Oh y’all go on 'way from here Miz Daisy…
Thanks all, I’ve missed it here.
And I’ll have to tell the TLDR tale of my mother’s funeral. It’s not as morbid or depressing as it sounds and in fact is the first “truly unbelievably weird and random” family occurrence to have actually been caught on DVD. It involves a retarded minister demonstrating how to make a shadow and an aging hippie’s supposedly heartwarming story about a murdered cat that left the people in attendance looking roughly like the audience at the end of Wednesday and Pugsley’s recital.
Okay, I’ll tell that story really quick since it’s a short one and doesn’t build on any others.
My mother had life insurance policies on her credit cards that paid them off in the event of her death. While I kept quiet about it and don’t know that I mentioned it to anyone, my mother died recently, so we had occasion to enact these policies.
Most of them went through just fine, but the exception was Mutual of Omaha policy on an account that she had a relatively small balance on (a few hundred dollars) at the time of her death. They refused to pay off because
MoO clerk: According to the death certificate your mother’s death was caused by lung cancer. Once you reach the age of 66 our policy only covers death by accident.
My sister: So you’re telling me that she was paying about $30 a year for a policy that was absolutely worthless?
MoO clerk: Oh no ma’am, it’s not worthless at all. Had your mom died of an accident the whole thing would have been paid off.
LONG SILENCE
then
My sister: Does the death certificate say lung cancer? It’s a misspelling. It should say she got run over by a Miata. Down here in south Alabama we call a Miata a Lungocancer.
MoO clerk: I… ah… oh… heh heh heh…
My sister: I sound like I’m laughing to you?
MoO: No ma’am…
My sister: Then you think it’s funny my mama died…
The poor woman was hopelessly confused. We checked the policy (which my mother had owned since she was in her early 60s) and it really did say that in print about a tenth the size of this in a section that otherwise dealth with amortization of capitalized interest and secondary causes of the English Civil War. Very frustrating.
Well suh, the next month came around. The card had been paid off but AOL has not cancelled her service even though I’ve called them twice now. There was the $29.95 service fee for AOL and… a $0.17 (literally, seventeen cents) charge for the M.o.O. death benefit policy (it’s based on balance). My sister called their offices again to report that
Sister: “My mama had an accident. Cut a check to this credit card company.”
M.o.O. clerk (the same one, because my sister specifically requested her by name and extension): Uh, madame, I’m looking at the files and it says your mother is dead… of lung can… oh, I remember you…
Sister: Well she had an accident last week inside her grave. Little earthquake happened and banged her up real bad and sure enough she’s dead. I want this credit card paid off.
M.o.O.: Ma’am, no disrespect at all but… if your mother is dead how could she possibly have had an accident?
Sister: How the hell should I know? Who do you think I am, goddamned Quincy MD? If it’s important to you then you pay to have her exhumed, should cost about $1200.
M.o.O (totally unsure of if she’s dealing with a total barking mad nutcase or is on Crank Yankers or what): Ma’am, I’m sorry, but all I can tell you is that when one of our clients is dead there is no further thing that can happen to them as far as we are concerned…
Sister: Really? There’s nothing else that can happen to them once they’re dead? That’s your policy?
M.o.O.: Yes ma’am, that’s our policy…
Sister: You’re saying that once she’s dead then that’s the end as far as you’re concerned, can’t anything else go wrong in any way shape or form…
M.o.O.: Yes ma’am…
Sister: No way you’ll ever be able to reverse anything or make a claim on this worthless damned insurance policy again?
M.o.O. (getting irked): Yes ma’am, that is exactly what I am saying. Once your mother died we cannot assist the family in any way shape or form whatsoever…
LONG SILENCE
Sister: Then would you mind telling me just why the fucking hell you are charging me seventeen cents to try to sell a dead woman accidental death insurance if you don’t believe she can have a fatal accident once she already died of freaking lung cancer?
LONG SILENCE
M.o.O.: Ma’am… I… think… I don’t know. It must have been a mistake.
Sister: Mistake hell. Might be seventeen cents but last I heard Omaha’s in Nebraska. I’m in Alabama. Don’t know where the hell you are. Looks to me like a case of interstate insurance fraud. See you in court.
M.o.O.: Let me get you a manager…
Sister: I’m retired from being self employed I don’t need a manager.
M.o.O.: Ma’am… I… [hangs up]
Sister: Now that was just damned rude of her.
