I can’t complain about NOT being busy, but its strange. For the past month its been balls to the walls here for some reason, but yesterday and today are calm enough where my friends and I have had time to share silly emails.
In the spirit of my guide to how to escape monsters post, today my friend and I challenged each other with the Worst Beer we’ve had and worst drinking hangover tales. what are yours?
Here is what I wrote to my friend.
Schaefer beer- I only mention Schaefer because my uncle in Philadelphia used to buy it like crazy. I honestly think they stopped selling it in the 80’s but ewven in the late 90’s he had this inexhaustible supply in his basement. When I visited him he’d get upset if I brought my own beer saying “What? My beer and good enough!?”. Good God, it was vile. My cousin and I would get sick after half a can. I can’t believe that stuff was ever popular outside of the poorest of ghettos.
Black Label- OK, this cannot really be labeled as beer. The wiki link may not be the same Black Label I’m thinking of. Geez, this stuff was toxic. If bush had said Iraq was going to sabotage the US by exporting this crap it would have been a justifiable reason to invade. This cursed drink almost made me kill my best friend because at a party he traded our six pack of Heineken for a twelve pack of this claiming “we’re getting more beer out of it!”. Yeah, Scott, but Black Label was like $2.00 for a twelve pack! Even in 1987 dollars that was laughably cheap. I really think they made this stuff out of compost.
Red White and Blue beer- A local pizzeria when I was in college gave you a free sixpack for every large CHEESE pizza you bought. We ended up tossing it in the Baltimore Harbor in some bizarre drunken college rendition of the Boston tea Party. I think hundreds of fish died that evening.
Weidermann’s- Ok, I tried it because it was cheap. It was only one step over Red White and Blue. Even the clerk laughed at me when I plunked down my dollar for a sixpack. OMG, this stuff was bad. I only tried it because as I said it was cheap and I used to date a girl with the last name “Weidermann” briefly in High School. I’m pretty certain she’d have been upset to know this witches brew shared her surname. You know a beer is bad when a bunch of broke ass college guys refuse to drink it. Well, like Red White and Blue, but in our defense, we didn’t know what beer the pizzeria gave out until we got it)
Schlitz Malt Liquor- Malt liquor in itself is awful. But it will F u up. Schlitz though is responsible for the 2nd worse hangover I have ever had. (at least that I remember). Bed spins, losing every meal I’d eaten for that week in several bouts of upchucking, a headache that lasted 48 hours, the works. I think at one point my heart actually stopped beating in protest. The slogan used to be “Look out for the Bull! The Schlitz Malt liquor Bull!” They damn well got that right. What part of the bull I’ll leave to your imagination.
Colt 45- (Title links to a rare Redd “Fred Sanford” Foxx commercial….) Like Schlitz and Old English and a few others, Malt Liquor is targeted for inner city black folks. Back in the 80’s they had commercials that were blatant about it. Seriously. Watch these and tell me if you think you could get away with this on National TV today. This. And this. Trust me, name deleted because its my current boss and I laughed our asses off at some of these a few months ago. But Colt 45. Whew….its like drinking gasoline mixed with used dishwater. The last time I drank any significant amount of that swill was in the barracks long time ago. Not only did I get sick from like 2 cans of it, it made me doubt my belief in an orderly universe. I actually retained my belief in god, only because Satan must surely have distilled this poison.
This spoof of a Colt 45 commercial is pretty much right on target.
The worst hangover I have ever had was around 1989 or so. I had gone out with a buddy I hadn’t seen awhile to a local bar. I drove, but the bar wasn’t too far so I planned to leave my car there and walk home if i ended up trashed. Well, trashed did I get. We ran into another guy neither of us had seen since High School and got into the obligatory “I could always outdrink you” match. So I challenged him to a tequila contest. Shot after shot we did, and honestly the last thing I remember is about the 7th or 8th shot. Nothing else. I woke up at home with the worst headache I have ever had in my entire life. It felt like elves with sharp knives were trying to dig their way outside of my head. Any movement at all was met with fantastic pain between my eyes. I could barely stand up, but i did. I found a note on my bedroom door from my roommate (who was a female friend of mine) about how ashamed she was of me. That hurt, since I really respected her and her opinions.
Apparently I came home drunk as all get out and cursed her out for no reason at all. My friend had carried me in and the bothe carried me upstairs. Thats how I got home. My buddy…who didn’t really have more than a beer or 2, drove me in my car. He told me later that we stopped at another friends house because there was a small party, but i pulled my pants down and told everyone to kiss my ass. then on the way to take me home i stood up in my sunroof yelling at random people on the street and then barfed all over the roof and windshield of my car. (My friend took my car home, then washed it before briniging it back…a true bud, that guy).
Anyway I had to apologize to about 20 people the next day and I was sick for at least 2 days. But truly that hangover was the worst. I’d never been so hungover that I couldn’t tie my own shoes before. (my female roommate friend accepted my apology but she had to help me, literally, move around for an entire day. I was more ambulatory after i had thyroid surgery last year than I was then. )