One problem I have with certain segments of the #MeToo movement is the idea that you need explicit verbal consent to initiate physical contact. I’m a man who honestly wouldn’t mind doing that. In fact, I’d be okay with signing a written notarized document if that’s what it took to get laid.
My concern is that actually attempting to implement this ideal in the real world will lead to a lot of unnecessary rejections. I’ve heard anecdotally from women that they like a man who “just goes for it.” I worry that women who would otherwise find me attractive would be turned off by the timidity of verbally requesting a kiss, preferring to date a more assertive man.
I’d like to hear feedback from women on this issue.
The only men who have tried to kiss me and not been kicked in the testicles have always politely asked permission. There is nothing that turns me off faster than a man who thinks he has a right to touch my body without permission.
This is the dilemma that many men face. If we do ask for explicit verbal consent, the mere act of asking could cause us to be rejected as a romantic partner. If we don’t ask, we might get kicked in the balls.
Involuntary celibacy, or the risk of getting kicked in the balls. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
You only get kicked in the balls if you read the situation wrong.
But yes - asking makes you look weak, and kissing her when she doesn’t want to be kissed makes you a jerk. There is no solution, other than learning how to read the situation. It does no good to complain about it. It’s just how it is.
Regards,
Shodan, who has only kissed one person romantically in the past thirty-six years, and that was without any signed forms
I’ve never had this issue with women. Not once, not ever. No male friend I know has had this problem either. If a woman wants you to kiss her, you’ll know. If you’re not sure, wait until you are sure. If it never happens, it’s because she doesn’t want you touching/kissing her. If this has to be explained to an adult man, perhaps the problem isn’t with the woman’s inscrutability; perhaps the problem is you.
I’m sure some group, somewhere, has taken this position, but a cite, perhaps?
It doesn’t seem to me, from the male POV, that this dance is very complicated. If there seem to be some mutual sparks, you kiss her at an opportune moment. If she kisses back like she’s been waiting for you to kiss her, you keep going as long as she’s enthusiastically returning your passion. If her response is tepid, or if she tries to dodge your kiss altogether, you back off and apologize.
All you have to do is pay attention to her, and not blow through obvious signals that she is less than happy with where or how far you’re taking things.
It’s not complicated to know when to kiss someone, you just have to know when to kiss them! “The opportune moment” and “it’s obvious” are highly subjective.
You view occasional unwanted kisses as no big deal. I’m curious if that view is widely shared. I imagine it’s more widely shared among men than women.
No, it doesn’t turn me off. It’s certainly better than a guy I don’t want to kiss just going for it. Once we’ve gotten to the point where kissing is established, however, I’d rather not have to continue being asked. That would get old very quick.
Exceptions to every rule but my bet is she’s been asked wrong. If you wait until you know she absolutely does, asking can be a nice tease or playful segway.
Look, if you people need kissing lessons, I’m going to open a booth and start charging.
Eh, I’m married and not particularly worried about how random women feel about kissing. Just saying that the first answer (and really, the second) suggest that your opinion isn’t universal. Which isn’t really surprising that there’s a range of opinions about how women prefer this stuff happens.
There is “asking” that is non-verbal and that is reality more often. Eye contact, a slight lean in with slight head tilt and a pause. The non-verbal response is the answer. Looking away or turning away is a no and leaning towards you back is a yes. Lack of interest thus expressed is pretty obvious and easy to read (and, as I recall, painful).
So of course always “ask” … and if you are not sure the question was understood or not sure you understand the answer, then ask again verbally, or just take that lack of clarity as your answer: “no”.