Married Gay/Lesbian Doppers

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

I don’t know, maybe it’s a generational issue. I can’t imagine either deciding to exclusively be on one end of the penis, or identifying with that as some basic part of my personality. Someone earlier was suggesting that this whole division of “tops” versus “bottoms” was normal and prevalent a generation or two ago (I’d certainly be astonished if someone I was having sex with started talking in those terms.) Are you super old, Antinor? Maybe that’s why this makes sense to you but not to younger people.

Sure, I get that. If you have Crohn’s disease, or a small dick, or an extra sensitive prostate, or just plain like the idea of being penetrated or being the penetrator, and you end up in one of those positions exclusively and are satisfied with that, more power to you. I’m not arguing that everyone has to flip a coin every time they have sex to ensure that they get penetrated exactly as many times as they penetrate. I’m just saying I don’t get turning it into some sort of statement about what kind of person you are.

42

I’m 35, my partner is 29 and many of my friends are in their early 20’s. From what I’ve seen it’s pretty common for people to prefer one over the other.

I don’t know what you mean by it being part of your personality though, what you prefer in bed doesn’t really have anything to do with your general personality.

I don’t get turning it into a statement about what kind of person you are either. I know the sort of attitude you mean though and it seems that it was more in the 70’s and earlier that it was a much bigger deal.

43

Eh, it depends on who I’m with, how I feel about the situation, what time of year it is, whatever. Sometimes I can go weeks without wanting anal at all. Frot and blowjobs are more than enough to get me by. And then there are those times when it’s all I’m interested in. I don’t view anal as the only way to “fuck”, so I guess it’s not the center of the universe for me.

44

Well, I’d be more charitable to the OP if the questions hadn’t been based on a novel already written. That’s just… strange. Also having opposite-sex parents lead them down the aisle: muh? Why? Because a gay man’s Dad becomes a woman? That’s a new twist on the nature-nurture debate.

I’ll answer anyway, because I’m bored, and maybe the OP genuinely was just woefully uniformed.

I’m gay, not married, but have been to numerous gay weddings.

If they had young children or were planning to have children together, they often changed their names in some way - either a completely new name, or one spouse taking the other’s surname - not based on butch or femme or whatever, but based on family allegiances, kids already born, or how nice the name is - or they took on a completely new name.

If there were no kids involved, no name changes took place.

I don’t know for sure if anyone carried the other over the aisle, but I suspect that it would have just been in a jokey way, like it would be with straight marriages these days.

None of them were ‘given away’ by their family. However, the same goes for most straight weddings I’ve been to. Quite a few of my gay friends who’ve got married haven’t had any parents there at all because either they’re dead or they’re not comfortable with the marriage.

Clothing can be a little tricky. One woman wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit would look, I don’t know, like the one in the suit was actually ‘the man’ in that relationship; even though that’s just how they’re comfortable dressing and that’s how they’d dress on other occasions, for their own wedding it’d be a bit too much of a statement.

So, generally, both women have dressed up a lot for the occasion, either both in dresses, or both in really nice trouser suits, or one in a dress and one in a trouser suit but neither looking like a wedding dress and a wedding suit. The clothing fits the colour scheme for the wedding just like a straight bride’s bouquet usually matches her groom’s tie.

Men have it easier in this regard - two men in wedding suits or just suits or tuxes or whatever looks fine, and that’s how they’ve dressed.

The other traditions have been made up as they’ve gone along, depending on how much family was involved, how much money, how traditional the couple were generally, etc.

They have, all but one, been more low-key than the straight weddings I’ve been to for people of the same age and income. This is partly because they have to be in a registry office rather than a church or some glamourous location. Some registry offices are pretty, but some really aren’t, and you have to be in and out of there pretty quickly.

I’ve only seen one lesbian wedding where one woman was in a wedding dress, the other in a morning suit and the whole traditional shebang was gone for. Funnily enough, that was also the only wedding where the family were with it completely from the get-go.

45

Well, even if 70% is true, that leaves 30% who don’t stick to either bottom or top but do still fuck, which is enough for ‘many of us’ or ‘plenty of us.’

46

Sitting in the corner with the other Hispanics, wondering why would anybody do such a strange thing…

47

A lot of gay people want to have the ability to have their relationships legally recognized. It’s about the MARRIAGE not the replicating the straight person’s wedding. That’s a very important distinction. When it comes to taxes, medical benefits and there being absolutely no question about whether or not I have any say when it comes to medical decisions on my spouse’s behalf. It’s about the legal contract not the ceremony.

At any rate, responding to the OP: My partner and I have discussed marriage and what you describe would be entirely inappropriate and distasteful to us. For one thing, the butch/femme thing is based on a silly stereotype that isn’t found often around here. It’s completely inapplicable. Secondly, there is no one “dominant partner” that harkens to the days of “father knows best” wherein the "manly partner is in charge and the “damsel” needs to be carried over the threshold. The very idea of lampooning a straight wedding using Victorian-era expectations is distasteful. We would never change our names. We would not even have a ceremony, and if we did, it would not be based on the traditional straight wedding. My partner feels it’s important to stand up exchange vows in front of loved ones and that is likely the only part of a traditional wedding ceremony that would remain.

Most of my female GLBT friends how have married have simply dressed very formally for the event and most have walked down the aisle together. None have changed their names. I don’t recall if anyone was “given away” by any parent, but I did not attend all of the weddings. They exchanged vows. Then they had a party.

Edit: If the way it’s described in the OP was the only option available, I think we’d never get married ever. It would offend me too much to follow contrivances that way.

48

[quote=“Peeta_Mellark, post:15, topic:552738”]

And this is at least as offensive as anything in the OP. Believe it or not, someday you will be a “dinosaur,” if you’re lucky. Or maybe not.

49

And this is kind of narrow-minded as well. You know, there are people in the world who believe that same-sex couples are incapable of having “a full sex life” at all, or that we don’t love each other. Where is it carved in stone that fucking is mandatory?

50

Since a moderator posted shortly after that post to keep things civil, I’m not going to go into any great defense mode here for that post. I’ll just point out I was mocking (a now banned, I see) person’s bizarre viewpoint that nobody could honestly hold Markxxx’s opinion. If the target of my satire appeared to be Markxxx instead of the banned person, I apologize.

51

I’m a newlywed straight guy and I find the schtick in the OP to be inappropirate and distasteful to us! If I read that in the book what would first leap to mind is that the author had immature notions about marriage/weddings and was making two critical errors:

  1. Thinking that all weddings follow the same cookie-cutter recipe as seen on sitcoms.
  2. Assuming that the participants would even want them to.

For a lesbian wedding, it looks like the OP was casting a school play and not enough boys showed up to audition.

“Tommy, you will be Officiant. Sally, you can be Bride. And the role of Groom will go to… uh… um… Peppermint Patty, can you play the man? Yeah, why don’t we do that? See if you can borrow your brother’s suit.”

My sister and her partner have been together for years. If you were expecting one of them to “play the part of the man” in what you think a wedding should be, you really need to get out more and see how people are getting married.

52

I was over in GD debating guns and smoking.

It’s not just names. My wife does the yard work (its small and I have allergy issues) and I do the laundry (Its easier for my schedule). She does the bills and I do the social correspondence (she’s a professional secretary - accounts she can handle but she hates “chitchat writing” in her free time). We both need to, and do, work outside the home and we don’t have kids and never will. She can use her name, my name, or call herself “Abercrombie Fafuffnik” for all I care.

Ozzie and Harriet and all that are history and something I hope we don’t try to live - gay, straight, or a blend inbetween.

53

…right

54

As for giving the bride away and/or the bride walking up the aisle to meet her waiting groom my parents didn’t do any of that. Mom wore a blue dress, and they both walked up the aisle together. It was the 2nd wedding for both of them and my mother refused to “fall for the same traditional crap” she did at her first wedding when she was a frightened 16 yr old.

55

Presumedly a gay man on his wedding night.

56

It’s not carved anywhere. I merely expressed my opinion that I can’t imagine living that way. How is that any reflection on what other people do?

57

If you’d like to see how some queer couples have gotten hitched, check out these tags from Offbeat Bride:

1000+ fabulous lesbian wedding ideas and inspiration from Offbeat Bride. (the third entry on this is my friend Ariel!)

They haven’t received any submissions yet from gay boys. I’m angling to be the first. (Just gotta find that pesky groom first…)

58

For us, we had two ceremonies, due to the timing of and insurance against Prop 8. Our official wedding was in our living room in June. Very simple and basic - pretty much “Do you?” “Do you?” “You’re married!” followed by a barbecue and cake.

The formal ceremony was in December - technically, it was a renewal of vows as Prop 8 was in effect by then. We were both in tails and toppers in a Victorian-themed setting, and there was nobody to “give us away.” How I hate that term - it makes the person sound like an old sofa on craigslist. Neither of us had any actual relatives attend either ceremony.

There’s no man/woman, butch/fem, whatever with us. We’re two men. We both cook, do laundry, fix the truck, pay the bills, play with the dog, quibble over what color to paint the kitchen and so on. Just like other married people.

Initially, nobody changed their name, but a few months later, he decided to take my name as his family had all but disowned him and he wanted nothing to do with them. Fortunately, a marriage license in California makes that easy to do without court filings. (I don’t know about now, but while SSM was legal in CA, name changes were a completely different process than marriages, but having the license took a few layers of process out.)

59

Have you had any issues with people thinking he is your brother? I like the idea of combining names but it would drive me nuts having to correct people.

60

Can’t be any worse than the constant need to explain to people that my partner is neither my best friend or room mate.