makes no sense to me. "Would you like some coffee? “Oh, no, thank you.” “Are you sure? It’s no trouble.” “Really, it’s okay, I don’t want to be a bother.” “Oh, it’s not a bother. Cream and sugar?” “No, really…” :: trails off, watching host disappear into kitchen, resigns self to third cup of coffee for the day ::
I guess it might be something similar with your in-laws as well, though - they’re not sure if you’re refusing to be polite or simply refusing 'cause you’re not interested. You’d think after a few times they’d catch on, though.
My mother grew up in a household with a Swedish/Irish mother and an Irish father. You didn’t just offer guests food, you automatically busted out tea and biscuits or anything else you had about. Stew, sandwiches, etc. My great-grandad, from Sweden said it was rude not to indulge in at least a little of the food. In fact, when he went back to visit the relatives that didn’t emigrate, he gained 20 pounds from eating so much on his daily visits to all those he knew. Sometimes he was eating 10 times a day. :eek:
So, yeah, it can be maddening, but I just playfully tease Mom when she does it. She’s well beyond being offended but she still feels it’s her duty to feed anyone who walks through the door. After she offers for the third or fourth time I finally just say, “NO! NOTHING! Thank you.” She then asks if I want some Ovaltine.
So, I guess jsgoddess, if this is the worst your MIL does, be grateful. And as others have said, just take a glass of water or some tea. She’ll feel like her hostess duties have been fulfilled and you’ll finally get some peace.
My in-laws will bring food to me and *set it in front of me * after I’ve refused three times. Towards the end of a large meal, after I am quite vocal about having enjoyed the meal but being quite stuffed now, they will continue to push food on me. It’s not just me. I have seen other guests literally put their hands over their plates in a defensive posture when my mother-in-law comes near them.
My in-laws and I dislike each other for a number of reasons. Most of the hostility can be kept under the surface for the most part. But I hate eating there. Can’t wait for that Christmas trip there!
Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Her mom asks her finace if he’s hungry. He says no, he just ate. She says, “OK, I’ll fix you something.” Some people are just like that. I like the Miss Manners suggestion…just let them bring you SOMETHING…it will make them feel like they are doing their proper job as hosts.
I’ll tell you the same thing I told my kids about their eastern European grandmother (my MIL), who would nag about your having to take some boiled, salty, cold and gelatinous dish or other. If you don’t want it, say politely, “No, thank you, I don’t care for any.” “But then she asks again, and AGAIN!” they whined. So, says I, you repeat the exact same sentence in the exact same POLITE voice. She is an old lady and you’re not allowed to be rude. After the 3rd, (or 4th, or 5th) repetition, she will eventually give up, and it costs you nothing to say one simple sentence.
However, for a general, “Do you want something” Miss Manners’s answer is the best.
Once upon a time I nearly starved my poor girlfriend (an exchange student from Japan) because when she said she didn’t want any food, I had the crazy notion that she didn’t want any food. After awhile she got so hungry that she just said yes to the food, and after awhile I got the point and learned to offer a few more times before giving up.
Korean people never take no as meaning no when they offer food. The problem is that when someone offers you something you’re not allowed to say yes, because that would be rude. You’re only allowed to accept when the hosts shoves it in your face. So the host has no way of knowing whether you’re refusing to be polite or refusing because you really don’t want any. It’s a weird social convention that makes no sense to me. "Would you like some coffee? “Oh, no, thank you.” “Are you sure? It’s no trouble.” “Really, it’s okay, I don’t want to be a bother.” “Oh, it’s not a bother. Cream and sugar?” “No, really…” :: trails off, watching host disappear into kitchen, resigns self to third cup of coffee for the day ::
Some people are just like that. I like the Miss Manners suggestion…just let them bring you SOMETHING…it will make them feel like they are doing their proper job as hosts.