Married Bait and Switch

A big complaint of many married men I know is that after they got married their wives let their looks go, gained alot of weight, and began withholding sex.

Also a common complaint of many married women I know is before they were married their husband hid some bad behaviors like drinking, smoking, bad hygiene, or not being able to be faithful.

Have you all seen this?

I know of two very egregious cases of couples who had tons of sex before marriage…and then, once married, the wife decided it wasn’t what she wanted any more. One converted to a strange religion; the other just lost interest. Both marriages ended in divorce.

It’s sad, but it happens.

ETA: I don’t think either of the cases I know of were “bait and switch.” It wasn’t an intentional deception. Just…people change.

There’s a sad joke: “Men marry women, hoping they will not change. They always do. Women marry men, hoping they will change. They never do.”

I dunno if it qualifies as bait and switch, as my wife certainly never held herself out as some strict materialist/rationalist but I’m surprised at the superstitious stuff that only started coming out years into our marriage.

She bought a bracelet for our then newborn son of black beads? Meh thought it was cute, only later did I learn it was some kind of talisman of protection against maljoe.

Using a blue colored bar of soap, I don’t know why it didn’t register but apparently this is once again a supernatural talisman. It washes off “eye”.

I made an aquarium for tadpoles, she told me with a gasp that I had brought a blight on the house. OK.

:DNo where near divorce worthy, but surprising from a computer programmer/graphic artist nonetheless.

I’ve generally operated under the assumption that once people are married a lot of them consciously or unconsciously think “Whew, I’ve got someone, now I don’t have to put out the same effort to be appealing.” More often unconsciously than not would be my guess; if someone consciously thinks it through then the likely bad results of that behavior are pretty obvious.

You really want to get to know your fiancé’s parents. Your wedding cake is one thing, but that’s the mold your marriage cake is coming from.

My experience observing my married friends is the other way around–the guys let themselves go and turned into archetypal couch potatii. If the women let things slide during pregnancy, they usually made the effort to get back to the way they had been beforehand, while the guys… not so much.

That sounds bad, but I have to wonder if there’s more going on in the background here. Did these couples have children? Did the guys maintain their looks? Just wondering here. It stinks if your partner loses interest in you and stops taking care of him or herself, but there could be other factors involved.

Before I married my first husband, we had a conversation in which I said, “I hate sports. You don’t want to watch football all the time, do you?” and he said, “Oh, no no no. Certainly not.” Or something like that.

It makes me laugh to remember that, because what he actually meant to say was, “The only thing I plan to do for the rest of my life is watch football, baseball, basketball, soccer, golf, hockey, bowling, tennis, boxing, and car racing, and when I’m not watching it I will be talking about it.”

A few odd thoughts:

  1. Most romantic/sexual relationships start off with a lot of passionate sex, and the quantity and intensity both diminish over time. There are exceptions to this, certainly, but this is what happens with most relationships.

  2. A fair number of women lose a nontrivial quantity of weight in order to look their best on their wedding day. Most of the time, when people lose a lot of weight in a fairly short time, it all comes back before too long. If a woman loses 50 pounds to fit into that perfect wedding dress, bets are that most of those pounds will be back by the first anniversary, for that reason alone.

  3. On a longer timescale, most of us put on pounds and lose libido as we age.

The first question to ask is, is the drop-off in sex and addition of pounds too abrupt to be explained by these factors? If the answer is No, then nothing remarkable is going on here.

I haven’t seen any generally applicable patterns, but I’ve seen a number of guys I know put on a bunch of weight after getting married. Maybe they’re filling up on down-home cooking, or maybe they’re getting less exercise outside the bedroom (and sex really doesn’t burn off many calories, no matter how sweaty you get). But it certainly happens.

I have a female acquaintance who has been married and divorced 3 times. After each divorce she goes on a diet to lose about 30 lbs and grows her hair out. Once married, she gains back the weight and cuts her hair shorter. Of course she is a statistical sample of one.

My wife is about the same weight as when I married her 37 years ago. On the other hand, I’m about 50 lbs heavier, but I was really skinny when we first got married. I’m about 20 lbs over ideal.

Oh it’s true, it’s true. My wife doesn’t look anything like she did 35 years ago when I married her. She sure took me in.

Now that you mention it, after 45 years of marriage I’m starting to see the signs. I’ll wait another 15 years or so to make sure though.

You know why the bride smiles? Because she knows she’s given her last blowjob.

You know why the groom smiles? Because he knows he’s watched his last chick flick.

I am trying to think of a tactful way I could have asked my future father-in-law if he still got blowjobs.


Hard to believe this is even a serious question.

Do people try as hard to impress after they’re hired as they do on their job interview?

If there wouldn’t be a lot of truth to the phenomenon it would be completely against human nature.

Yes. Humans are usually incredibly deceitful with each other when beginning a romantic relationship.

I have been actively misled by nearly every woman that I have dated.

Also, there is some weird thing where at the beginning, they actually are hornier and like you a lot more.

After a few months, they figure out you are a normal human, and the endorphins wear off then they’ll be back to their normal state. This is the point where many relationships end.

People are going to change as they age anyway, then marriage, especially when children enter the picture, is going to change people too. It doesn’t have to be an official marriage, but the point of marriage is that people’s lives intertwine in a way they haven’t before. Change shouldn’t be a surprise. Now I’m sure there are people who are not simply on their best behavior during the mating dance, they’re outright frauds. It’s going to happen, but most changes are a far cry from a Bait and Switch*. And many brides, are going to starve themselves before a wedding to look good in that dress they’ll only wear once, so it’s no surprise that they’ll gain some weight afterwards. Probably to the same weight they were when you first met them. And I’m sure the men engage in analagous behavior as well.

*This isn’t really a Bait and Switch, it’s a Gilded Lily. A Bait and Switch would have your fiance trying to get you to marry their less desirable brother or sister.

If you have to ask, you have your answer :slight_smile:

My ex stopped wanting to have sex literally on the day we got married. Other when she wanted to get pregnant, sex dive went to zero. Oh, she apparently remained willing to have sex with other men. But that’s a different story.

My current wife has remained perfect after the wedding (as I have too)