I’m usually Ms. Maenad Myname. My mom asked me when we got married if she could call me Mrs. Maenad Myname, and I didn’t really care. I like Ms. as a title in general because I can keep it my whole life, and Miss sound ridiculous over 30 anyway.
Some of my in-laws still address cards and such to me as Ms/Mrs Maenad Hisname (we’ve been married well over a decade). Honestly, I think it’s because we don’t see them often, and they’re embarrassed because they never learned my last name and don’t know how to ask now.
We didn’t have any problem cashing wedding checks. I think when we came in with a huge stack the bank understood what was going on. Many members of my family are mystified by the whole deal, but I never heard a good reason to change my name. “Tradition” didn’t justify the extra work.
I kept my last name legally and professionally when I got married to Mr. o. skeptic, but introduce myself as Mrs. raspberry skeptic in social situations. I don’t really care too much about being feminist about it except to the extent that I don’t see why I have to go to the trouble of legally changing my name, or why the papers I wrote under my maiden name should be harder to find just because I got married. The only issue I’ve had is that people (my in-laws, most particularly) still will write checks to raspberry skeptic even after I’ve told them multiple times not to, but since we have joint bank accounts the bank is pretty forgiving of it.
I’ve been trying to ask people to address mail to us as “o. and raspberry hunter skeptic,” so as to retain both names, but it hasn’t really caught on except with a couple of close friends. Too bad, as I think this is a perfect solution (at least for us).
Oh, don’t bother - it’s usual stick that the traditionalists use to beat the uppity woman up. “You’re disturbed”, “You need professional help”. Usually comes right after “What’s the matter, his name isn’t good enough for you?”
He just doesn’t get it. I expect he never will. Clearly, maintaining the staus quo - or rather, yesterday’s status quo - is more important that the effects the outdated tradition has on people today and going forward. Our preferences and feelings don’t matter, what’s important is that women be stripped of her identity and be a compliant little wife, just like in the golden age that never happened.
Frankly I fully support the right of ANY person to use whatever name they want, provided no fraud is involved. So, if some other woman wants to be known as Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName I support her right to do this - what I object to is saying I have to follow this form when I find it objectionable.
The traditional usage is that if Mary Jones marries John Smith, then she’s either “Mrs. John Smith”, or “Mary Smith” with no title. John is and remains “Mr. John Smith” regardless of whether or to whom he’s married.
But while I’m fond of tradition in general, in this particular case, I think the tradition is silly, outdated, and misogynistic, so there’s no reason to follow it. And the old traditions certainly didn’t take into account the possibility of homosexual marriage! So I’d say, use Mrs. or Ms. as you prefer, and with whichever name or set of names you prefer, and hang the tradition. Personally, I’d recommend that if Mary wants to introduce herself as John’s wife, she just say “I’m Mary Smith, John’s wife” or “I’m Mary Jones, John Smith’s wife”, or whatever.
What I wonder about, since it’s a situation I might plausibly find myself in[sup]*[/sup], is what’s the masculine equivalent to “maiden name”, for a man who changes his name on marrying? I’ve more-or-less decided on “squire name”, but I don’t know if there’s a standard term.
*I haven’t married yet, but many of the women I associate with are of the sort who would prefer to keep their own name on marrying. I, on the other hand, don’t see any particular need in keeping my own name, but do feel strongly that a married couple should share the same name (whichever name that might be). So the obvious resolution, should I marry such a woman, would be that I would take her name.
It would just be your birth name. You can also indicate a name change by writing your full married name followed by “né” (note the lack of a 2nd e) and your birth name. A man either combinging his surname with his wife’s (or even simply adopting hers) wasn’t totally unheard of in the British aristocracy or Continental noblity.
LOL!!! I get it. People can be called whatever they want.
What is funny is your outrage when someone dare mistakenly address you as Mrs. Husband’s last name. It’s not like they are trying to make you conform. My wife didn’t change her name for the first 3 years of our marriage, and when attending events where she was the primary point of contact, I was mistakenly referred to as Mr. Wife’s last name. No big deal. These are acquaintances. No reason to threaten to cut off contact with the people. :rolleyes:
Point is, it’s not mistaken. They know she kept her name, they just choose to use one they prefer, which is rude.
I kept my name when I married 4 years ago, and for the first three years of my marriage, my inlaws kept calling me Mrs HisName, even though I told them multiple times I hadn’t changed it. I just don’t think they believed me. Or something :rolleyes:
It finally got through about a year ago, and I got a couple of cards addressed to Ms MyName. Now, though, they seem to be wavering. Today I got a birthday card addressed to Mrs MyName / HisName. I guess they were hedging their bets. It’s as if they just can’t believe I didn’t take his name and they just keep having to try it.
Maybe the difference is that now we have a son that has my husband’s last name, and they think we should all have it. I daren’t tell them that we seriously debated changing everyone’s name to MyLastname. Their heads would have spun around.
So to sum up, in case this hasn’t got through yet. Most people who don’t change their name don’t mind if people get it wrong and assume you have your husband’s name (or vice versa - my husband is often called Mr MyName. Doesn’t bother him). It’s when they (usually close family) are told on multiple occasions and yet still insist on using the wrong name.
Hm. Well, by the late 19th century “Mister” was used for gentlemen and “Master” was used for boys (under 13 or still in school, I think). Huh, a quick Wiki check says that in the UK passport applications still have the choice of “Mstr” (Master) along with Mr, Mrs, Miss, and Ms.
So anyway, maybe your “squire” name is your “master” name?
No, that wouldn’t be right, because you’re a mister once you grow up.
But only vaguely connected to the OP. I recently ordered checks from the bank. There must have been a key-in error when I ordered them over the phone, because they arrived with my name typed out “Miss Swallowed My Cellphone”. :eek:
They sent me new ones for free, but they said I can still used the Miss ones.
No, what you don’t get is that IT’S NOT BY MISTAKE. These are people I have already told my correct, legal, and preferred name and they continue to address me by a name not my own.
First time I don’t get angry - I just correct them. Second time - yes, I get pissed off. It’s rude to deliberately address someone by an incorrect name.
When they have been corrected as to my proper name and CONTINUE to address me by a name not my own yes, in fact, they ARE trying to force me to conform to something I find distasteful.
Actually, most of the people I am referring to are relatives who have known me for over 40 years. They are NOT acquaintances, not by any stretch of the imagination. Continuing to address me by a name not my own, after the 5th or 6th time I have corrected them, can only be construed as a hurtful attempt to make me conform to something I find repugnant, and/or a deliberate attempt to cause me mental/emotional distress. Therefore, I no longer associate with such people, because I don’t need that.
I’ve always understood that ‘Mrs’ means ‘the wife of’. So if Jane Smith marries Joe Brown, her main choices are a) Ms Jane Smith, b) Mrs Joe Brown, or c) Ms Jane Smith-Brown (or Brown-Smith).
The only way you can use ‘Mrs Jane Smith’ is if you are, in fact, the wife of Jane Smith. Which could get fun: Jane Smith marries Mary Brown, Jane wants to keep her original name but Mary doesn’t, so they’re now Ms Jane Smith and Mrs Jane Smith…
I’ve also always understood that it may be poor etiquette to use ‘Mrs Jane Smith’, but it’s much, much, much worse to call her ‘Mrs Joe Brown’ when she’s made it clear that her preference is for ‘Mrs Jane Smith’. Respect for her preferences trumps pickiness about the subtext of titles.
I’m Ms Eclectic Wench, but if someone calls me Mrs Wonder Man, it doesn’t bother me. I kind of like it. It feels like I’m playing dress-up or something.
I think that, when you get married, you should change your name to “Princess Consuela Bananahammock.”
But if you don’t want to do that, just tell people to call you “Eats.” Who needs a tile anyway?
My wife kept her own last name, and whenever possible she simply goes by “Firstname Lastname.” (If forced to enter something in a online form, I guess Ms. is the default, though.)
People who don’t know us often call her “Mrs. Myname,” and sometimes call me “Mr. Hername.” It doesn’t bother us; it’s just not important enough to us to get bothered. We know who we are.
I kept my own name, but I don’t balk if anyone calls me Mrs. HisName. In fact, I pretty much introduce myself as Cranky HisName when I’m among the nice old people at his parents’ church, because it’s just easier.
I am not particularly invested in how casual strangers (or even good friends) parse out my name, and I am not going to hold it against them if they guess my preference wrong, or forget. I just cannot fucking imagine giving some feminist lecture on the Oppression of the Misogynistic Phallacracy of Naming Conventions to the lovely old Lutheran ladies who gave me such nice tea towels at my bridal shower. I absolutely do not see the point.
What I get more offended by is when people are in a setting where professional titles are being used, and they get dropped for the women but not the men. That happens too often, and I think it’s a much bigger issue (and states more about the position of women) then whether someone calls me Mrs. Husbandsname in a social setting or during a sales call. But I digress.
I think there’s some confusion here - it’s not Mrs. Broomstick HisName I get pissed about, it’s Mrs. **HISNAME **HisName, where I am expected to answer to a man’s name rather than my own. It’s not until the firstname gets obliterated that I get angry.
Oh, he doesn’t need help–he knows exactly what he’s doing. You’ll note he completely and utterly ignores the multiple less emotionally charged explanations of why the behavior is offensive, and indeed Broomstick’s explanations that it’s one specific form of address done repeatedly by people who bloody well know it bothers her. Instead, he focuses solely on the one post that her sound like she’s completely overreacting and being stupid and self-important. Which is precisely what the kind of jerkwads who repeatedly and deliberately call you by the wrong name do. And all you can do about people like that is not interact with them, because they will never, ever change. Broomie ain’t the only one who’s cut someone out of her life over this kind of shit. One of my cousins swears I cut her out over her mis-addressing a Christmas card, and I kind of did. Sounds like I’m stupid, hysterical, bitchy, petty, self-important, and all-around fucked up, doesn’t it? But the dust-up in question wasn’t really about the card, the card was just a symptom of some deep and fundamental problems in the relationship. Problems like her not respecting my feelings and choices in life when they differ from hers. Even at that, I would have been happy to clarify boundaries and move on. But that…didn’t go well, which was yet another big problem in the relationship. Those problems are why I cut her out of my life, not the friggin’ card. But it supports her point that not taking or using your husband’s name is a stupid, bad thing done only by self-important dicks to tell it her way.
I should note that said cousin knew full well I didn’t change my name and that it was an issue for me when people who knew better called me by his name. We’d had many discussions on the subject in the previous year or so, including one where she said “I know you don’t use that name, but I’m a traditionalist.” She also knew full well that nothing makes me froth at the mouth angry like someone deliberately doing something they know bothers me.
Such defensiveness!!! :dubious: