Some people say that excess masturbation (and I’m not sure how much qualifies) leads to hair loss as it causes the body to either produce more testosterone, or according to others, to use up zinc and other stuff that’s needed to regulate the hormones.
What’s the straight dope on this? True, disputed, or an old wife’s tale like hairy palms?
Can I do it until I need a comb-over?
In this column, Cecil says that all those terrible maladies caused by dancing with yourself are bunk. However, baldness is not included in this list. I suppose you can argue that baldness isn’t a great health ill though…I think you’ll be fine, however.
Old wife’s tale. Generally, masturbation keeps testosterone levels low anyway, so even if there is a connection between high testosterone and baldness, then you’re sooner likely to keep your hair thanks to masturbation than lose it.
Well, here is the problem with casual observation: Maybe high testosterone levels lead to increased sex drive/increased masturbation. Maybe frequent masturbation is not a cause…maybe it is **a sign ** of high testosterone levels(which might lead to more rapid baldness).
Cite? All the medical literature I’ve seen states it has no effect on testosterone levels.
Good thing you posted! Not that I was worried or anything. Not for a minute! No siree, Bob!
I have a full head of hair.
All the rest of you folks can therefore stand down and relax.
… in which case we would see that the body’s natural buffer system is working. What’s the worry? 
If this were true, I’d be completely bald at this point.
This is a textbook example of how a superstition starts. You take a thing like baldness or the start of heavy beard growth, that’s hardwired into your genetic makeup before you are born, and try to guess what you might have done to bring it on. You come to cause-effect links that sound plausible but are unprovable. Such as:
Shaving causes heavy beard growth.
Baldness is caused by masturbation.
Baldness is caused by shampoo.
Baldness is caused by wearing hats.
Nearsightedness is caused by masturbation.
Nearsightedness is caused by sitting too close to the television.
Nearsightedness is caused by masturbation while sitting too close to the television.
This won’t answer the OP, bu it’s kinda related. About ten years ago, there was a TV documentary about baldness, narrated by Alan Rachins (the bald guy from LA Law). It was more entertaining than scientific. They discussed one subject, an inmate at a mental institution circa WWII who had, as was common then, been castrated as part of his treatment at a young (20s-ish?) age. The guy had a full leonine head of long, beautiful hair. His twin brother, sane and testes intacto, was bald. At some point, the bastards who ran the mental hospital injected the patient with testosterone and his hair fell out. “Sorry about your hair and balls, buddy. But look on the bright side: Thanks to your sacrifice, we know what causes baldness!”
We also know that taking steroids (mimics male testosterone) can cause or speed up male pattern baldness. Ironically, taking steroids can also cause “bitch tits”, a condition in which men start to grow breasts.
Women who take steroids develop male pattern baldness as well.
… while watching scrambled porn with the sound turned waaaay down so you won’t wake your parents up.
I think I see a nipple! :eek:
Oh dear God…finally the reason I’m both nearsighted AND bald comes to light…and I’m too late to do anything about it! Well, OK, guess that’s cool.
That’s right, blame masturbation! You should be blaming rollercoasters!!
How does your body know the difference between masterbation and hot monkey sex? If someone had hot monkey sex as often as I masterbate, would they be less bald than me?
And yes, I know I spelled masturbation wrong. I just can’t explain why. Must be my eyesight.
That or your hairy palms are messing up the keyboard 
While wearing a hat.