Get the divorce now while everyone is still friendly and things are calm and well between you. You may not see it, but any number of things like one of you dating an undesirable, or making an unimaginable financial decision, can change that calm overnight into a nightmare divorce. Nothing you’ve both ‘just agreed to between ourselves’, is actually enforceable should things sour suddenly. Dot the i’s and cross the t’s while you’re both in a good place, and avoid a totally foreseeable trap!
Do it now, get the paper work signed. If your living arrangement still suits you both nothing is stopping you from keeping it unchanged, until such time as one or the other needs it to change. If that need for change is brought about by something upsetting, to one party or the other, (and it quite likely could be), they then can’t take it out on the other in divorce court.
Everyone else is doing a great job speaking to the liabilities and the exceptionally high risks of doing nothing - but on a broader scale, step back to the 20,000 foot view:
The only way for you to reach a life where you are able to have a good sex life and be happy, find your own path, and possibly even find passion and love with somebody who is a better match, is to undertake some temporary difficulty and upset to your life now.
So not only is the liabilities and risk high, the ONLY road to a better and happier life for you is to bite the bullet and do the difficult and unpleasant thing. Which if undertaken now, also has the added benefit of minimizing said risk and liability, due to everyone being amicable currently.
So the real question is, how soon do you want to get on the road to a better and more fulfilled life, and how much time do you have to waste in a holding pattern until you start that?
So it’s not just the liability and risk arguing for divorcing sooner, it’s our own finite spans and the fact that the sooner you do the hard thing, the sooner you can get on the road to more fulfillment and happiness.
Yep. And you could divorce and cohabit, or you could delay the divorce and cohabit.
You aren’t likely to get a lot of interest on the dating scene if you life with your ex-wife or your wife…but its three years and people in open marriages do find alternate partners, so ‘not a lot’ doesn’t not necessarily mean 'none at all.
I’d stick it out for three years just because minor child will increase the cost and complexity of a divorce - and be difficult for the teen. But I would be upfront about expectations with the kids, and counseling is a good suggestion for them.
I’ve known people to have “business arrangement” marriages that last for decades with no problem. And some that blew up in spectacular manner. Lots that endured until the kids were out of the house, then the pair divorced (and the kids were aware there were problems years before that point). I’ve seen amicable divorces where all parties behaved as adults, and others that were a total mess.
It really does depend on the people involved. And since we’re getting all this second hand, well, we can’t say for sure. The OP will have to make the decision. Good luck to all involved.
It’s really sad that so many people are advocating for a roommate marriage.
Anyway, something to consider. Your wife says you can see other people, but you don’t know how she’ll react when you actually do. She may feel threatened and flip out. That idyllic whatever you have going on will be gone and hello nightmare divorce.
Also, if you find a wonderful woman but are still married, be sure to tell her your situation BEFORE you sleep with her.
The drawback to pushing for divorce now is a couple of things. First, and the vast majority, is the shakeup to the kids’ lives. I just don’t want to do that to them right now. While it could get ugly later, knowing my wife the way I do I think it is a good risk that she won’t get vindictive make things ugly down the road. All she really wants at this point is just for me to stop asking her to try to talk things out. When I’m not trying to ask her how we can work through things, she is friendly, open, cheerful. If I ask about our relationship and how to make things better, she gets defensive and closed.
I’m pretty sure that if I pressed for a divorced at this point she’d want to move out. I can’t blame her. But as it stands, I’m better of with the status quo and in many respects so is she. I think she realizes that. But yes, eventually we do need to move on and completely separate our lives. Not sure this is the best time for that, which is why I was seeking input.
It would seem there are risks either way, but the impression I get from the responses is that it isn’t an outright horrible idea to say married at this point.
Some people see the lack of sex as an endpoint, a last stage in a relationship that has deteriorated. Others see sex as the relationship itself, so its absence is the first sign of real trouble.
Ask one of these people about their relationship and you’ll hear how sex is nonexistent. Ask the other, and you will here something like: Over the last four years (and longer… but most noticeable in that time) we just started going our own ways. We never did anything together anymore. Eventually we thought it best to split our finances since neither like how the other was spending money, so we did, etc., except with emotional content and not a practical and painless summary. The end result is a lot of distance from the spouse, and the lack of intimacy is a foregone conclusion.
Seems like it is mostly tolerable for both of you, at best, and will continue to be in the future.
The kids will only be home a few more years. Since you and your wife like each other and get along, I don’t see any pressing need to divorce now.
Since she says she’s okay with you discreetly getting your physical needs met elsewhere, then consider finding a fwb. You know your wife better than people here do. As long as you’re discreet, your wife might be relieved and glad the problem is solved. She wouldn’t be the first aging person to feel done with that aspect of life. In a few years, you might want to divorce so you can get serious with someone else. Or you might find you want to continue with your wife. Have a talk and agree to revisit the subject once the youngest is grown.
You’re invested in your household and your kids together. It’s not a lie or setting a negative example to see that commitment through a few more years.
On a practical level, it’s expensive to maintain two households, and you’ve got kids to put through college. If you all get along well enough to have meals and play games together, why split up the household this late in the game? The kids don’t care about your sex life. They just want stability and peace at this point, and to feel that you and your wife are okay with whatever arrangement you have.
I would talk to an attorney, regardless of of what your intentions are. Find out how to protect yourself either now or down the road if you decide on a divorce.
For example, the advice to get a FWB; how would that play out if you do but then your wife gets an aggressive attorney who wants to use that against you?
In some jurisdictions, it may not matter. In others, it may. If it does matter, then it seems to be something to be very cautious about. Telling the judge that “we’ll, she seemed to be ok with the idea” may not fly if she is denying that it was ever ok with her.
I was exactly you, and I made the choice to divorce. All of your thoughts went through my mind, and I agonized because there was no clear answer.
Until, I ran across one, clear, unselfish idea - what I modeled for my kids was what they would see as the norm. If I stayed, I would be teaching my daughter (18 at the time) and my son (12) that a passionless marriage is okay and something to settle for. I wanted my daughter to know that she deserves someone who will cuddle and make a fuss over her, and my son to know that men can be open and loving and affectionate.
Once I realized that, I was out the door. Remember that your lessons to your children don’t end when they’re 18, and that the lessons that make the most impact are the ones we see the least.
Go now while there’s still time to teach your children well. And good luck - it’s fabulous to have someone to truly cherish and love you.
Depending on your financial situation, there is a good reason for acting quickly. It turns out that the new tax law removed the tax deduction for alimony. If that is a possibility for your situation, you have until the end of 2018 to finalize a divorce and still have the tax deduction apply.
I am not a tax lawyer (or any kind of lawyer) but according to the NYTimes article, if the person paying the alimony is in a high tax bracket and the person receiving the payment is in a lower bracket, there is considerable money to be saved. Check with a knowledgable tax advisor if you think this might apply to you.
My wife has said she won’t be asking for alimony, but clearly that can change depending on if she gets a lawyer and what her lawyer talks her into. I make more, but not 2x more. I figure if we wait until the last kiddo is 18, that would reduce child support money which might offset any savings from alimony deductions. On the other hand… not sure how much child support she’d get if we were still in the same house.
We talked this weekend. She isn’t in a rush to get divorced and neither am I. She said I’m free to date, but as I said I have no idea how she’d respond if I really did start doing that. Maybe next year.