Man suspects that his married one-night-stand had his child. Should he try to find out for sure?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yeah, it’s a hypothetical thread. I was going to apologize for the seven burly orcs who broke into your house and forced you to read it, but then I remembered I am not in fact a super-villain and thus have no orcs to dispatch.

Today’s story is about Chris, a Marine gunnery sergeant, and Elise, his best friend since high school. As close as they once were, Chris has never been entirely forthcoming with Elise about the fact that he’s been in love with her since freshmen year. It’s not that he’s shy with women, for he’s had plenty of girlfriends; it’s that Elise’s leatherneck father died young, leaving her mother to grieve for years and years. Even at fourteen, she was very clear that she never wanted to risk something like that; and even at fourteen, Chris loved her too much to want to ruin their friendship for a transitory tumble.

About a year ago, shortly before he was about to head overseas for his latest tour in Afghanistan, Chris found Elise knocking on his door. She’d been arguing with her husband, Geoff, in recent months, and things had reached a head. Between that upset and her fear for what might happen to Chris overseas she was very emotional. Chris had just ended a relationship himself. Both were emotional, both drank more than they should have, and by the end of the night both were naked.

Chris heard from Elise only a few times while in Afghanistan. There was an apologetic email from her, saying that and her husband were going for counseling, that she should never have allowed things to go that far that night, and asking him not to make things worse for her by telling Geoff what had happened. He replied that he was as fault as well and hoped he had not ruined their friendship.

Y’all know where this is going.

Returning home after his tour was over, Chris discovered three things: that Elise and Geoff had reconciled, that they had a child Geoff loves as his own, and that the child’s probable conception date makes quite possible that it isn’t. This bothers Chris more thana little; he believes that any man who consciously avoids responsibility for a child he has fathered is scum. If Elise’s child is his, then at the very least he thinks he’s ethically obliged to pay child support; morever, the thought of not being involved in his child’s life makes him feel sick to the stomach.

What should Chris do?

2

In an ideal world, he’d join their marriage or become a supportive relative. I don’t think that would happen in contemporary North America though; the dishonesty during the fling might be too great a rock for such a relationship to form. The best he could do would be to send child support to the mother, while the mother agrees not to get the authorities involved.

3

He should make trampy :Dlittle Elise get a DNA test done on the baby. It is his right to know the truth.

4

Oh yes, definitely get the test.

5

Grow up and walk away.

He shoudn’t destroy the family to fulfill his need to feel responsible.

Besides, there’s a better than even chance Geoff is the bio-daddy.

6

So what? There is still a chance Geoff is not the bio baby. He has every right to know if the child is his.

7

To be practical about it, the child will probably fare better financially if her current parents remain married to each other. Revelation of the one night stand is likely to break up that marriage and leave the child worse off. If the child turns out not to be his, then he’ll have ruined a lot of lives in order to soothe his conscience.

8

What about his life? What about his right to know if it’s his child. What about his feelings? I guess they mean nothing?
What if he keeps quiet and then the child finds out that the person he thought was his real Dad wasn’t. What then?

9

What about his life? What about his right to know if it’s his child. What about his feelings? I guess they mean nothing?
What if he keeps quiet and then the child finds out that the person he thought was his real Dad wasn’t. What then?
Man…I don’t know why I’m getting all worked up over this? It’s made up.
:smack: some sense into me.

10

Does he?

Rights and responsibilities go hand in hand and I did not see the sentence ‘.. and the rubber broke ..’ in the hypothetical.

Besides, I seem to remember from another thread that the husband of a woman to whom a child is born is the legal father of that child, even today.

No, he has no right to make this all about him.

11

Yes he does have a right. The child also has a right to know who his real father is.

12

Exactly. Well, ok, I might have used an “l” in shouldn’t, but otherwise spot on.

13

I don’t think that’s true. There are anonymous sperm-banks that are designed so a child can’t know who there father is. There are places set up so woman can anonymously put their children up for adoption. I don’t think such places are inherently wrong. Children have a right to be raised in a secure and healthy environment, but I don’t think they have an inherent right to know who their biological parents are.

14

I do think they have a right to know who their bio parents are. Morally and for other reasons. What about for medical reasons?

15

Its somewhat medically advantageous to know who your biological parents are. But its more medically advantageous not to live in a city with a lot of air pollution, or to not have a parent who smokes or to have a parent that won’t let you drink soda.

Kids have a right to be raised in a decently healthy environment, but that hardly means they have an inherent right to every possible situational factor that might slightly improve their medical outlook. The advantages of knowing your family background are pretty minor.

16

Lets say that jr’s. bio dad is not Geoff and it is the one night stand guy. The baby is all grown up and wants to get married. His wife is a carrier for a rare genetic conditon which is recessive meaning that both of her parents are carriers of the gene. His mom is a carrier for the disease but Geoff isn’t but Geoff is not his real father. One night stand guy is the bio-dad and is also a carrier of the gene.
The grown up baby and his wife decide to have a baby thinking they are not at risk. The baby is born with the rare disease.
This could have been avoided if the child knew who his real father was.

17

Let’s quit with this divisive ‘real father’ phrasing.

If they get the test and Geoff is both the biological father and the relationship father, everything is peachy keen and traditional, and things can roll along as before.

If they get the test and Chrisis the biological father, Geoff is still the relationship father, the one who cared for and taught the child. Both men are fathers of the child. They just provided separately two parts of the child’s fathering. And, like it or not, both men are in relationship with the mother and the child. If Chris wants to pay support for his child, why shouldn’t he? What mother would refuse more support for her child?

I see what j66 says, though. Would revealing the one-night stand and dredging up what were presumably past lies be a danger to Geoff and Elise and their family? Would questions be raised at an extra $500/month (or whatever) entering Geoff and Elise’s household? Would Geoff stop loving the child he cared for because he discovered that someone else’s sperm went into Elise’s egg instead of his? We don’t know. Maybe they’re strong enough to get past it. Maybe not. I think the answer to the hypothetical would depend on the precise nature of the participants.

18

No - what’s the point?

Biology is highly overrated, and the kid is in the best possible place for his happiness. No matter what the answer to the DNA test is, it would turn that kid’s world into an unstable nightmare. For what? To soothe someones “feelings”? Ridiculous.

19

The well being of the child comes before all, and right now he is in a healthy, loving family. It would be incredibly selfish to disrupt that just to make yourself feel better. The difficult emotions you have are just one of the many painful things that parents bear for the sake of their children. In practical terms, the kid was adopted and you have to learn to live with that. It sucks that you had no say in it, but we all accumulate some regrets in our lives.

The woman has surely done the math. You can discretely let her know that if she ever sees it fit, you’d be willing to play a financial or emotional role in the kids life. You can reveal to her any urgent medical info, and she can find a way to disclose that if it comes up.

20

This is basically my opinion. He should sit and and suck it up. Try to be a part of Elise’s life as a friend if he can. IF her marriage breaks up, THEN he can ask her to have a test, but he should not be the agent of destroying a stable family environment for the child if he really cares.

Also… Elise is trampy? How about the father? :stuck_out_tongue: