That isn’t true. If both people want a ring, both should have them. I know several couples that had a reciprocal exchange of rings, or an analogous, different gift was given by the woman to the man (like a watch or somesuch).
My husband proposed with an inexpensive ring, and I later picked out something to my preference, that cost WAY less than 3 months salary – more like 3 days. But by the time he asked, we had already discussed marriage, and planned to marry, so I had already accepted well before there was any thought of a ring. And diamonds are like a chunk of pure evil to me – I won’t wear one.
Here’s a crazy thought: marry someone who shares your values.
The OP states the issue with much more tact than I have (on these boards and elsewhere) in the past.
I’m a guy, and I absolutely refuse to play the engagement ring game. There’s no way in hell I’m shelling out thousands of dollars for a rock, and all the reasons stated in this thread apply.
However, I’d be happy to pay the equivalent amount for a shared experience or useful possession. A kick ass vacation as a honeymoon would be no problem at all.
Of course, it’s all theoretical. I doubt very much I’ll ever get married. But if I did, this would be a dealbreaker.
As made apparent by a few stories related above, there’s a difference between the question “Would you have told your current husband ‘no’ if he proposed to you and didn’t have a ring?” and the sentiment “I find the whole practice of getting a loved one a very expensive diamond ring so that she might say yes to marrying you is a complete joke.” Getting someone a ring doesn’t mean getting someone an absurdly expensive ring.
My ex-wife wanted a ring (and my last couple of girlfriends had similar sentiments) when the question was popped because of its symbolic meaning. The act of putting on the ring and then planning to never remove it is a pretty symbolic act for some people, a show to the world and a physical reminder to one’s self that you’re heading to a new, hopefully lasting stage in life. The ex’s ring cost perhaps $100; the current girlfriend wants to buy the ring herself (fine by me, since she earns considerably more than me!), so for her it definitely has nothing to do with receiving a costly gift.
Furthermore, no one who knew me would have even thought about offering me a piece of jewelry I hadn’t pre-approved.
As a seller of jewelry, I often saw guys get rings. The deal with the engagement ring is, if it hadn’t been worn, it could be returned. We were very clear about that. And we had some returned.
So even WITH a ring, some women said “no.”
The sad fact is, though, as with Sarabellum, I saw some instances where the girl had broken up with the guy, he was buying the jewelry to get her back, and apparently it worked.
What I’ve always wondered about is those very public offers of engagement–skywriters, etc. You’re gonna say no in those circumstances? But you can always back out later (I know, I backed out three times before getting caught–once a week before the wedding).
Yep. I had no interest in a traditional engagement ring and my ex wanted an engagement ring too, dammit! So we got simple matching silver rings. 8 bucks apiece.
It was really fun to see the looks on ladies’ faces when they did the “oooohhhh! Let me see your riiiiiiiinnnnng!” thing and I showed them my $8 ring!
To the OP: If you think all women want the big rock, then you need to meet some new women.
If a man had chosen a ring for me without consulting me, and showed up with it and a proposal, I’m pretty sure the answer would have been no.
Engaged without a ring, at our marriage we exchanged inexpensive gold bands. He died 15 years later.
Engaged without a ring, my husband had a ring made for our marriage, a plain band with my birthstone (sapphire); I gave him a gold band which he promptly lost while gardening. My ring is hidden somewhere in this house (to keep it safe), but I don’t remember where I put it.
I never did have an engagement ring, and we bought my wedding band off eBay for $45. Even if we’d spent a few hundred bucks on a ring for me, amortized over time it would be less than what he spends on freaking soda. Hell, even if we’d spent a couple grand, he’ll soon approach having spent that on musical instruments in the time we’ve been married.
That’s why I’ve never understood bitching about spending money on an engagement ring because “it’s just for her instead of being something to share.” I mean, it’s not like they’re never going to spend a fair chunk of change on something that’s just for him. It’s just the nature of a give-and-take relationship that you buy some stuff that’s only going to be used by one partner, and that stuff will run into money sooner or later. IME, the totals tend to equal out over time.
My engagement ring is a simple bypass setting with my two fave stones, a blue topaz and amethyst with a couple teeny tiny diamonds on each side. I can’t wear it anymore because the band is worn thin and needs fixed. I think it cost daHubby all of $300, and our wedding bands came to about $200.
I would have said yes if he’d have tied a piece of string around my finger. I never liked the idea of the huge diamond engagement rings that looked like you could kill someone if you hit them with it. I work with a bunch of women who have them and they look kind of gaudy to me.
He said that he’d have given me a herd of horses but it’s kind of hard to put them in your jewlery box…
My engagement ring has a diamond because my boyfriend at the time won it (at a party that I was at, too, so I knew he had won it). If he hadn’t won it and he had asked me to marry him without a ring (which he actually did, since it was a loose stone that we built a ring around), I would have still said yes. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have been more than happy with a much cheaper ring with a gemstone rather than a diamond. I still would have liked a ring, though; rings are pretty.
I did give Jim an engagement present too, though - a very nice limited edition Bateman cougar print (we now have a gorgeous collection of framed limited edition cougar paintings).
Way back in 1963, me and my intended went to a local jeweler and had him put a small blue Linde star sapphire in a white gold solitaire setting. As I recall, it cost about $75. Our white gold bands were pretty inexpensive too.
My wife still wears those rings after 46 years of marriage, although the band became so thin that we had it replaced with an identical new one…keeping the same stone. She has turned down my offers for something more “impressive”…she is a sweet woman, and my best friend.
A ring is just a symbol but so what? So are most things?
This is like saying “Why give presents on Christmas, when the day after Christmas everything goes on sale.” So it’s better to not celebrate Christmas and give presents later. This is so. It makes sense, but you also miss out on the joy of celebrating Christmas that way.
Why buy an HDTV? Does being able to see a football player make the game any better? Does it make the quarterback CATCH the pass instead of dropping it? Is “The Big Bang Theory” any better written if the actors pores can be seen?
Of course not.
But weddings are about emotion not logic. Since when is love logical?
As Naomi from “Mama’s Family” once reflected about Valentine’s Day
I wouldn’t have said no if he’d asked without a ring, but I would still have wanted something eventually, to wear as a symbol. It just means something to me, having something on my hand, representing the commitment.
As it turns out, he asked with his mother’s engagement ring (she’s now wearing an anniversary band and this ring didn’t fit her anymore). All we ended up spending was a few bucks for resizing and fixing the prongs for security, since the diamond was a little loose after 30+ years of wear. It’s fairly small and delicate and if anyone is using it as a measure of his love for me, they’re stupid. It means so much more because of where it comes from. And frankly, I’d have made him return any giant rock he’d bought for me. Not my style and not worth the money.
Different culture, but I don’t know anybody who would have refused on grounds of “no ring.” Actually, I do know a few people who got and gave engagement jewelery back when there were still formal engagement ceremonies, but they had already said “yes” beforehand; none of the people I know who didn’t have engagement ceremonies got or gave engagement presents.
I had two American guys ask for my hand (one spur of the moment after I’d just told him to get lost, apparently he though it would be a good appeasement strategy; one having been agonizing over asking me for a few weeks): I said “hell no” to the first and “sorry no” to the second, but the lack of rings wasn’t the problem in either case. Christ, if #2 had come up with a bought rock, and given the status of his finances at the time, I would have dragged him back to the jeweler’s to return it! (In the rain, and whether it had to be on foot or I first needed to knock him unconscious in order to get the car keys. It was raining cats and dogs…)
For my first marriage, my fiance bought me a traditional little diamond engagement ring. We had already discussed marriage, but the actual proposal and ring were a surprise. I didn’t like the ring AT ALL, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him so. It was small, maybe a 1/4 carat, but that was all he could afford at the time. Later, we picked out wedding rings, plain gold, at Sears; they were inexpensive because we were just starting out.
For my second marriage, I didn’t want an engagement ring because it seemed like a waste of good money. But I did choose a very pretty sapphire-and-diamond band ring for a wedding band. A little snazzier than a plain ring, but not ostentatious. The funny thing was, because it was not “traditional”, I heard a lot of comments like “Oh, that doesn’t LOOK like a wedding ring”.
My husband and I did that - I got him a very nice watch that he still wears as his “for good” watch over a decade later.
We’d been together for years, were living together, and knew we’d get married eventually, but it wasn’t a big priority or anything. We were supposed to go looking for rings, and I wanted something tiny, inexpensive. I’m another person who’s not a fan of diamonds/DeBeers/etc. Then it turns out that his paternal grandmother had willed him her engagement ring, so that was settled. It’s way more than anything I’d ever want for myself, but I can appreciate the craftmanship on the metalwork.
Together we picked out our wedding bands and then got him the watch. My wedding band means more to me. It’s a simple 14k white gold band, a couple ridges on it. I think we paid less for it than we might spend these days on a nice lunch with some beer. That doesn’t matter to me; he matters. I wanted a symbol of marriage on my hand (just because it’s kind of expected, plus it helps make clear that I’m not available - not that this matters to some guys) but didn’t care what it was.
