[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
If the guy is going to sexually assault me, he wouldn’t ask anyway, now would he? :dubious:
I’m not saying I want to be thrown against a wall every time I’m kissed. All I’m saying is, in such a situation where a kiss is hanging in the air, being asked if I want it to happen is going to turn me off. When in doubt, don’t. Or try a light peck on the lips first, to see how it’s received.
I can see that some people might prefer to be asked, though. Different strokes for different folks.
[/QUOTE]
Did you know this guy that yanked you around for the “Up against the wall kiss” or was it a complete stanger?
Asking takes the spontaneity out of the act. Depending on how the question is delivered, of course, it often smacks of premediation and skittishness. It is also a sign that the asker can’t pick up on nonverbal forms of communication, and that’s a quality I greatly prize. A kiss, for me, is best when it just happens naturally, without any obvious cognition behind it.
This thread revisits a thing I’ve noticed many times on these boards, regarding a cultural difference between Australia (and I think many other Commonwealth countries) and the US with regards to courtship, dating, etc.
I’m a 36 year-old Australian who has been in several long-term relationships (including a marriage), more short-term ones still, and yet as far as I can remember, I have never been on a date. We tend to fall into relationships. It might be “we were at the company Christmas party and one thing led to another” or it might be “we’ve been friends for ten years, and finally a romance developed”, whereas in the US it seems to be “I see - I like - I summon up courage to ask for phone number - I go on date - I use terms like “first base” and “second base”, and I know exactly where I’m at in a pre-ordained series of steps.”
I’m not dissing the American style here, but it’s quite alien to me. I could never image asking for a kiss. It’s something that happens (or doesn’t).
And yes, I’m talking averages here - I’m sure there are Australians who do the formal dating thing, and Americans who don’t.
[QUOTE=SHAKES]
Did you know this guy that yanked you around for the “Up against the wall kiss” or was it a complete stanger?
[/QUOTE]
I knew him - he was a good friend. (Is? Was? It’s complicated.) I don’t think I would’ve appreciated it if it had been a stranger.
I used a rather extreme example - it only worked because it was a very specific situation. Still, I stand by what I said before - for me, if you have to ask, the answer is likely to be no (although it might depend on the context).
I’ve only kissed a girl once where her body language was not already in full-on “kiss mode” (i.e. already making the motions,) and even though she accepted it I feel pretentious as hell for doing it. Although, it did “work” if you know what I mean – maybe I should try it more often
[QUOTE=tomndebb]
I’m surprised that no one has raised the issue, yet, but on a number of college campuses in the U.S., they have instituted policies in which asking is a requirement for every stage of physical interpersonal contact. (This is supposed to cut down on the amount of date rape that goes on. I suspect that the intentions may be good, (although among some individuals they simply seem misandrist), but I am not sure how it is working out in the real world.
[/QUOTE]
I can’t imagine instituted policies of a university in any way affecting how I approached a girl while in college. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob now? Can I take off your shirt? Can I take off your bra?
Sounds like a case of CYA that has no possibility of being implemented in reality.
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger]
I can’t imagine instituted policies of a university in any way affecting how I approached a girl while in college. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob now? Can I take off your shirt? Can I take off your bra?
Sounds like a case of CYA that has no possibility of being implemented in reality.
[/QUOTE]
And you’ll have a lot less protection in a case of he said-she said.
[QUOTE=araminty]
In regaling a friend with the account of my latest sexcapade (hee! I had a sexcapade!) she interrupted me, just as things were getting interesting, to ask if he’d asked. To kiss me, I mean. (He hadn’t.)
We agreed, nothing was weedier than asking permission to kiss someone. Also, what’s the best response? My friend declared the best answer was no answer, just a look. What do you think?
[/QUOTE]
I once dated a guy in the military. He [once we had reached the stage where something was going to happen or not] was very careful to ask me if he could kiss me, and any time he wanted to progress further touchwise he would ask if it was ok. I thought it was pretty prudent of him, given the amount of times you hear of date rape and the military had started its aggressive sexual harrassment lectures and punishments. He was just making sure that everything we did was ok instead of rushing in.
[QUOTE=Pygmy Rugger]
I can’t imagine instituted policies of a university in any way affecting how I approached a girl while in college. Can I kiss you? Can I touch your boob now? Can I take off your shirt? Can I take off your bra?
Sounds like a case of CYA that has no possibility of being implemented in reality.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t know if it’s an instituted policy, but our university does have flyers all over the place that stress the importance of “checking in” with your partner during the act. I agree that it’s important to make sure both of you are having fun, but I don’t see how it’s supposed to prevent date rape.
[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
I don’t see how it’s supposed to prevent date rape.
[/QUOTE]
I think the idea of asking gives the other person a clear chance and time to say “no” or draw the line for what they are uncomfortable with, instead of feeling like they can’t stop it.
[QUOTE=you with the face]
Asking takes the spontaneity out of the act. Depending on how the question is delivered, of course, it often smacks of premediation and skittishness. It is also a sign that the asker can’t pick up on nonverbal forms of communication, and that’s a quality I greatly prize. A kiss, for me, is best when it just happens naturally, without any obvious cognition behind it.
[/QUOTE]
So your workplace admirer should just throw caution to the wind and “go for it?”
In the romantic arena women would like men to be good readers of body language and nonverbal signals, but in other arenas we’re not given much credit for that
This type of thing is code for that all-powerful “confidence”. If you ask in a manner that is wishy-washy, it will be perceived as weak. If you ask playfully, it will be perceived as fun. If you ask forcefully, it will be perceived as confident.
Generally I think if you ask in a “I’m just letting you know what’s going to happen here” manner, instead of a “Does the lady mind if I touch her” manner you’ll be OK.
But then again, I’m a guy. I think the rule is “if she lets you kiss her, you did it right”.
