Sampiro, my dad has non-Hodgkins lymphoma. There’s Hodgkins and non-Hodgkins. Non-Hodgkins is curable, and the chemotherapy is very easy on the patient compared to a lot of other cancers.
The “money symptoms”, so to speak, of non-Hodgkins (from my understanding of it) are swollen lymphnodes (in the cheeks; they make victims look fatter than they are, for lack of a better description) and otherwise unexplainable muscle fatigue. Both develop so incredibly gradually that you wouldn’t notice, though. But when my dad got on chemo, he gained back all of the energy he used to have, over a week, which he had lost slowly over a period of a handful of years, and the difference is amazing. It’s like he’s 20 years old again. Looks slimmer, too; he got a lot of compliments after they took the lymphnodes out.
My thoughts are with you, Sampiro. Like many of the other Dopers here, I’ve deeply enjoyed reading your stories about you and yours, and I hope that things can be resolved.
Sampiro, I don’t have any sage advice for you; your family is far, far too complex for me to feel competent to weigh in on what’s going on. Except to tell you that because I love your writing so much that I try to read every word you write about your family, I’ve really come to care about you and them because you’ve made me feel as though I know you and them. Your gift with words has turned your Momma into someone amazingly real, considering I’ve never met and probably will never met you, her, or anyone else in your family. I want to yell your brother for being a selfish dick, and slap your sister and then hug her for being so crazy and unreliable. And I want to revive your daddy from where he’s mouldering in his grave and kill him all over again for screwing you out of your college fund by getting a bull jacked off.
Please don’t let the assholes stop you from venting here. And if you feel the need to vent further upon them? Please feel free. You do it so well.
Generally, yes (wills are governed by state law and I know nothing specifically about Alabama). It is a question of proof–when a document is properly signed, witnessed and notarized (or whatever the state requires), we believe we can be confident that it reflects the maker’s will. We also think that something can be acceptably proved to reflect the maker’s will when the entire document is written out in the maker’s hand. OTOH, there is a danger that someone might modify a word or typed document, substitute a page or trick a confused person into signing what they think to be a signature page to a different document (which is then attached to a bogus will). That’s the rationale.
Sampiro, I know you don’t know me from Adam, but you’re on my list as one of the best & most entertaining posters here. So, while you may have a point that the pain is not immediate to me (or anyone else) here, I am worried - albeit electronically removed - about both you and your mother (Kathy a little bit, your brother, not so much ) and send nothing but the best wishes for the best possible outcome.
Vent to your Southern heart’s content.
Got no advice on the will/funeral thing. My mother has hers all done up & paid for, I just have to show up at the funeral home - whenever that should occur. sigh
Sampiro I do know your mom. Ok, it’s because I do know people who are so similar to her and being southern, I get this image of her, I just know is one hundred percent correct. If I had just happened to have been in the ER room of that hospital and overheard your mother’s diatribe, I would have known instantly that I was hearing your mother. I say the Board should amend it’s sig line rules and let you use the whole thing. Even without knowing it, your mother has composed a well and truly worthy pit rant. Just beautiful!
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with your mother and you.
Dearest Sampiro,
I read every word, I always do. I feel like I know you as others have expressed. Good luck with the will. I think, as has been suggested, that getting her to see what will happen if she doesn’t have a will is the best way to motivate her to sign something.
As for the housing situation I think if you move into her place that’s liable to come back and bite you in the ass later and you’re likely to find yourself living with the woman when you didn’t want to do that again. I think it’ll still feel like her house and she’ll feel free to come home if circumstances change.
I have great admiration and respect for your relationship with your mother. Best wishes and good luck to you and your family.
Julie
PS I have a dear friend who lives in Montgomery who is also a writer. He moved home to AL from Florida when his mother got sick with lung cancer so he could care for her in her final days. He wrote a book it. Strange coincidence. I’m going to have to call him.
Here’s hoping Mama continues raising holy hell at the hospital. May you sleep well, and dream long and deep of Orlando Bloom wearing nothing but a pirate’s eyepatch and a smile.
Have you thought about pre-planning? I don’t want to be insensitive, but perhaps your mother can tell you exactly what she wants, make the plans in advance with a funeral home, and then Kathy can’t do jack shit, since it’s already taken care of.
I’m not going to press her on the funeral preps just yet.
IF the biopsies and all show “no cancer” I’ll wait a respectable length of time and readdress it. If they do show cancer and it’s probably terminal, then I’ll let her go through the Five Stages of Death (1- denial 2- .38 caliber 3- .22 caliber 4- 9 mm 5- acceptance) and bring it up again. A friend sent me this work-safe link which personally I’d opt for if I just had to pay more than $1000 for a shoebox.
The will’s more pressing. And the “her own house and her own stuff” statement (which is basically Sisterese for “you’re handling this one cause I can’t deal with it here or down in my neck of the woods either one”) has my stomach as tied in knots as the cancer ordeal. I’m sort of between Iraq and a hard place as I can’t live with my mother when she’s HEALTHY, how the FUCK (pardon my fucking French) can I when she’s going through chemo and or radiation and or whatever AND be expected to get up and go to work in the mornings (and then of course there’s the narcolepsy issue- I’m exhausted when I’ve spent the day sleeping, though to the family “narcolepysy” is the Latin form of “lazy ass”), and WHY THE FUCK CAN’T MY SISTER SEE THIS?
Of course one reason is that my sister has a flat-out phobia of death. This is the woman who gave her old dying dog human steroids and human heart pills and painkillers a few years ago because she couldn’t deal with having her put to sleep or the dog dying (or rather, this is the woman who hypothetically would have done so about ten years ago= I won’t say she really did as that would be illegal and I would never mention anything that would conceivably get her in troubledoped up her old dying dog on human steroids, so I’m just saying that had the circumstances presented themselves it’s something she would have done about ten years ago [Eddie Izzard]alternately nods and shakes head[/Eddie Izzard]). She dealt with her mother-in-law’s on again/off again bouts of cancer for almost 20 years (finally mostly on-again during the last few years) but only because her husband’s an only child and she had absolutely no choice, but she’s FUCKING TERRIFIED of going through it with my mother, and part of me is very compassionate and understands and the other part of me says "GET THE FUCK OVER IT! GET THERAPY AND DEAL WITH IT IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT SHE’S YOUR MOTHER TO AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORK ANYMORE AND I DO! I’m more than willing to do my share (and to split my brother’s share- he’ll do some occasional weekend duty or whatever I’m sure, but very rarely) but she’s clearly wanting to stick me with the lion’s share of this and I resent hell out of it.
Sorry for venting, but the point is that bearded ladies can shave, but an alligator woman is just stuck like that, so she needs to accept if the guy she dates is high maintenance.
There is nothing I can say that will ease your burden, except that the extended Director’s Cut of Kingdom of Heaven was released yesterday. Would three hours of Orlando help?
Sampiro, I’m offering up my good thoughts for your mother, too.
As far as the advance directive goes, you could speak with her physician. Many hospitals and clinics give forms to every patient, making it part of the routine paperwork that illness can’t survive without. Also, if it’s presented by a medical professional, she might take it more seriously. It could even cause her to consider need to record the rest of her wishes.
No matter what anyone says, you are the hero in all this.
Here is a helpful website, particular to Montgomery County.
According to several Alabama county court websites (one of which is cited above), in Alabama, a will must be: 1) written*, 2) signed by the maker; and 3) witnessed by two people. *Written does not mean hand-written. (A holographic will is one that is hand-written by the testator and not witnessed. These are valid in some states, the policy being that something written in someone’s hand most likely reflects that person’s wishes; holographic wills do not appear to be valid in Alabama).
THIS IS EASIER TO DO THAN IT SOUNDS. You certainly don’t need the blessings of a lawyer (damn their oily hides). Do this NOW, even if it’s only with that thing on your mama’s computer, so long as that reflects your mama’s wishes.
However, know that your are doing this ONLY to preserve what your Mama’s wishes are; it has already been noted, but it still appears to still elude many posters – dying intestate will have no adverse federal tax consequences on an estate of less than 2M, and dying intestate will have no adverse federal tax consequences where there is no surviving spouse, regardless of how large the estate is (save the ability to make certain charitable tax free contributions). In these situations, dying intestate means you're resigning yourself to the state's statutory method of distribution; it does not mean the state gets more (this answer changes where there is a surviving spouse involved – which is not the case here – or a large gift or a big estate*).
one of the great boons of the “anti-death tax” movement has been to convince a sweeping majority of Americans that the estate tax somehow affects them when it clearly does not – lots of $, worry about the estate tax; otherwiese, chill.
Best of luck pal,
) and send nothing but the best wishes for the best possible outcome.