Married Gay/Lesbian Doppers

Uh, what? No, gay people want their couplings recognized in the eyes of the law as binding and so forth in the same way that straight couplings are.

This thread has panned out exactly as I knew it would, after reading the OP. Well done, all!

“Hard Gay” -snerk-


Whenever someone mentions Hard Gay all I can think of is that Japanese guy.

I’m not sure assumptions like those in the OP are all that rare (along with chestnuts like ‘Can lesbians even have sex with no penis involved?’). A gay male couple I know who got married last year was asked about the name changing thing, with the same question about who was going to be ‘the woman.’ Which is pretty enlightening when you think about straight couples who get married and have the woman change her name, without question. It boggles their minds that one person won’t have to cede part of their person once they get married.

I would imagine that if people feel the need for one partner to carry the other over a threshold, the bigger one ought to carry the smaller one, regardless of their bedroom habits.

I also recall hearing of at least one same-sex couple (I think it was one of the couples involved in the lawsuit that brought same-sex marriage to Massachusetts) where one partner took the other’s last name. I recall being a little curious about that but didn’t ever find out how they decided that.

I’m guessing one of them was named something like “Williamson” and the other was named something like “Turdenstein”.

With a bit of looking around on the web, going off my hunch, I found this NY Times article from the time they were married:

So I guess neither one took the other’s surname. Incidentally, they’ve since divorced. Nothing I’ve found indicates whether they’ve changed their surnames back.

Another option would be to combine part of each spouses surname into a single new name. Notable heterosexual example is how Mr Antonio Villar married Miss Corina Raigosa and they became Mr & Mrs Antonio & Corina Villaraigosa. They’re divorced now, but he still hasn’t gone back to his bachelor name.

The only time I’ve had this discussion, he very much wanted to take my name because his family name didn’t have any positive associations for him; I jokingly forbid him from even contemplating it, given how hard my name is to spell; I refuse to inflict that on anyone.

Incidentally, I wouldn’t jump down the OP’s throat (at least not too severely). When I do homosexuality demystification workshops in high schools, the question “Is one of you the ‘man’ and the other one the ‘woman’” is one of the most common questions – we get it asked nearly every workshop; it’s quite remarkable. It seems to be a very common notion even among young people. So we might as well just fight the ignorance.

I’m a more feminine guy, and I like both feminine and masculine guys (I’m not into actual machismo, though). I like different things about the different dynamics, and of course every relationship has its own dynamics as well. But even when I’m with a butch guy and I enjoy how that kind of relationship feels, I certainly don’t seek out butch men just because I’m femme and somehow feel like I have to for that reason.

So even in relationships where one of the partners happens to be butch and the other happens to be femme – even if the relationship is that way because they’re attracted to that aspect of each other and/or they like that dynamic in a relationship – it certainly isn’t because one of them automatically has to be “the woman” and the other one has to be “the man.”

Being civil as requested, I know 7 couples off the top of my brain who have been legally married. 6 of the couples just kept their own last names and 1 legally changed their last names to a neutral one as a separate procedure afterwords. Why they made that decision I have no idea and I love them too much to really be curious about it. I think its to separate themselves from disapproving families but that is just an educated guess.

And, of course, there are relationships where the dynamic within their relationship is the opposite of what would be expected from outward appearance of who’s butch and femme.

I’m just relieved to see that there are a fair number of posters here who find the idea of one spouse taking the other’s last name to be an antiquated and ludicrous tradition. Where have you all been in other threads when people have jumped down my throat for saying that?

Oh, naturally. And there are lots of different dynamics that can exist, and they can change from day to day. If I’m with a butch, some times I want him to be all traditional and gentlemanly, and other times I want to seduce him, and other times I want him to be all RAWR and drag me home by the hair (metaphorically speaking. In real life we DO NOT FUCK with the hair), and other times it’s role reversal Thursday! And sometimes this is all just for fun, and other times it’s dynamics within the relationship, and sometimes it’s more subtle and other times more overt, and sometimes it’s in certain aspects and not (or even the opposite) in others, and so forth. And some times there are no dynamics to speak of, we’re just hanging out or doing the dishes or whatever.

Most everyone I know does, though versatile is pretty common around LA. Although ‘define themselves’ is a bit stronger of a term then I would use.

That makes me sad. I can’t imagine a full sex life with no fucking.

It makes me sad when people think their opinions about what a full sex life is are applicable to the general population.

Regardless of what makes you sad or not (I’m betting what you consider a “full sex life” would make me sad) I don’t understand how the notion of “top” and “bottom” are necessary for buttfucking. I can be the buttfucker or the buttfuckee without needing to choose which team I’m on. It’s fine if a couple tends to end up with one defined sexual routine that they both enjoy, but it just seems asinine to decide that that has to correlate with some sort of basic personality feature.

Because it just is what it is. Most gay people that do anal (the last survey I recall said something like 70% do) prefer one or the other. But that doesn’t really have anything to do with what I had quote and was responding to.

Who said anything about the general population?

There are definitely some guys who feel that which role they prefer reflects on them and/or their masculinity in some way. IMHO these are guys to run away from very, very fast.

Many guys do have a preference, even an exclusive preference, but for lots of different reasons – physical capabilities (such as pain, difficulty maintaining an erection, etc.), physical or emotional enjoyment, desire to accommodate a long-term partner, etc., etc.

They’ll probably use words like “top” or “bottom” for themselves, but what I find is that for most people it’s a purely descriptive word for what they want to do, and not something they see themselves as having to restrict themselves to if they don’t feel like it.