My engagement ring and my wedding ring are the same band. It does have diamonds, but it wasn’t a very expensive ring when we bought it (gold was cheaper back then). $350 maybe? And I don’t wear it all the time. Wasn’t a huge jewelry person then, still not really (although I’m starting to buy pieces that interest me).
When asked this question in the past, Doper women tend to be pretty pragmatic and very few have the huge flashy solitaires.
When I proposed (without a ring), I then gave my fiancee the choice of a ring or a two-months honeymoon in Europe (we were both teaching and had summers off). Of course, she chose the vacation, which we fondly remember over 45 years later. We got plain gold bands for wedding rings. Although she still twits me for never having bought her a diamond ring. At this point it has become a point of honor not to. I do think these rings are are a phenomenal waste of money.
Despite this, both my sons bought engagement rings for their intendeds and my daughter got one too.
From Facebook:
"It’s like this [my name - sorry not sharing]. The ring IS a symbol of worth, but not to the person receiving the gift. Sure there might be some people who would also be willing to live in a cardboard box as long as they got to share it with the one they loved, but that doesn’t bring much security. For any sane person you want security and especially financial security.
If you got an expensive ring and the guy is wealthy then that’s probably a good sign, but on the flip side if you got an expensive ring and the person works at McDonald’s that’s a good indicator of fiscal irresponsibility and an even better indicator that this person is not good family material.
Maybe you should worry less about the women receiving the ring and more about the idiot buying it.
Personally I would say “no” without a ring because i want to be able to evaluate how responsible the guy is, or if he is wealthy… Love is important too, but you can’t raise a family on love alone."
I’d probably think it was very strange but I’d still say yes and later on ask for a ring, so I can wear something on my finger.
If my request was met with a rant against the jewelry industry and that I shouldn’t be falling for corporate-created traditions, I’d probably start giving second thoughts about saying “yes.” Practically every gift giving occasion is a corporate created tradition, and to pick this one out of all times to start taking a principled stand is to be, well, cheap and selfish. (This is assuming I have been dating a guy who participates in a holiday of which gift giving is a part. If I’d been dating a guy who spurns all gift giving in order to spite the Man, our views are probably different in other areas as to have a long lasting relationship.)
My husband spent $900 on a very impressive looking ring, BTW.
I barely got a proposal, too. After 6 years we decided to buy a house together and marriage was discussed for a few moments in passing one night (no way was I going to buy and move into a house not married to the co-owner). It was like, yeah, whatever, make the arrangements and let me know when and where. But after Mr. Sali wrapped his head around the fact he was going to have a wife, being a traditional sort, he got into it and started taking an interest in carpets, furniture, dishes…and an engagement ring. We went to a hole-in-the-wall shop where the owner in a casual manner set out a few diamonds for us to look at, and we picked out a nice 3/4 carat marquise and a setting. When it was ready a couple weeks later, we went to pick it up on our lunch hour. Mr. Sali brought me a beautiful bouquet, an armful of roses and lillies tied with ribbons - it was almost as long as I am tall. He said, “when your co-workers ask what the occasion is, show 'em that rock on your finger”. LOL! … Well, it was the early 80’s when such things carried more weight than they do now. It was the type of office where every girl who got engaged was expected to parade it around and let us all gasp in awe. And Mr. S made a ton of money and was a traditional sort who had no problem with buying a symbolic piece of jewelry.
Oh, and yes, I still would have gotten married without a diamond ring. I was pretty much set on wearing just a nice gold Claddagh ring they had on display at an Irish gifts n imports store, not necessarily a diamond and the plain gold band.
Now I wear the p.g.b. but I have a lot of other gemstone rings I wear now instead of the honkin’ big marquise engagement ring.
My hubby asked without a ring: I sure wouldn’t have said no. We did go the next day to buy one, but I sure didn’t think it was worth spending a whole lot of money on. My engagement ring cost $10, plus tax. I don’t wear it often because I don’t want to ruin it: the gold wedding band is more than enough.
Snap.
I recently proposed to my girlfriend (now fiancee :)), complete with diamond ring. I could have spent more on the ring than I actually did, but I didn’t because I was pretty sure she wouldn’t have wanted me to—that she would rather I use that money toward a honeymoon or vacation or the expenses of getting married. But it was important to her that I got her the ring.
Buying an expensive ring is a way of demonstrating to a woman that you’re serious. It gives her something tangible and sparkly that she can have and look at and show to all of her friends, family, etc.
And being able to save up enough money to buy the ring is a way of demonstrating that you can afford to marry—that you have earning power and can save and budget—which especially important if you plan on going by the “husband as breadwinner” model of family life.
I find tactics like this pathetic, but I feel worse for the guy than for the girl who’s shallow enough to come back to a relationship because of a shiny gift.
When I was originally proposed to (there were two occasions with this SO), there was no ring and it seemed pretty random/spontaneous-- it was an expression of intention to marry rather than “hey, let’s do it now/in a year”. A couple of years later when we were more ready for an official proclamation of that level of commitment, he’d seen my taste and interest in jewelry as being a bit mercurial, but following at least a few basic principles-- I was presented with a white sapphire in a modern tension setting cast from titanium, and I continue to be pleased with it. Even if he hadn’t gotten me a ring, I would have said yes, but I really like the symbolism tied in with him noticing my need for practicality and style. The best part about it is that it wasn’t super expensive (~$500 or so) but looks impressive in its simplicity to the average person.
If there is an occasion where I am proposed to again, I’m not sure whether I’d accept to a big formal wedding as the beginning of our marriage, but, if the person who proposes to me is worth spending the rest of my life with, a ring wouldn’t matter.
Funny, though. If a man said that he “need[ed] some sort of reassurance that [he] was worth something to [her]”, and wanted “something to sell if [s]he ended up as bad as them” he would be universally reviled by men and (especially) women alike.
Oh, don’t feel bad, I only used that term to make the distinction between what my Grandma had and the sort of stuff that has to be polished.
I know a woman who, when the topic of engagement rings came up, would jokingly say stuff like “I’m not getting married without a huuuuuge rock!” She was absolutely thrilled when her boyfriend proposed with a small ruby. Part of the reason I suspect that engagement rings aren’t really that big in my social circle (and we’re not hippydippy kind of people) is that property here is so expensive. Do you want to spend 10k on a diamond ring or do you want to put it towards a 450k starter house?
If having an engagement ring is a dealbreaker for a woman, and buying an engagement ring is a dealbreaker for a guy, then their values are probably so different that they’ll never end up dating (let alone getting to the proposal stage).
I didn’t want a ring, and didn’t get one. My “engagement ring” is a dual-fuel range. Diamonds are artificially expensive, and the vast majority of them are mined in countries ravaged by war, poverty, and countless human rights violations. The whole market is horribly exploitative. If I ever got a diamond, I’d get a synthetic or a Canadian one, but I don’t think I’d ever want one.
What’s worse, it’s a terrible plan. Diamonds rings have little resale value. If you want something for a cushion in case of divorce, an inexpensive ring + $10,000 US savings bond makes a hell of a lot more sense than a $10,000 diamond ring you can only resell for, at most, a couple thousand.
A jewelry buyer will only pay less than wholesale for the stone (the setting is just worth the scrap value unless it is an antique) otherwise it makes no sense to buy it back at all. You could get a better price at a high-end consignment shop, but it could take months to sell that way – it’s not ready money.
What’s a Canadian diamond? I’m Canadian and I’ve never heard of that. I didn’t get a ring with the proposal. We got matching wedding bands - that works for me.
Years ago a friend of mine proposed to his g.f. with a “dime on ring”. He bent a 10 cent piece over a plain silver band and had the two pieces joined. She loved it.
Some people like diamonds but are uncomfortable with contributing to human rights and environmental abuses generally associated with third world diamond mining. They feel that by buying a diamond mined in Canada, they can have a clear conscience and some bling. Every Canadian-origin diamond that is also cut and polished in Canada is microengraved with a serial number tied to it’s source mine.
http://www.certifiedarcticdiamond.com/Information/Certification.asp
Let’s get this out of the way first: I would have married my husband under any circumstances whatsoever. We fit together like puzzle pieces. I have never known any person as wise and calm and intelligent and compassionate as he is, and I would be crazy to not jump at the chance to be with him.
That said, I am very fond of tradition and ritual, and I am also very, very fond of jewelry. I am a sentimental, romantic sort of person. So if I had not received any ring whatsoever, I would have been quite disappointed. If it were an issue of maintaining financial security, I absolutely would have agreed to forgo such an expenditure, but it wouldn’t make me any less disappointed.
I don’t really like diamonds, though; I prefer colored gemstones. About a year prior to his proposal he asked me for ideas of rings I liked, so I printed out a bunch online that I thought were great. We also agreed upon a price range that was reasonable for our financial situation. He took my ideas to the jewelry stores with one of our closest friends and then on our four year dating anniversary he presented me with the perfect ring – a sapphire solitaire with two small diamond accents. I think it was in the neighborhood of $300-400.
Later we picked out our bands together, and they each cost around $300. I got a sapphire band to match my engagement ring and he had two of the diamonds in his band replaced with sapphires, so we match. After our wedding I had the engagement and wedding bands soldered together, like so.
It cannot be understated enough how much I love my wedding ring. We have been married for nearly four years now and I still get giggly over it. I feel it is a really unique piece of jewelry and it gets compliments on a weekly basis. I don’t give a good god damn what it cost, I care about what it means. That said–do you know how freakin’ awesome it is to have something with so much symbolic value be so personally aesthetically pleasing?
He really likes his too. Sometimes when we’re walking or sitting around, I’ll clench my fist, bump my ring into his matching one, and we’ll announce in unison, ‘‘With our powers combined! Bzzshht!’’
I don’t think the fact that I love jewelry and find my wedding ring absolutely delightful is something to be ashamed of. I don’t think it’s a ‘‘joke’’ either.
I also have to admit, OP, the idea that YOU are spending money on HER is kind of foreign to me, since our finances have always had a major joint component. We do have our own individual accounts for spending on whatever we see fit, but basically any decision we make about a major purchase is made together. This was true of every aspect of our wedding – the question wasn’t, ‘‘How much will Sr. Olives spend on olives?’’ but ‘‘How much are we going to spend?’’
**Sr. Olives **and I are capable of making rational decisions about finances, and neither of us were interested in mortgaging our future for a piece of jewelry. But we were in a situation where we were able to afford something nice but reasonable, and that’s what we did.
For what it’s worth, I find that sentiment equally distasteful whether it’s expressed by a man or a woman.
Agreed. Those jewelry hawkers really push that sentiment, though. According to my husband at one store the sales rep kept trying to push rings out of his price range.
When he said it was too much money, the rep replied, ‘‘Isn’t she worth $X to you?’’
He walked out, and at the next place he frequented, didn’t even bother mentioning he was getting an engagement ring.
I think I came off more shallow than I am (saying I’d need something to “prove” to me and ot have something to sell if things went bad). After two bad experiences, I personally would need more than a handshake the third time. My ex would not make the tiniest sacrifice for me, put me first for ANYTHING. I was stupid and naive by not seeing that before it was too late. I don’t want to be in that situation again. I would need someone different and although it wouldn’t be foolproof, doing something symbolic like a ring would be reassuring to someone like me in my individual circumstances, that this guy wasn’t like the one before.
It’s not necessarily a ring itself, but something that says “I’m not like him.” A ring is just the most traditional answer.
And I know that resale on a ring isn’t much. But I literally walked away from my marriage with $200 (he stole the rest of my money), so having a ring I could get $200 for at a pawnshop would have doubled my net worth.
I’m fresh off the divorce too, so unfortunately, I’m cynical and unromantic now. Before my divorce, I would have been “Oh I don’t need bling!” Maybe I’ll think the same again down the road. For my personal circumstances, I just would want to do everything differently in hopes of a different outcome.
So I totally see what those of you said about it being tacky, but for me, it’s what I would need. But it’s kind of moot anyway because I don’t plan on a third!