I found out my husband *almost* cheated, before we were married. Should I say anything?

My husband has a close friend, Chris, that will come over once in a while looking for my husband, and if he’s not here, he’ll usually stay for a couple of hours and we’ll chat. We usually chat about the love of his life (who left him last year and he’s still desperately in love with), his job, or my husband. Chris has a habit of talking a lot and sometimes letting things slip.

So tonight Chris says something about my husband being drunk and trying to sleep with this girl. Chris is laughing and I said something like ‘I hope you guys took him home that night’, thinking this must have happened before we met, and he says ‘Yeah, I think you guys were living here and we brought him home.’ We’ve lived here for four years, and have been married for three of them. Chris went on to say that nothing happened in the end (because my husband was so drunk, apparently), but I have to admit that this did make my heart skip a beat. This would have occurred right around the time that I was having problems with alcohol (I’m an alcoholic) or around when I went in to rehab, so we would have been in a rough patch. As I said, nothing happened in the end, and it was before we were married (not that that’s totally fine, but it does make a difference to me).

I’m struggling with whether I bring this up to him and ask about it or just leave it. I’m not mad, more surprised and maybe a bit hurt. It’s not going to change anything in our relationship, but I’m unsure if I even want to know now. I wish Chris would have kept his damn mouth shut! Urgh.

P.S. I have NO worries about my husband cheating or anything since we got married (and didn’t have any suspicions before, tbh). We’ve had some rough years and this would have happened at that time, and I don’t have a completely clean record either (long before we were married). We have a great marriage and are very open with one and other. This is more of a ‘do I want to know the truth or not’ thing for me.

Say nothing. You weren’t married, nothing happened and he was drunk. One of my best friend’s husband macked on me when he was drunk - it was a farce and the only thing it was indicative of is that he needed to drink less. It sounds like that was the case with your husband and he DOES drink less now - no problem.

What would be gained by bringing it up?

I wouldn’t say anything to your husband about it. Nothing to be gained there. I would wonder why Chris even told you. Shit-stirrers usually have a motive… why does he want to cause trouble between you two?

Good question. I think I’m hurt and upset, but not sure why considering the circumstances. I don’t think it’ll cause a fight if I bring it up, but it might make him feel like I don’t trust him or am insecure right now (when I’m not).

I have a feeling that after I sleep on it I’ll feel better about it and decide it’s better if I keep my mouth shut.

Haha, yes, Chris is a classic trouble maker. I don’t know if he actually realizes it though. Chris would never think that this would be an issue - he’s very…uh…liberal, when it comes to what guys can do with other women when they’re in relationships, so I’m guessing he doesn’t see this as anything more then a funny story.

I’m also voting let it go. Don’t ask and never look back.

As for the “trouble maker”. Yeah, many of them are just clueless people that never know when to keep their mouths shut. But on the other hand some are masters that know EXACTLY what they are doing, enjoy doing it and watching/joining in the drama and are quite good at making themselves look like the totally innocent bystander.

So, if anything, I’d start to giving this trouble maker a slightly wider berth.

Remember, too, that what he thinks happened may have been very different from your husband’s perspective. Guys do this really weird vicarious thing with each others drunken exploits, rewriting the story into what they wish it had been.

Another vote for recognizing that the people we love all have secrets, and now so do you, since you know one of his and he doesn’t know that. :wink: The Chris guy might be a shit-stirrer, but he might also honestly believe there was nothing to worry about, so there was no harm in mentioning it NOW, ya know?

Bringing it up will cause nothing but discord. You can rationalize all day long about why this needs to be aired out, discussed, analyzed, and your feelings regarding it validated, but in the end it’s just a non-completed drunken fumble when you two were on the outs. That’s the long and short of it.

Having said this, and even understanding it’s pure relationship poison, many (not all) people would stew on this incident incessantly until some moment when they feel they just HAVE to bring it up and flog it publicly. Be better and smarter than that.

Thanks guys. I know you’re right, and I knew this before I even posted, I think I just needed affirmation or something.

As for Chris…he’s a story in himself. He actually tried his hardest to split us up for the first couple of years we were together. We grew closer during a summer where we ended up living together and I do accept him as my husband’s best friend. In fact, Chris and I have hung out on our own and have had some good times together. But he’s very selfish and pretty clueless. I don’t think he’s being malicious, he is just really an idiot about this kind of stuff.

Yes, and I know I will have to talk about this in real life to someone to work it out. Which is why I’m very thankful for my therapist (who is also our couple’s therapist). Good subject for our next appointment. I can work it out through her instead of causing issues with my husband.

Not a thing. Em, he won’t say some magic thing that will make you feel better. Plus it’s a judgement call on your friends part of whether it almost happened or not.

He didn’t do it, you trust him now, I say forget about it.

You guys made me feel much better about this, thanks!

I love the Dope!

Besides, it’s an “almost”. Your husband didn’t do it, and he apparently decided the next morning (and every morning after that) that even though you were going through trouble with alcohol and times were tough, you were worth sticking with. And apparently he also decided that alcohol wasn’t a solution to his problems, either.

I’m glad you’re feeling better.

I have to say, I don’t quite understand why you put up with this guy. He may be fun sometimes, but he sounds rather poisonous. What does your husband get out of being friends with someone like that?

Yeah. I think you’re giving Chris too much credit. He may be a fun guy sometimes but it doesn’t sound like he has your (or his so-called best friend’s) interests in mind. It sounds like he’s an asshole who wants you out of the picture so he can have your hubby all to himself.

Honestly? Knowing that he’s been trying to split you up before, I suspect his little story is a wild exaggeration.

Unless he’s a real conniving POS I don’t see him chatting with you for hours (especially about his unsuccessful love life) if he wanted to split you up. I’d only chat that much with girlfriends/boyfriends of friends if I liked them and thought they were good for my friend.

Apart from anything else, you’re only getting Chris’s version. Presumably he wasn’t totally sober himself; it was long enough ago that he doesn’t remember where you were living; and it sounds like he’s telling you this just for the fun of telling you, which means he’s very possibly exaggerating. So I’d be taking this story with a big handful of salt. ‘He was totally trying to sleep with this girl’ could actually have been ‘He said in passing that she was a babe’ or ‘He was flirting till he suddenly realised this was a bad idea and headed for home’ or ‘We dared him into buying her a drink’ or any number of other things.

Yes he sounds like a friend of mine whose stories about me never seem to be how I remember them.