As a loyal American, I am profoundly disgusted at those so-called American statesmen who call themselves “liberal” or “conservative” after foreign political parties! “Conservative” is of course the name of a British political party, and “Liberal” the name of an Australian one. What kind of monster raving loony do you have to be to think that’s an OK label for an American politician?
I flatly refuse to take anything foreign into my politics. I am a true blue American. And that’s why I had to coin a word–a good American word–for my political stance. Not “Liberal,” “Green,” “Conservative,” nor “Communist,” but a name that indicates Democracy and Liberty, because Democracy is Liberty. I was trying to explain this to my now-ex-girlfriend, and she suggested I’d been drinking too many margaritas, and I said that the margarita is America, and you shouldn’t dis the margarita, and she dumped me. That’s when I realized that what this country needs are not liberal politicians, nor conservative politicians, but margarita politicians.
I’m a margarita politician. And that ain’t foreign even a little bit.
On the major issues of our day:
Death panels: I’m in favor of them. What makes people think they can die without permission?
Texas: Texas should be raised to the level necessary to cover obligations. If we have to spend the money, don’t borrow it and then have to pay interest, just raise texas.
Gay marriage: should be mandatory. In the next authorization of the USAPATRIOTACT, I want to put surveillance devices in every home to make sure that everyone is in a loving same-sex civil union. Single people and those in uncivil unions will be assigned new same-sex spouses or deported to the foreign country of their choice; I hear Colorado and Alabama (those are in South America, right?) need guest workers. And I will raise the texas to pay for it, unlike some people.
Moon colonization: No. No man can stay sane on a diet of green cheese and absinthe, which I am told are the major solid and liquid components of the moon. It would be inhumane.
Pit bulls: The bull is a proud creature. No longer should bulls be forced to live in pits. Let bullfighters practice their deadly art on hillocks, where the great ox can get a running start.
Taxes: Taxes should be permitted to secede from the union, but only if everything south and west of San Antonio is allowed to secede from Taxes. It’s only fair.
Socialized medicine: Why the hell not? It’s not like we aren’t already paying for your damn boner pills anyway, Clem.
Public nudity: only for ugly people, because we need our kids to stay inside and get fatter.
Public drunkenness: see public nudity.
Vampires: will be abolished through the judicious application of ORBITAL SPACE MIRRORS.
Intellectual Propriety, La!: Intellectuals should be very wary of impropriety, or people will think you’re drunk when really you’re tired: Not only physically tired, but tired of the ridiculousness that passes for political discourse in this country. Tired enough to be really really sarcastic. And that could get people hurt.
Feel free to ask me about any other issues of the day.
