Married women and last names

My sister kept her maiden name when she married several decades ago, but some government agency (SocSec?) changed it for her. :smack: When she complained, they wanted her to fill out a Change-of-Name form to restore the name she’d never changed. :rolleyes:

Bureaucracy is evil. Our son (the offspring of two American citizens) was born in South Africa, and the bureaucrats there would not let us give him my last name. Or rather, they would - if there was no father named on the birth certificate. But if we wanted to identify my husband as the father, the law said we HAD to give my son the father’s name.

So, having no choice, we capitulated, but then tried to change his name through US channels. As a long-time expat with no residency in a US state, I called the US State Department. The conversation went something like this:

ME (calling general phone number at State):
* Hi, I know this is weird … but I’m an American expatriate with no residence in a US state, and I need to change my son’s name.*

INTERLOCUTOR:

  • Oh sure! It happens all the time, no problem. Let me transfer you!*

ME:
(amazed but happy)

PERSON THEY TRANSFER ME TO:
* Hello, can I help you?*

ME:

  • I hope so. My son, an American, was born in South Africa. The law there requires that he be given the surname of his father. We want him to have the surname of his mother. We don’t live in America. How can I legally change his name?*

PERSON:

  • Oh sure - common question! It comes up all the time, because of divorce/adoption issues. No problem! Let me transfer you to the right office!*
    

**ME: **Yay!

NEXT PERSON:

  • Hello, can I help you?*
    

ME:

  • I hope so. My son, an American, was born in South Africa. The law there requires that he be given the surname of his father. We want him to have the surname of his mother. We don’t live in America. How can I legally change his name?*

NEXT PERSON:

  • Of course I can't help you! That's not a conventional reason for changing a child's name!*
    

ME:

  • .... ?????*
    

**NEXT PERSON **(in marginally more polite language than I am using here):

  • If you are not provably resident of a US state that you can submit a name change request to, I don't give a shit. Your reason is not conventional. Go away.*
    

Honest to gawd, that was the word … “conventional.” Had I been trying to change my son’s name to that of an adopting stepfather, I guess State would have helped, because that was “conventional” enough for them. But since my husband and I merely wanted to do something we were entitled to do under US law, but not South African law, the US State Department would not assist.

Luckily, my parents were good friends with an attorney in the state of New Hampshire, where my parents still lived and where I had lived from age 11 to 18. That attorney basically helped us dredge up enough documentation to satisfy residency requirements in NH, and a judge there changed our son’s name for us.

It’s been 17 years and I’m still pissed. Can you tell? Fuck the US State Department and “conventional” reasons.

I changed my name, and have now had it longer than I had my maiden name.

I did not change my name when I married. My first name is very common, my last name is very unusual (but euphonious and easy to pronounce), and I was always kind of identified by my last name. I was often addressed by both names.

Also I was/am strongly identified as a feminist and all-the-usual-feminist reasons. My husband has zero feelings on the subject.

I found when we had children (and gave them his last name) I was automatically addressed as Mrs. Husband’sName…whatever, too much trouble to correct anybody.

BUT THEN

my brother married someone with the same first AND middle name as me! and then she took his (MY) unusual last name. Now we had exactly the same name. And lived in the same town.

Too Much Trouble. I changed to my married name to avoid confusing situations. Actually confusing situations still occur, but we deal.

Still I sort of feel like I’m tricking people when I say my name is Carlotta Husband’sName.

Not the government, but the bank I had done business with for over 10 years was sold to another bank — and during the ensuing process the name on my bank account was changed. I complained, because I really want my bank account to have my legal name on it. The person I complained to really pushed back, insisted I have to fill out a card, provide proof of name change, etc. I said no, YOUR system changed my name without permission, you change it back, without charge or hassle or me filling out forms. I want it back to what I opened the account with. I told him to pull the original signature cards. He said you know, we really can do that, do you really want us to do that? Like it would somehow catch me in a lie. I said I insisted they do that, because someone obviously made a mistake in transferring a record or something.

They changed it back a week later.

When I ordered a new set of checks my name got screwed up AGAIN! Even worse. I called their customer service about it. The person tried to blame my husband for screwing it up. Uh, no… I had been married 23 years at that point, I was pretty sure my husband knew my correct, legal name. This was done by someone clearly deciding my name should be more traditional and without a hyphen (and apparently with my husband’s middle initial!) They got me a new set of checks at no charge, this time done correctly.

I’d say I regret hyphenating, but I know too many other people who have problems like this without any past name change or marriage, so I think it’s just that bureaucracies often don’t work properly.

If it makes you feel any better, Bright House Networks (the local Time Warner Cable subsidiary) has been misspelling my surname for 15 years without the benefit of any marriages.

This post reminded me of something: I hate that practice. Not just because it denies my wife’s personhood, but because it diminishes mine. I used to have my name, N____ , all to myself. Now I’m just half of N _? What the fuck? Where’d the rest of me go? Yes, yes, when you marry, two become one, and all that stuff that the officiants say. But we’re still whole people in our own right, too. There is no "Mrs. N _____."

We’re N_____ and K____ _____. We’re not even really Mr. and Mrs. _____ since she never officially took my name, but that was originally the plan, so whatever.

And no, Aunt Jane, we won’t apologize for being announced by our own goddamn names at the wedding. Unless you want me to address you as Aunt Steve.

I changed my name both times when I got married. I thought it would bother me, but actually I came to feel that it doesn’t matter what I’m called. My name is whatever I’ll answer to, my essence is ineffable. :slight_smile:

stillownedbysetters, that’s a great story.

In the vanishingly small chance I get married, I believe this is how I would feel too. I’m actually surprised at the young women I know who change their name.

True, but lots of people also think their marriages will look more “real” if they change their names. Sometimes people who are from countries where name changes on marriage aren’t the norm think so. I always make a point of telling clients that it’s a personal choice, not a legal requirement.

Eva Luna, Immigration Paralegal

I feel your pain. When I got married, a well-meaning aunt assumed I was changing my name and wrote a gift check to a person who doesn’t exist. I went to the bank to try to deposit it, and the teller assumed I was trying to ask how to change my name with the bank.

You should have seen the list of my “aliases” that showed up on our condo purchase paperwork, none of which I have ever used. I crossed them all out.

I actually knew a guy who took his wife’s last name, he told me he hated his last name, and the wife’s last name was actually pretty cool. His wife was a huge bitch though and they got divorced a few years later, I have no idea if he kept her name though.

Got married in 1987. Took my husband’s name.

Changed it back when I filed for divorce. Then the way his family treated me after he died before I could divorce him made me glad I didn’t have anything to tie me to that name.

I have written off ever getting married again, but I am never changing my name again. Even my number plate reflects the name I was born with, which is quirky and unusual and has an interesting history.

Yep, I applied for a government job once and truthfully gave them the two and only two names I have ever used.

They came back with a list of aliases for me and asked me to explain them.

I explained that a lot of junk mail and ignorant people have mangled my name over the years, giving me middle initials or names where I didn’t have them, or mucked around with the hyphenated surname, but I could not be responsible for the actions of stupid third parties. I have used only the two names, that’s it.

I have a four character one syllable last name, and I always thought it was too short and boring. I never thought much about getting married when I was a kid either, but when I did think about it I wanted nothing more than a polysyllabic last name!

I once applied for mortgage and they asked to certify that I also used the middle initial “L”, which I don’t. I didn’t certify it, and everything went through. But I did notice myself getting junk mail with that name. No idea where it started.

I went with the first option. I’m not married now, divorced, and took back my maiden name. When I did marry and take his name I added my maiden name as a middle name.

I never changed my name. My mother never changed her name, so I grew up considering it completely normal for a woman to be known by her maiden name. I have always liked my name (it is very unusual and my family is the only family in America that uses it) plus I am a doctor and didn’t see any reason to bother with changing all the licenses and whatnot.
I have a friend who changed her last name, got everyone to start calling her by the new name, but then divorced after about a year, and then had to change everything back to her maiden name. It didn’t seem worth the hassle. She ended up remarrying and didn’t change her name this time. I guess seeing things like that made me feel like even though nobody expects to get divorced, it CAN happen, so why cause extra hassle for yourself?

Some relatives do seem to have a hard time with accepting or remembering that I never took my husband’s name. They address mail to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname even though I have never given them any reason to think I go by his name. Whatever. That’s just how old people are sometimes.

I’m currently pregnant and plan to give my son the hyphenated version of my name and my husband’s name. Neither of our names is very long or cumbersome, so I think it will be fine.

Our daughter has my last name. My husband isn’t close to his family, and I am close to mine, so it made sense.

Married twice, neither of them took my last name.

First wife kept her maiden name because all her licenses and professional paperwork were in that name and it would have been a royal pain to change it, and I really didn’t care if she kept her maiden name.

Just got married again, and my lovely wife is Chinese. Traditionally, women keep their own name in Chinese marriages so we did that. Frankly I find it looks weird to see her name written down in Western name order, it would seem really odd to me if she had taken my last name.

As for kids, my new stepdaughter has her bio-dad’s last name, as is also Chinese tradition. So she doesn’t share a surname with either of the adults currently in her life. So far, luckily, no official types have looked askance at that.

On an amusing note, the first marriage had no children but quite a few dogs, Vets and pharmacies like to add a surname to the pet’s name, so they usually wound up being called by her name as she often made the vet appointments and dropped off prescriptions. It is amusing to see a prescription label that reads “<wife’s surname>, Tristan (dog)”.

My first husband had a cat named “Ugly” (she wasn’t). Getting mail for “Ugly Lastname” was amusing.