Today I have unveiled the most sinister of all conspiracies. Orchestrated by The Master Of All Evil, The Father Of Lies, the one known as Iblis, Lucifer and Shaitan: I am speaking, of course, of Satan himself.
Yes, I say! We, humanity, have allowed a foul, evil creature to grow and prosper. This obscenity is as perverse and cruel as it’s terrible master and a bane upon life itself. It’s only focus is to kill. KILL KILL KILL! Not only to feed but also for its sole amusement. And it is a slow murder, it will torture it’s victim at length before it butchers it.
I am speaking, of course, of kittens.
If you are shocked by this revelation, it is only because you are solidly ensnared in the trap the Devil has elaborated for all of humanity: You think they’re cute!
But why? WHY? Think about it you innocent fools! Yes, they are soft. Yes they have pretty eyes and compelling meows. Squirrels share many of those characteristics and we like them much less. Of course, you’re going to say that cats ACT cuter than squirrels. They purr, and they lick your hand and they rub you and cuddle against you.
Sure, ok. All true. But how are those indicators of personality? My cat also rubs against tables. So…I am as loved as a…table? The licking is purely tit-for-tat. You lick me (pet me), I lick you. sheep also collaborate, we eat them. The cuddling is sharing of warmth and a cat is just as likely to “cuddle” with a router. So far, I’m as loved as a table or a router. Great!
And, guess how many times I’ve gotten scratched? THOUSANDS! And I have felt THOUSANDS of pangs of pain. If you put all that pain together, It will be more pain than I’ve ever felt by being kicked in the balls. And I got kicked in the balls SEVERAL TIMES! And all this pain, I get for trying to play with my kitten to make her happy. But does she retract her claws? No sir! She’ll draw blood. I’ve lost pints of blood over the years. So yeah, you can go ahead and add ungratefulness to wanton murder and gratuitous torture.
Gentlemen: The fact is kittens are horrible creatures and we have no business raising them. We are “aiding and abetting” evil and we will pay a price for that. The truth is we are only doing it because it pleases is us to do so. Because WE are not threatened by kittens. Though I promise you that kittens cause more human deaths a year than sharks. How is that for ugky naked truth?
And yet here we are. After this lengthy tirade of mine. I have proved beyond reasonable doubt that kittens are evil. Yet I still cannot break the spell Satan has put over me. All I feel for kittens is love and all I want to do is pet them and cuddle with them. This is the greatest tragedy of all. This compelling warning, clear as the white flame of purity is bound to be read, aknowledged and then ignored.
WOE US! WOE US FOR WE ARE DAMNED!
Thank you.
