And thank you all, this is really, really helpful. (Well, most of it >eyeroll< )
I’m not sure that you have to fly solo. It sounds like your financial situation is somewhat precarious, which isn’t uncommon. If both of you work, it will give you more financial stability and make it so your marriage can better weather any crisis that comes up.
As you are finding out now, the employment landscape gets much more challenging the older you get. Even if your husband is totally dedicated to working, a lot will be out of his control. Many companies try to shed their older employees one way or another and are reluctant to hire them. Add in the fact that it sounds like you’ve been out of the workforce for a while, it’s going to be really tough for you to find a well paying and stable job. We can discuss the fairness of that, but it won’t help your and your husband’s job situation. That’s the reality of the world we live in. You should expect that finding jobs at your ages will be very challenging and keeping them will be uncertain regardless of your performance.
It sounds like you’ve made joint finances work for many decades. I don’t see a good reason to try and change that now. Certainly getting a job will help immensely, but changing to split finances at this time may not solve that many problems and could introduce more areas of contention.
When we met about 20 years ago we each had separate accounts at the same credit union. Due to purchases and loans like cars, etc. we added each other to both accounts, so we really have two separate joint accounts that we both have access to. The credit union updated their e-banking system last year and it now shows all accounts with the same owner’s name on them. So when I sign into my account I also see the other account, balances, debits, it is all right there if I want to get nosy. My savings, checking, loans, and all of hers too.
I asked her if that bothered her and her response was, “Why”? We don’t have secrets but I would no more look at and question her spending than I would look at her cell phone or internet history. It is called respect. Of course if either of us were so inclined we could clean the other one out at anytime. She will occasionally notice my account being a bit low and add money to it, otherwise we leave each others account alone.
As for bill paying, I pay for my own credit cards and personal spending and she pays the household bills, which are small, having just paid the house off. And she makes 3 or 4 times what I do so the bills don’t really matter much to her bottom line.
I didn’t mean to sound dismissive. Actually, having just reread my response, it did come across a little gruff. That said, I do think there can be some different expectations across different marriages, but finances isn’t one of them. It’s a core value that both husband and wife need to agree upon. Same as if/how to raise children. Married people have chosen to cross the finish line together, hopefully many years away, but still together. That only works if you share the same core long term goals with your spouse.
The way I did it with my long term significant other was that she used her money for all her shopping, gifts and personal items while I paid the bills and groceries. Her income was not that much so it worked out ok. If we had equal earnings I would have asked for 1/2 of bills, groceries and rent. If she made 25% of what I made I would expect that she set aside a fair allowance for her monthly personal expenses and then contribute 1/2 of what was left over to the house. I guess it just depends on your lifestyle and each persons income.
Are you worried with your financial security or with your freedom to control some of the money?
If your financial security, be aware that most states will help you with this in the event of a divorce. Obviously, if your husband loses his job, you will need replacement income, and good luck finding work – but you don’t need to separate your finances for this.
If you are worried about your level of control, perhaps, rather than trying to separate your finances right now, it would be more practical to set up small separate accounts for “fun money” that you each control separately. You don’t need to separate the main finances, just agree how much to fund in your individual accounts from income.
I pay for everything, and she doesn’t.
Works for one of us. :rolleyes:
Split the big stuff, take turns on the small stuff.
My wife and I have separate accounts and then a joint checking and savings account. We both put in the same amount to each and that is what we use to pay the normal household bills. If something unexpected and expensive comes up, one of us will pay for it out of our own account. We ended up doing this because of me. I had a terrible first marriage where my first wife insisted on joint accounts. She then spent every dime we made on frivolous things, leaving us with nothing for emergencies. Buying gifts were also a problem, as she would know what I spent and then complain because I didn’t spend enough. After the divorce, I promised myself I would never put myself in that kind of financial situation again. While we are on each other’s accounts in case of emergencies, we still respect each others privacy on the accounts. While this may not work for others, it works very well for us.
I know I’m coming off as negative on this idea, but one thing to also keep in mind is that you’re hearing just the success stories, and those success stories had them splitting finances from the start. Trying to split finances after several decades may have no relevance to the stories in this thread. When people are just starting out, they naturally will tend to pair up with someone who shares similar financial goals. Or maybe there were no finances to worry about at the beginning, so they figured things out slowly as they went along. Some people ended up with shared finances, others with separate. The couples where it didn’t work out, they split up early and instead ended up with someone they were better matched with. And thus we have the success stories in this thread.
It sounds like something big happened, which has you feeling panicked and anxious. Please take a breath and let things calm down before you make a big decision that could damage your marriage. The world out there is pretty harsh, and you may find it difficult to support yourself on your own. Take a moment to relax so you can think clearly. It may truly be that you are best on your own, but make sure you make that decision when you know you are making it for the right reasons.
Which is why I’m asking questions and getting info.
We started together and are now more apart(financially that is. Relationship wise, I can assure you I am a very happy husband.) Our situation was similar to yours in that I made all of the money and she stayed at home. The difference with ours is that she didn’t HAVE to get a job. She could quit tomorrow and things would be tighter, but we’d manage. As such, I just kept paying for everything necessary to living and her money is just whatever she feels needs to be paid for otherwise. I was the one that wanted the arrangement that way. I always thought that it was my job to supply the household needs, so anything she made was basically just for her and what she thought was important whatever that may be. I thought that would give her the greatest amount of freedom in her career. She could work full-time like a dog and have lots of money or work an hour a week and not make as much, but know that regardless things were taken care of. I don’t want her to think that she HAS to work. I want her to work because she enjoys it and if she wants to stop working or take a year or two off, then I’ll take care of things. I don’t know. I think it works for us. She works about 12 hours a week and is self-employed, makes about 50 grand. She takes care of most of the stuff around the house since I work more. She gets to spend her money how she wants. I get to know that she’s happy with her life.
Like I said earlier, this arrangement largely works because I don’t have a lot of wants and she’s great with money. When I do want something, I generally talk myself out of getting it, so I don’t tend to put much pressure on my income. I’m the kind of guy that could live in a tent and be happy. Both of our credit scores are around 800 with no debt other than a car payment and a mortgage. So, there’s really not a lot of conflict. She wanted to spend a long weekend at a ski resort with her sister and so she used her account to pay for it. I don’t have to think about it since that’s what she wants and she worked to get it.
This doesn’t address the OP, but separate finances can be as little as each partner having a set monthly “allowance” to use for gifts and anything that isn’t being budgeted together. My folks were doing that from the fifties, on, and doing it on a single salary. Since they were both tightwads, there were many times that they’d have a sudden expense and decide to “borrow” from their allowance stashes and then pay the allowances back over a few months.
Since they kept their allowances in cash and in the house, it let them meet sudden expenses without dipping into savings, which was earning interest, and without having to cut back on other things.
+1! Everything goes into one account. We have one credit card. Any purchases under $500 are fair game. Anything over that warrants discussion. We have been married for close to 32 years and are very secure in our retirement.
We pay for different things and don’t really keep tabs, I pay the mortgage and she does food and stuff. Same concept as chores really: you can take turns doing every chore if you want, but in some cases it’s less of a headache for different people to consistently do different things. But for me it’s important that I can spend money on non-essentials for personal use without having to justify it as long as I do so responsibly. So our shared account gets minimal use.
We split things like childcare ($$$ FML!). I usually do the payment by alternating between flex savings accounts and I pay the difference and she pays me back. Apps like Venmo are useful for this purpose.
We trust each other but at the same time I’ve seen the aftermath of one partner looting a shared account.
This is a great goal and a clear one. Wish I had the perfect advice to give. FWIW I applaud what you’re trying to do and wish more people did so. It’d be good for everyone to be able to count on themselves, and to stay where they are if they want to, or walk if they want to.
We both earn about the same and have his, hers, and ours checking accounts and a joint savings account. We each have our paychecks go into our individual checking accounts and transfer the vast majority into joint checking, which is used for all household expenses. We each trust each other to be sensible about not blowing ridiculous amounts of money on frivolities.
It has worked for us for 9 years so far (we opened the joint checking account the week before our wedding, when gifts started to arrive). If we needed to keep a super-strict budget, things might be different.
IMHO, you’re seeking to create a marriage escape fund rather than just shared finances and responsibilities. That’s perfectly fine and understandable since you apparently have doubts and concerns about continuing the marriage. I think it’s only fair to both yourself and your husband to discuss your plans (which will be obvious to him once you begin work and discuss shared finances).
I’m not married, nor have even been married, but might I suggest a roommate type of financial agreement? That is, you pay half of the rent/mortgage and utilities and pay for everything else you need (food, clothing, etc.) yourself. Since you perform 99% of the duties around the house, he should contribute a portion of his monies (separate from his personal needs) to offset what you do.
It may sound cruel and extreme, but it will give you an idea of what you would need to live alone and it’s fairer than building up a fund in private and suddenly leaving.
As for your job search, first, now is the time to keep searching as the unemployment rate is so low. Second, I recommend trying a temp agency, especially since you haven’t worked in 15 years. They’ll give you tests to assess your skills and experience and from that look for placements in appropriate level assignments / jobs. Plus, since the employers are coming to them, they’ll get you into the door much easier and quicker than if you try to do it yourself. Another advantage is you may get to try out different positions in different companies. Things have changed in the past 15 years.
BTW, many temp agencies don’t always have just have temporary assignments. I just finished my second temp assignment for the year (I was let go from my job last year, which I got a permanent position with 3 years ago from an agency) and I have two potential direct hire positions pending from one company and another company has me on a list for other potential direct hire positions that may come up.
When my husband and I first got together we kept separate finances. He paid me something for his upkeep and I paid the bills. He made less than I did and was clearing up a bankruptcy. I paid for big expenses, it was my house, and his big expense was bankruptcy payments.
Eventually, we put all money into one account, except for allowances that came out - we each got $50 or something each week and the joint account was used for all joint expenses. He spent all of his, I had extra money.
Once we had kids, and had good incomes, we got rid of the allowances and now use the big pot method.
My in laws divided expenses - she had groceries, he had the mortgage. He had the utilities, but didn’t drive - she had the car and all the car expenses. When a big expense arrives, they both pitch in (or we pay for it, that’s NEVER happened - life has changed since my husband’s bankruptcy, but he did get his money management skills from his mother).
My sister and her husband put their checks into individual accounts and then put the money - divided out by proportion of income - into the household account to pay the bills each month. Except that her husband who made more money, and therefore also had the bigger share of household expenses, also spent more money, so it turned out to be more like 50/50 since he was always short. That also ended with kids. She paid for big expenses because he was broke.
Good luck with the job, the marriage and the anxiety. See a doctor about the anxiety if you haven’t.
(Other places to consider for a first job - schools are looking for subs. Daycare places are usually looking - both involve working with kids which I wouldn’t find any less anxiety producing, but you might - I like the temp agency idea, though).