I have three friends, who we’ll call Husband, Wife, and Single Woman. At a recent party Single Woman got very drunk and started getting touchy-feely with Husband - hands on his face, his knee, things like that. Wife saw this from across the room but didn’t say anything and Husband ended their conversation pretty shortly thereafter.
On the way home Wife asked Husband what it was all about, and he said that Single Woman had started to come on to him but that he’d turned her down. (He later told me that she’d come on to him even stronger than he admitted to Wife.) Wife was furious and the two of them got into a big fight, though Husband reiterated that he’d told Single Woman he was married and had ended their conversation.
I know all of this because I was talking with Wife at the party when it happened, and then had to carpool home with the two of them afterwards while they were fighting over it.
Well today I was talking to Single Woman, who’s a coworker, and discovered that she doesn’t remember anything from the end of the party. I don’t think she has any clue that she was flirting with Husband.
Should I tell her? On the one hand it’s none of my business and there’s a strong case to be made that I should not involve myself. On the other hand, Husband and Wife don’t know that Single Woman doesn’t remember and they may interpret and future, completely innocent friendliness from her as another come-on. What’s more, Single Woman might be confused or hurt if Wife acts angry at her or if Husband is stand-offish. We’re in a small community, and the three of them are definitely going to cross paths again.
I would tell Single Woman. I also agree she may have a drinking problem and may be mortified to learn she did this. But she needs to know and own her behaviour.
I also don’t see a downside in letting Husband and Wife know that SW might have acted like an ass, but doesn’t remember it.
Doesn’t affect me, it affects them. The point is that we’re not in a big city where the odds are that the three of them will never run into one another again.
The most disturbing part of the story to me is that Wife and Husband got into a fight over it on the way home. This says to me that there might be trust/infidelity issues already simmering on the stove. If this had happened to me and my ex-wife or current girlfriend, we would have talked about it on the way home and probably had a laugh.
“She must have been totally blasted to be coming on to you.”
“Yeah, that’s way beyond beer goggles – that’s straight up alcohol blindness.”
That’s the same part that bothered me. Why is the wife giving hubby a hard time, he’s hardly responsible for someone else’s behavior. Or am I misreading?
I would tell Single Woman that she was flirting with Husband (and did she know he was married?). I would also let her know that Wife was irrationally angry about it and that she should be careful around them in the future.
And why did she feel free to berate him when they had somebody else riding in the car? Sounds like Single Woman was not the only one in her cups…
Really, OP needs to tell SW what happened; I doubt she was truly out of line, but it sounds like a touchy situation. And suggest she limit her drinking a bit.
Well, it seemed like she was mad at Single Woman and that put her in a bad mood which made her snap at Husband, and it just kind of devolved from there. I have no idea if they have trust issues in their own relationship and don’t want to speculate on it.
I’m personally close to all three of them, and they were all already friends with each other, though I think not as closely as I am with all of them.
Minding your own business means that you don’t tell Wife what Single Friend did to Husband, as that is between W H and SF. It doesn’t apply to telling Single Friend what you observed SF doing while she was drunk.
I chose no in the poll options, but thinking it over I’ll revise it to yes - but try to stay out of the drama as much as is humanly possible. Just tell it to Single Woman in as matter-of-fact a way as you can and leave it at that. My original idea was to only tell Husband/Wife that SW didn’t remember any of it, but that would be keeping SW in the dark - and if you tell SW, you don’t have to talk about it to H or W ever again (which would be a good idea, as they sound a bit weird about the whole thing).
Yes to the poll question. Just in case the wife later acts in a hostile manner towards SW (which hardly sounds out of the question), SW needs to know the back story.
If someone’s blitzed enough that they don’t remember what they did at the party, either this is a one-off event, or they’ve got a drinking problem. With the odds favoring door #2.
IMHO, the appropriate level of anger on the wife’s part would depend on the extent and duration of the touchy-feeliness from SW before hubby put a stop to it. But that’s their issue and theirs alone; even if I’m their best friend in the world, I’m keeping my opinions to myself.
No, you don’t tell either member of the couple that SW was so blitzed that she doesn’t remember any of the fun stuff. If SW wants to tell them herself as part of apologizing (which is an iffy idea unless they bring it up with her), that’s her call.
I think it should occur to you that you have an asset here - a single woman who likes to drink and doesn’t remember anything the next day.
Unless you have a conscience. Maybe tell her she came on to a married man next time she’s really drunk, so your burden is lifted, and she won’t remember it, so she won’t be embarrassed.
