Married Gay/Lesbian Doppers

A few quick questions:

1.How did you handle the “last name” issue?
2.Which traditions did you keep/change/ignore?

I ask because the lead characters in my “Just OK American Novel”, are a gay male couple and a lesbian couple.

How I did it:
1.The “femme” took the “butch’s” last name, and the (physically) meeker one took the “Hard Gay’s” last name

2.Opposite sex parents “gave them away”, and the person whose name changed got carried over the threshold.

I’m not married but I find that mildly offensive. Every same sex couple I know who are married kept their own names. I think taking someone’s last name no matter their gender is archaic, especially when you are equating it with ‘dominance’ and equating dominance with ‘masculinity’.

I can’t find any humor in this, but I can’t believe someone would post this seriously, so I have to ask, is this a joke?

On the off chance you’re serious, and not completely impervious to correction, I’m going to advise you that most gay people do not enter into relationships with the desire to replicate straight people’s relationships, and so they don’t ordinarily make rules based on who is playing the man and who is playing the woman.

I’m straight, but I find your notion that every couple must have one “male” and one “female” quite offensive. You’re reproducing on gay couples the kind of setup that most of my heterosexual married or as-if friends have rejected - seriously?

Oh, and the threshold thing is SO offensive to me I don’t even have words. The one time a guy did that to me, I had to leave the house to avoid smashing his face into the wall. I was so furious I couldn’t even speak, not even cursewords sufficed. I realize you want to write “the OK American novel”, but there is people in America who find that gesture extremely offensive (we seem to be foreigners, mostly, but foreigners and inmigrants make up a big chunk of the American population).

I am not married, nor gay, but Am a dopper.

As others have pointed out, neither one of us is “the girl.” And when it’s legal for us to marry, we will both be “grooms,” and each of us will be the other’s husband, and nobody will need to change his name . . . or be carried over the threshold :rolleyes:. I’m surprised you didn’t ask which of us would throw the bridal bouquet.

But I mean one of you is going to wear a white dress right?!

What is a “hard gay”? I would ask if that’s what led to the marriage but it’s difficult to have a shotgun gay wedding.

Okay so I do know what the OP means by “hard gay” but I’ve never heard that term before. I’m not particularly manly but I wouldn’t say I’m super-camp, am I a “soft gay” or what? “Medium texture gay”? “Gay with a chewy center”?

You might want to re-think your main characters’ sexuality, as you seem to have little knowledge of Gays or Lesbians.
My SO and I are “whatevers” as I like to call it - Nevada currently has a Domestic Partners law, since October of last year, and you pay $50 to be registered. We did that.
It gives us many, but not all, rights as a traditional heterosexual couple.
Changing either of our names would never be an option - why?! Neither of us “owns” the other. Stupid, archaic tradition - and even most hetero couples I know keep their same names legally these days.
And let me be the first to tell you that what someone does in bed has nothing to do with who is the “butch” person in any relationship. Trust me when I say we both have equal say in any decision, ever - always have and always will.
As far as the actual ceremony? Well - to date we have not had the option.
As we both disdain churches and ceremony, my guess is it would be a rather boring event - sign some papers and be done with it.
Now, the party afterward would be a FABULOUS event.

BTW, we will have been together 30 years this coming February, and considering until last year, either of us could have walked away without a single legal leg to stand on, I think it speaks volumes on our commitment.
Whenever I hear some asshole Republican rag on the idea of Gay Marriage, especially knowing the idiot has been divorced, it frosts my cookies.
Fuckin’ hypocrite.

At any rate - the old adage is to “write what you know about”…so may I strongly suggest you drop the idea of writing about Gays or Lesbians - you seem to be somewhat clueless.

Just to pile on with the others, your OP is stereotype-tastic and reveals a very strange picture of gay people. I’m not yet married (or civil partnered, as we have in the UK) but have attended a number of such do’s.

In the vast majority of cases, people keep their own names. Some may go double-barreled, with the order depending on whatever rolls off the tongue best. A tiny minority might have one party change their name.

For women, no white dresses (although it isn’t unheard of). Nobody leads anyone up the aisle and gives anyone away - the couple arrive and walk up together. No stupid cake. No bridesmaids or best men. More friends than distant relatives as guests. No bouquets. Probably no first dance. No hiding your outfit from your other half. Definitely no carrying anybody over the threshold unless it’s for a laugh.

What we keep:
_ speeches, except it’s from BOTH parties and not the ‘father of the bride’. More likely just close friends might speak in addition to the couple. Women actually get to speak for themselves.
_ a honeymoon-style holiday
_ hen/stag nights, except these are mixed (girls and boys attend either and likely both, and sometimes there’s just one joint hen/stag night which the couple attends together).

Rule No. 1: You need to dismiss this notion you have of traditional gender roles. Most gay couples really aren’t like that. If it helps, imagine you are marrying your best friend - how would you write the script for that day?

Congratulations. Your OP was so off the wall I had to sign up here just to respond.

My boyfriend and I decided that since we plan on having kids we will have a “family” name, so that everybody in the family will have the same last name. We’ll be the Mellark-BF’sName family. This way nobody is going to be giving anything up.

We’re not really adopting any traditions for the sake of tradition. We’re just going to go through things as we see fit.

Uh huh. Are you going to write a grand story about an ethnic group you’re not a member of and have no experience with, too? One that you haven’t done the slimmest of research on? Like, oh, say actually talking to a member of the group. Ever. In your life.

This is insanely offensive. Gay is about orientation, not gender identity. I have my swishy moments and have been known to put on eyeliner before going out for tea, but I am a man. Within my relationship, I am treated as a man. My boyfriend likes swishy boys, yay, but he likes boys. We don’t mimic straight relationships. We’re not trying to be you. Sometimes you get two butches. Sometimes you get two femmes. Sometimes you get two guys who say fuck it to the whole thing and just live their lives without conforming to either one. Sometimes the “meek” or “femme” one is a top. Sometimes the butch one is the biggest, sluttiest power bottom you ever did meet.

We are two people of the same gender who love each other. Our gender identities are the same, though personal expressions of our manhood may differ. But at the end of the day? We’re men.

Well I’m gay and am willing to cut the OP slack 'cause I know people that aren’t familiar with gays. How is someone supposed to learn unless they ask?

Even if it was a troll, there are probably a lot of sincere people who would like to know but are afraid to ask.

Instead of saying which is the “woman,” once could say “who is the top” “who is the bottom”

But you still know that the OP means.

So perhaps instead of saying the post is offensive you could educate them how to ask the question so it’s not so offensive, then answer it.

Part of the problem is TV and movies present gay relationships as the exact same as straight ones, just substituting two of the same sex for the straight relationship. And it’s not usually like that at all.

But that’s another thread :slight_smile:

There are plenty of queer relationships that don’t involve a top or bottom, either. I sure don’t define myself or my relationship by what position I take in sex. Perhaps this is something older people cling to, but it really isn’t that common among anybody I know. Many of us don’t even have sex that could be defined in top/bottom terms.

You are gay and you honestly don’t see the problem with someone assuming that every gay relationship involves some bright-line distinction between one partner who penetrates and one partner who is penetrated? And you don’t see the problem with the assumption that these bedroom preferences translate into who is the “man” and who is the “woman” outside of the bedroom? Really? That sounds fine to you? Really, I’m more inclined to think your reply was trolling than the original post.

I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He might honestly be one of those gays from the '70s who really thinks his place in the world is decided by which end of the penis he’s on. Pretty sure everybody born after the AIDS crisis knows better, but a few dinosaurs have survived to modern day.


We’re in MPSIMS, people – keep it civil, avoid personal insults.


twickster, MPSIMS mod

Didn’t think (naively o0bviously) that this would upset so many! I’ll ask it to be locked.

interesting that you would make this observation. seeing that a lot of gay people want to have the ability to enter into a relationship that has historically been defined by straight people.

It doesn’t need to be locked, but people need to avoid personal comments about each other. This is neither the Pit nor GD.


twickster, MPSIMS moderator