May I find in Dopers an explanation to my feelings? (long post)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Ok, here’s the story. I’m divorced and my son stayed with me. My ex-wife developed a certain loose bevahior with men. She married again but her behavior remains the same. This is only the background.

Now, three years later, I lived a “fantasy” (but then I didn’t know it when I was living it). A woman (let’s call her “G”) who I know since childhood (Im 39 and she 32) was living in Japan with her second husband (from this country, he was only sent there because of his work). Her family was well known in my town and marked a decent one. We both always had attraction for each other, but never happened anything before that. Eight months ago we met her by email and started chatting by messenger. She told me she wasn’t happy in her marriage and that she had been always in love with me since she was a little girl. I was happy then because I like her too, and we started a “torrid romance”, chatting daily. It would have been a real sin if she wasn’t taken the decision of returning home, divorce her second husband and starting a life with me. She said I was her top of man and she didn’t think it twice. One month later, she announced her husband she were returning to our town.

“G” came back, leaving everything behind (house, a potential family -no kids-). The day she arrived, we started a formal relationship and her family wasn’t agree but she accepted it anyway.

Time passed and “G” started to show signs of instability. Lack of self-confidence in the relationship, and a very suspecting behavior concerning “her privacy”. She liked to have many friends by email (most of them men), but she accused me strongly with my women friends. I swear I wasn’t doing anything bad (otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this), just friends. But she started with great jealous and I couldn’t say anything about her. I thought I was in love with her, but I began to untrust her.

Then I had some debts to pay and she oferred to me that a friend (married with children, living in a near city) will lend her the money I need (not a big amount enough to have a legal problem) and he did it. At the beginning, I deny it but I needed it and accepted it. It passed some more time and we couldn’t reunite all the money and she started to offend me that I was a “loser”, and a lot of insults. Our relationship started to break down and suddenly was over. In the last days, she only talked to me to remind me how “bad”, “unfaithful” and “dangerous” I was and she was an “angel” instead. Everything she did, she did it “for love”, she was “pretty decent”, and refused all kind of “undecent stuff”. She even called my former wife a “slut” and a lot of things more. She decided to finish the relationship going away to a well known city from Mexico: Cancun, invited by a woman friend of her.

I clearly see that she wasn’t honest with me. She bored with a stable relationship again. What I did wasn’t very bad. In fact, I’m paying her the money, but she used it as an excuse to make me feel bad. Some days before her new departure, her friend, who lend the money to her, came to say her goodbye, and some people saw her with him. They kissed and maybe another thing. I was devastated, not because of my love for her, but because of all things she accused me.

Now talking with other friends, they have told me that she divorced of her first husband because of her infidelity (thanks, you should have told me before), when she claims to be a victim of him. And they know another bad things about her (with other men). With her second husband, she didn’t like him, and she claimed (that was she told me) that she married him because she thought that an “ugly” guy will be faithful, and he wasn’t. And then she started the adventure with me, because she thought it will be the “real love”.

The point is I know her since many years ago, and I never suspected she was that way. None of her closest friends, in fact. Even her family protects her and think she is a “victim of circumstances”. She blames everyone for her previous actions, and I have become a new “bad guy” in her life. She has two older sisters happily married. But she has two marriage failures now and I clearly see she doesn’t want to be happy with one guy.

Why she does something that she can’t aprove? (dating with a married friend), and now that I know it and she knows that I know it, I can’t confront her, at least, to make her accept what she really is. I wouldn’t call her a “slut”, but I bet she has a justification for every “undecent thing” she does. Is she some kind of mentally ill? Is she secretly conscious of what she does but disguise it with puritanism and hypocrisy? Or does she like to have every men she likes and tries to feel good telling lies to hersef?

Am I alone in this situation? Why, if I’m sure I don’t love her anymore (I can’t love anyone with that conduct), still I have this heartache?

Please, don’t blame me, I’m only sharing my situation with you, help me to identify what I feel. Maybe that will me feel better. You can ask questions if you want some additional info. There’s no problem, since no one of my friends enter this boards.

2

Wow, I’m sorry you had to go through all that. I know a couple people who have been in similar situations. From what you say this woman seems very selfish and there’s no excuse for how she treated you. I don’t think you’re at fault at all in this situation.
All I can say is that you shouldn’t feel guilty over this and you have my sympathies.

3

Well, I thank you very much for your sympathies (and I mean it), but I would like to hear some practical recommendations for clarify my inner feelings. I have to say that I feel pretty rational and I don’t like to “suffer for love”. I’m not crying in my bed. I am disturbed because the reasons a woman like her has to throw away the prospect of a stable life with a man she always has a crush on (she was referring to me, of course).

But if you know her, you wouldn’t give a cent for her (about her behaviour). She doesn’t look a “sexy lady”, or a “man eater”. She has a very decent and good look, though she’s very nice and lovely in her treat. She is not a total beauty, but she is attractive: not a sexy body, but she’s thin and have a little charm. Maybe that’s what scares me the most.

4

Well I seem to have misunderstood what you were asking before. I think mostly you’re confused at how well she hides her true self as I would be. Some people are very casually cruel and have no idea about how the can affect others. I can’t imagine how painful it most be to lose an old friend this way. She seems very good at putting up a ‘nice’ front until you get to know her well. There are many people like that. You could call her narcissistic. From what little I know I’m guessing she truly can’t comprehend how her behavior hurts others. It’s hard to say why she acts this way. It’s good to know that her other friends have seen this as well. This type of situation happens all the time. There are many others who can sympathize with you.
Sorry if this runs too long. I hope it helps.

5

Of course it helps. I’ve been trying to explain myself that what I need (a little dramatic, maybe will never happen), is that I can confront her to make her accept that she is not what she says. But she is away, she doesn’t want to answer me. She threw the last stone and flew away. What a convenient act.

Some lady Doper here? I’ll be curious for your opinion. (Maladopteryx, you may keep on replying, if you want)

6

My friend had a psycho boyfriend. When he left she was devastated. When I asked her why (she was very unhappy in the relationship so I didn’t understand why she would be upset) her reply “If I couldn’t make a psycho happy what chance do I have with a normal guy?”

I don’t think that that covers your own feelings but I’m sure you’re depressed and upset that a relationship you had such hopes for went downhill. And on some level I’m sure you blame yourself for not being able to fix her. It’s always a sad feeling when a relationship end Esp if that relationship was with a childhood friend you were sure you loved at one time.

Never expect rational behavior from an irrational person.

7

That’s very true. I can’t believe in a “bad karma”, so I don’t think I have bad luck or something, but when “G” talked about my former wife, she tried to accused me what a fool I was. She constantly told me why did I marry her knowing what kind of woman she was. “I know what you thought” she said “you believe she was a crazy who was going to reform”. It’s curious that now it was the same thing I think about her.

Call me obssesed, but I feel an urgency to break the barrier and hear what she thinks now, but I suppose she won’t give me any chance. And if she gives it, she won’t recognize anything, even with proves in my hand. I suspect she will blame me for tearing down the relationship: I didn’t have a stable job (now I have it), and she will only remember my “explosions” when she was jealous but blocking hers. She did react very agressive when I slightly accused of behaving suspiciously, but she used to believe that she had the right to think I was unfaithful, only because she was an “honorable person”. I mean, I was “insulting” her if I even suspect the slightest thing.

You see why I am so upset? Believe it or not, I don’t want to start again with her. I know what to expect from a girl like her. Then… why my urgency to “clean my name”?

8

Yes, I can give you an explanation to your feelings. You’re hurt. You’re in pain. You were used. You were (if I may be so bold as to say) abused. But, you are entitled to your feelings! In your OP, it sounds as though she completely deceived you. For quite awhile. A long term relationship, no in this case almost a MARRIAGE, and the feelings and reactions to anothers actions, especially after it’s over, are confusing (been there), hurtful (done that), and out and out baffling (have the T-Shirt). But you’re entitled to them, and justified in them. So feel them, then get them out of the way. Then move on.

What causes other people to behave the way they do is not something we can explain, nor is it something (no matter how much those people would have us, in some cases) blame ourselves for, nor is it something that we can are responsible for.

The urgency to clear your name? I understand it - been there with my ex’s who all cheated - but it took me the husband I have NOW to make me realize that it WASN’T ME - IT WAS THEM. **I have nothing to clear.

Nor, darlin, do you.**

Feel better Grousser, and while feelin’ better isn’t going to happen soon, it will take time, and you can move beyond this and find someone who will take care of you, who will be your partner, not a parasite. Someone who will be honest with you, and who will be your equal. Again, you partner. Without the lies, without deceit, and with YOU, and you as a COUPLE, in mind.

I found it, so can you. :slight_smile:

9

Well, thank you Missy2U. I like to hear that. Since I had the bad habit of thinking something is wrong with me… Mmmm, no one will feel the hole, isn’t it? But she always comes around, with another face, another body, another voice, but she always comes. And hearing those words of kindness makes me trust in me again.

Although you perceive some depresion, I’m always heading up for the future. I only ask myself if one of those honest women who don’t cheat, don’t lie and don’t deceive can put her eyes in me someday.