At this link, without so much, as a “by your leave” or a “cheerio, old chaps”, Sampiro returned to us several days ago.
There should have been a Grand Return OP! I just happened on seeing him in the CS thread RE Borat on the Daily Show & did a double take.
Welcome back, Dude!
Welcome back threads belong in MPSIMS.
Also, welcome back Sampiro!
It’s so nice to see you back again, Sampiro! I gives ya a big, warm internet hug!
:: doing the happy dance ::
Yay! I was gonna start a Welcome Back thread yesterday, but- OOh! Shiny!
Anyhow, let me be the first to
*runs and tackles **Sampiro *in a bear hug
before **Kythereia **gets here!
So glad to see you back, 'Piro!
Welcome back, Sampiro! Consider yourself hugged! As you can see, you’ve been missed very much around here.
Welcome back! “Who’s this?” you ask? Just somebody who enjoys reading your posts…
Hooray! Welcome back!
Glad to see you back here, old bean!
Welcome back, Sampiro! I’m very, very sorry to read about your mother. hugs Thought she was going to outlive all of us just out of spite…
I’m also delighted that you’re back, Sampiro.
Daniel
Sampiro, I hope life is stable, I missed you, and welcome back.
I have to admit, I would dearly like to know how things have been, but I also know that things were a bit ragged when you went away.
Oh, you suck so much right now. :mad: :mad: 
Welcome back, Sampiro! big tackle of a hug, smooch
Yay! Sampiro’s back!
:: strolls over, gives a reserved Canadian handshake… then, when past the defenses, a bear-hug. 
::
Although, welcome back songs belong in Cafe Society, Mr. Kotter.
Oh y’all go on 'way from here Miz Daisy…
Thanks all, I’ve missed it here.
And I’ll have to tell the TLDR tale of my mother’s funeral. It’s not as morbid or depressing as it sounds and in fact is the first “truly unbelievably weird and random” family occurrence to have actually been caught on DVD. It involves a retarded minister demonstrating how to make a shadow and an aging hippie’s supposedly heartwarming story about a murdered cat that left the people in attendance looking roughly like the audience at the end of Wednesday and Pugsley’s recital.
Or the story of planning the funeral itself, which involved the only official clone of Charles Durning breaking a pencil and refusing to talk to any of “the beloved’s” blood relatives, Miss Jane Pittmann’s last owner farting her way through an ill advised attempt to upsell a coffin and (I swear to Binky they actually call them this) “eternal rest accessories” and how an act of Depression era pessimism came in quite handy. And then there’s the frigging crucified butterfly ordeal, but for that in due time.
Thanks all for the welcome back. I’ll be here all week (or until a certain one month banned Doper who’ll be nameless is, not that I hold grudges or bear will to any fellow Dopers of any kind :p).
And an absolutely overwhelmed and uncharacteristically speechless thank you and ovation to Ginger of the North and all who contributed. I was stunned to learn what had been done (thanks to contributions by her and other Dopers and a matching contribution program more than $700 was raised in my mother’s name for the American Cancer Society- I’m truly overwhelmed. (To put my money where my mouth is I matched it in a donation to the ACS and in a local fund for indigent healthcare and a women’s home [which I also took most of her clothing and personal items to- she had a special sentiment for middle aged women who were really down on their luck as she’d been one].) I honestly have no words but “Thanks… a whole lot”.
And must tell about the firestorm over my attempts to Ikea-nize the house I live in, or as I call it, “The Mamaleum”. Essentially my siblings have fits if I try to change a roll of toilet tissue because “that one was left over from when Mama was there” and God forbid I try to give away or sell any piece of furniture (including my own- my mother was a packrat and I am a packrat and I have moved into my mother’s house; even after putting most of my belongings in a storage house belonging to my brother [ooh, a story there- ties in to the truly weird selection of eulogies perfectly] the house is literally overflowing and needs to be purged, but literally if I move an occasional table I hear “Where’d you put it? Well it needs to go back over there doesn’t it?” when a sibling drops in (usually unannounced). When I got rid of a large computer desk I was informed that “you know that’s still technically an estate item” (a big muthah of a story there but I’ll wait until the jots and tittles on the probate are completed). When I very politely informed them that “That desk was mine, I bought it, I assembled it, it was in my apartments in Georgia and Tuscaloosa, it was never once in the Mamaleum until I moved it there after she died and I want it gone because I need the room” I received an expression that said very clearly and concisely “And your point is…?”
Strangest of all is perhaps my sister’s post orphaning decision that she and I are close, always have been and agree on practically everything. But she did give me this valuable advice: “If you really want to save money, keep about $1500 out of each month’s paycheck, put it in an interest drawing Money Market account until your next CD comes due then put it in, and just forget it’s there, that’s all you need to do.” When I informed her that if I saved about $1,500 out of each month’s check then I’d be left eating ramen noodles and sleeping on a friend’s sofa she explained “Then $1,400, or $1,350 even… it’s not the amount it’s the habit.” She literally has no concept of "to most people $1,350 is an amount they cannot reasonably save each month, yet she also called Mutual of Omaha and chewed them out over …
Okay, I’ll tell that story really quick since it’s a short one and doesn’t build on any others.
My mother had life insurance policies on her credit cards that paid them off in the event of her death. While I kept quiet about it and don’t know that I mentioned it to anyone, my mother died recently, so we had occasion to enact these policies.
Most of them went through just fine, but the exception was Mutual of Omaha policy on an account that she had a relatively small balance on (a few hundred dollars) at the time of her death. They refused to pay off because
MoO clerk: According to the death certificate your mother’s death was caused by lung cancer. Once you reach the age of 66 our policy only covers death by accident.
My sister: So you’re telling me that she was paying about $30 a year for a policy that was absolutely worthless?
MoO clerk: Oh no ma’am, it’s not worthless at all. Had your mom died of an accident the whole thing would have been paid off.
LONG SILENCE
then
My sister: Does the death certificate say lung cancer? It’s a misspelling. It should say she got run over by a Miata. Down here in south Alabama we call a Miata a Lungocancer.
MoO clerk: I… ah… oh… heh heh heh…
My sister: I sound like I’m laughing to you?
MoO: No ma’am…
My sister: Then you think it’s funny my mama died…
The poor woman was hopelessly confused. We checked the policy (which my mother had owned since she was in her early 60s) and it really did say that in print about a tenth the size of this in a section that otherwise dealth with amortization of capitalized interest and secondary causes of the English Civil War. Very frustrating.
Well suh, the next month came around. The card had been paid off but AOL has not cancelled her service even though I’ve called them twice now. There was the $29.95 service fee for AOL and… a $0.17 (literally, seventeen cents) charge for the M.o.O. death benefit policy (it’s based on balance). My sister called their offices again to report that
Sister: “My mama had an accident. Cut a check to this credit card company.”
M.o.O. clerk (the same one, because my sister specifically requested her by name and extension): Uh, madame, I’m looking at the files and it says your mother is dead… of lung can… oh, I remember you…
Sister: Well she had an accident last week inside her grave. Little earthquake happened and banged her up real bad and sure enough she’s dead. I want this credit card paid off.
M.o.O.: Ma’am, no disrespect at all but… if your mother is dead how could she possibly have had an accident?
Sister: How the hell should I know? Who do you think I am, goddamned Quincy MD? If it’s important to you then you pay to have her exhumed, should cost about $1200.
M.o.O (totally unsure of if she’s dealing with a total barking mad nutcase or is on Crank Yankers or what): Ma’am, I’m sorry, but all I can tell you is that when one of our clients is dead there is no further thing that can happen to them as far as we are concerned…
Sister: Really? There’s nothing else that can happen to them once they’re dead? That’s your policy?
M.o.O.: Yes ma’am, that’s our policy…
Sister: You’re saying that once she’s dead then that’s the end as far as you’re concerned, can’t anything else go wrong in any way shape or form…
M.o.O.: Yes ma’am…
Sister: No way you’ll ever be able to reverse anything or make a claim on this worthless damned insurance policy again?
M.o.O. (getting irked): Yes ma’am, that is exactly what I am saying. Once your mother died we cannot assist the family in any way shape or form whatsoever…
LONG SILENCE
Sister: Then would you mind telling me just why the fucking hell you are charging me seventeen cents to try to sell a dead woman accidental death insurance if you don’t believe she can have a fatal accident once she already died of freaking lung cancer?
LONG SILENCE
M.o.O.: Ma’am… I… think… I don’t know. It must have been a mistake.
Sister: Mistake hell. Might be seventeen cents but last I heard Omaha’s in Nebraska. I’m in Alabama. Don’t know where the hell you are. Looks to me like a case of interstate insurance fraud. See you in court.
M.o.O.: Let me get you a manager…
Sister: I’m retired from being self employed I don’t need a manager.
M.o.O.: Ma’am… I… [hangs up]
Sister: Now that was just damned rude of her.
First, welcome back Sampiro! Good to have you and your stories back with us.
Second, yeah, sis is kinda weird with the savings tip advice but damn if she ain’t funny! That MoA story is great.
Priceless! Just. Day-umm. Priceless.
Sampiro! I am so glad you are back! I have missed you terribly. ::runs to get in line for hugs::
Sampiro was gone? Ah, what the hey, welcome back! Oh, yeah, he’s the one with the…never mind, I’d better not say that.
Now THIS is how I wanted to spend my 5000th post! 
Welcome back, my dear! You have been missed!