Martha Stewart, Watch Batteries, Yugos and Canadian Nickels

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I was all set to regale you with the rollicking tale of me winterizing my lawn mower. But I won’t. Something else came up. Something else I must share. It was a dream. Not one of the good dreams either. More of a nightmare. Not the kind of nightmare that scares you to your core and it takes a while to shake off. The kind of nightmare that’s just too creepy and you wonder what your subconscious is up to.

I was in a Super 8 motel waiting for the Big Fishing Trip. Right there, you know it’s some sort of dream. Anyway, I’m adjusting the air conditioner in front of the window that overlooks the Wal-Mart parking lot. When Martha Stewart’s head rises up on the other side of the window. Like Snoopy rising out of the Pumpkin Patch on Halloween Night. Only way more sinister. And then she mesmerizes me! Like Bela Lugosi as Dracula, just with the force of her stare. Only not with all the human warmth and companion Bela put into the Dracula role. Then she spirits me off to the Stewart Lair. I have to distract her to escape so, naturally, (if you’re reading this to your child, say it was “naturally a puppet show” then start reading again at the *) I “pleasure” her. A lot. Luckily my subconscious is protecting me and I get to keep my pants on. Marti doesn’t though. Surprisingly she shaves her “down there parts”, but leaves a little strip of hair cut into an exclamation point. And she’s really bendy. I wouldn’t expect that from Marti. And I think I can call her “Marti” now that we’re close the way we are.

  • When she’s all distracted from my “performance” I whacked her with the canoe paddle she’s keeping for some wacky centerpiece and I get away.

What could all that mean? I think it was an omen saying I’ll finally get the watch battery I was looking for since we changed the clocks. Because the very next day I finally found the watch battery I was looking for since we changed the clocks.

Every six months when we change the clocks, that’s the time we also pull out all our “dead” watches and get new batteries. Usually it’s one or two, but since I’ve skipped the last two clock changes on the getting the batteries thing there were seven watches that needed new batteries. Most of them were mine, but a couple were the Little Woman’s. We have a lot of watches. It’s no big deal. I pop the backs off the watches and see what kind of batteries we need and I make a list and check it twice, then I go to Target and buy the batteries I need. Only this year there was a Problem.

I needed a 376 watch battery. The problem was no one had a 376 watch battery. I went to a couple different Targets and Meijer and some other place and no one had the 376 watch batteries. No one. Finally I called the watch place in the mall. I figured if anyone had a watch battery it would be the watch place in the mall.
ring ring “Hello, this is the watch place in the mall,” they say.
“Hi. I need a 376 watch battery. Do you have one?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes we do,” the nice lady assures me.
“In stock? Right there?” I verify.
“Yes, of course,” the nice lady says.
“OK, I’ll be right over,” I say.

And I went to the mall. And asked for my 376 watch battery. And they gave me a watch battery. A 377! Can you believe it? I ask for a 376 and they give me a 377!
“But I need a 376!” I point out.
“Oh, they don’t make the 376 anymore. Now it’s the 377,” says watch lady.

You know where else I found 377 watch batteries? EVERYWHERE! One tiny bit of information and I could have skipped my whole quest for a 376 watch battery. But then I wouldn’t have seen the Yugos. Two of them. On my way to the mall. I know there were two different Yugos and not one just driving in circles because they were different colors.

The watch lady also gave me a Canadian nickel in my change.
“This is a Canadian nickel” I pointed out pointedly. While Canada is a lovely country with pretty money, a Canadian nickel doesn’t do me much good here not in Canada.
The watch lady takes the Canadian nickel and looks at it. Real hard. “But it’s still worth 5¢,” she says.
“Yeah,” I agree. “IN CANADA!” Which, as I said, id not where I am.
Then she tries to figure out how to open the cash drawer to give me a good American nickel, but she’s so flummoxed it doesn’t seem to be worth it so I take my Canadian nickel and leave the mall.

Somehow this is all Martha Stewart’s fault.

-Rue.

2

Coolest. Dream. Ever.

Sadly, I also dreamed heavily last night, but it did not involve cunnilingus.

I did, however, dream I was in high school again. Only I wasn’t high school aged–I was 29. Nobody noticed, though. At least I think they didn’t notice. They might have talked about it behind my back. They probably would, too, those back talking bastards. I should go find out where everybody lives now and burn their houses down for making fun of how old I was in my high school dream. That’d teach them.

Anyway, I couldn’t remember my schedule or where my locker was so I had to randomly wander into classes until something looked familiar (like the teacher said, “Hey, slortar, why the hell are you late?”).

Then I went on a space station and learned psychic powers from the monster in the Aliens movies. After that I went back to high school and tried out for the cheerleading team. I was going to be the only boy on the squad who had cool psychic powers.

I think I’d rather have had sex with Martha Stewart. Wowza. She can knit some mean doilies, I tell ya.

3

Okay, Rue

You really have to lay off of the double pepperoni pizza just before bedtime.

I have you best interests at heart, really I do.

4

Of yeah, that store also owes you about 2.1 cents.

I’d write a letter.

5

I will write a letter Ex. A soon as my hand-pressed paper dries. (Made with flower petals I collected myself!) The I have to make some ink out of gooseberries. And carve a pen out of soap.

I don’t know where these urges come from.

Sorry to disappoint slort, but no cunnilingus. Like my car, it was manual. I think that was for the best.
-Rue. (bendy Marti…)

6

I am truly frightened for you now Rue!

I mean… Martha Stewart? I’d have to boil my hands and bleach my eyes after fleeing the Stewart Lair!

Ugh.

7

I used to own and drive a Yugo in college. It was white, and had… character, yeah, that’s it. Character.

8

One of my friends had a Yugo. It was cool. I loved the climate control panel. It went something like this: headlights on/off, brights on/off, fan on/off, heat on/off. Talk about taking “no frills” to a new level.

9

The Yugo I saw was pretty swank. It had the rear defrost AND a wiper back there. (I’m assuming the front also had at least one wiper blade, but I was behind it at the light, so i didn’t see the front. The other Yugo had front wipers.) And the flames painted on the sides, can’t forget the flames. OK, there were no flames painted on the Yugo. But it would have been cool if there were.

10

My Yugo had rear defrost/wiper;however, the inside door handles didn’t work. I had to roll down the windows to open the door.

Wish my Yugo had a cool paint job.

11

Pathetically, those old Ugos are more well-equipped than my Chevy.

I’d ask for pity, but I think Rue needs all the collective pity of the boards at this point.

12

[Martha Stewart]

*Hi.

Today on Martha Stewart’s Living we’re going to make pubic topiaries, and to show us how is our inventive guest, Rue DeDay!

Rue, the MacGuyver of crotch sniping will show us how to make an exclamation mark by following the outlines of this watch battery and the handle of this paddle. We’ll end the day with a collection of before and after shots.

Then we’ll cook a snapper.

Rue, I’m all yours…*

[/Martha Stewart]

13

Yup lieu, my Swiss Army Knife is razor sharp. So who’s first? (Not you lieu.)

14

Okay, Monday Morning Pity Points:

Simple Dreamer 3 pity pts for having owned a Yugo

slortar 1 pity pt for having a friend who owned a Yugo

Gorgon Heap 4 pity points for having a Chevy that makes a Yugo look well-equipped

Ex 5 pity points, just because

tanookie 3 pity points for having that image in her brain

lieu does not get any pity points because he enjoys this type of stuff too much

Rue 10 pity points for having had the dream, minus 3 points because he seemed to enjoy it a little too much.

This means, however, the Rue is in the lead for the “poor, poor pitiful me” chorus. But the day is young, and I’m sure we all have burdens to bear. I, for instance, had to calculate all these pity points, so 2 pity points for me!

Stay tuned for updates on this exciting pity party!

15

No way, I had to read your post, so I should get another pity point.

16

And I’m getting all sorts of odd looks from my cow-orkers because of this laughing fit at your post, Kallessa.

It would seem the calculation of necessary pity for Dopers is a neverending task. As such, I suppose Kallessa will earn one point per day for the rest of eternity, since he/she’s the only one willing to bear the burden.

[sub]Ya poor sap.[/sub]

17

Well, I’m just getting around to the MMP. as I’m in Baltimore and all today. And I can honestly say that I’m glad I’m waited, since my entire day might have been ruined otherwise. I must also say that I may have to rethink this whole Special Friend status if Ms. Stewart rates so highly in your dreams… :eek:

I need a bunch of pity points because I have to drive south on I-95 dragging a trailer. It’s gonna be a long, long day and I hate to drive. Yep, between my disillusionment and the drive, I deserve a metric buttload of pity points!

18

Metric buttloads of pity (for driving purposes) are converted by a factor of .9144, therefore, FairyChatMom has 5.4864 pity points.

Frankly, she lost a few points for demanding the pity points. Properly, pity points are awarded, not earned. One may receive pity points out of the blue, as it were, not even realizing that they deserved such a gifting. If we had been keeping track of whining points, however, FCM would have scored big time! An impressive and well-merited whine, with just a touch of bitterness . . .no . . . um, let me see . . . oh yes, put-upon pride. Magnificant combination!

19

I held a two hour long policies and procedures meeting this morning, so my staff deserves some major pity points for that. :smiley:
By God, they know policy now though! Well, probably not. I think they were all wearing those fake eye thingies that make ya look all awake while they were really sleeping. So, people slept all through my meeting. Does that get me any pity points?

Rue. I. Just. Don’t. Know. What. To. Say. About. That. Dream. Cept. It. Makes. Me. Type. In. Pauses.

BTW, just so everyone will know and be prepared to properly miss me, I am leaving tomorrow morning for St. Paul, MN. I’m coming back, so it’s not for good or anything. Just the rest of the week. For work. I’ll be home Saturday afternoon. I just won’t be posting any cause I’ll be really really really busy working. Y’all have fun!

20

Q: Why do Yugos come equipped with rear window defrosters?

A: To keep your hands warm as you push the car to the nearest mechanic.