Mayday

[tdn]

Did anyone else see this gem of a made-for-TV Disaster last night? (10/2)

All Summer, my girlfriend and I have been in search of bad Sunday night movies. They’re usually on CBS, and they’re just as well done as Lifetime Original Movies, except instead of abusive husbands the villains are Killer Nuclear Mosquitos with freakin’ Tornado Beams on Their Heads.

I’ve posted before about Shark Attack and Locusts. And we all remember 10.5, in which all of California fell into the ocean, and all the refugees in Arizona gasped at the beauty of the newly formed beach. Truly a mustardpiece.

So last night was Mayday. The plot: Some newfangled commercial jet was taking passengers from LA to Tokyo, or something like that (who cares?). The plane was full of the requisite people with relationship problems, who promised to patch things up or get a divorce or whatever once they landed safely. One guy was a middle aged man who was estranged from his son. Coincidentally, he was a rusty former weekend small-plane pilot who was grizzled and cynical. This is such a new and unique plot device that Shirley no one would ever spoof it.

I’m not going to go into all of the bad stuff, but if any pilots saw this they can comment on things like what yaw really is and whether commercial jets would have afterburners. So I’ll concentrate on two main plot points.

First of all, The Military was testing a new air-to-air missile. The zone they were testing is was for military use only (in open ocean?), but was adjacent to commercial airspace. Of course, the missle was programmed to ignore all commercial craft. Yes, folks, that’s trouble a-brewin’ right there. The results were predictable. A hole got blown throught fuselage, a number of passengers got sucked out, and both pilots were dead. So far so boring.

Now folks, if movies have taught us anything, it’s that The Military always has one high-ranking guy who always wants to bomb someone “For the sake of the greater good.” This is Col. Triggerhappy. This movie was no exception. Col. T was giving orders to fighter pilots to shoot the “derelict ship” out of the skies, despite protestations of the fighter pilots. Col. T’s plans were thwarted. Temporarily.

Naturally, Mr. Weekendpilot was the only person who could land the plane. With the help of some Very Cute Stewardesses, he took control of the cockpit. His plan was to land in San Francisco, with the help of the control tower. Unfortunately, the radio was dead, and cell phones were out of range. Good thing one of the cute stewardesses told him about the kewl new text messaging capabilities of the cockpit. Now they could send messages like “RU pttng flps dwn?” and “UR hot.” Hey, now you can land a plane and check your e-mail at the same time. “You’ve got no fuel!”

This brings us to the second plot point. For some reason, an insurance agent from the airline was in the control tower. Her take on the situation? If the plane went down in open water, they could blame it on pilot error. No radio transmissions means no paper trail, right? But if the plane landed in SF and crashed, thousands of people could be injured, and some might need hospital care for years, and that might spell disaster for the firm’s actuarial tables. No, better to bring the plane down now.

So here was the conspiracy between the control tower, The Evil Military, and Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe, all trying to bring the plane down. Mostly they used text messages like “Try cutting power to the engines. That might help.” And the moronic weekend pilot tried it!

Soon the weekend pilot and the busty stewardesses realized the nature of the conspiracy. One said “If we land, we’ll never be able to prove it!” “Oh yeah?”, said the other. She then pressed the Print button on the console and out popped a printout of the text messages. Yeah, there’s proof right there!

So anyway the good guys landed the plane, which skidded across the runway in a sea of sparks. It avoided landing in the Bay by a margin of – well, guess how far? Please submit your answer in centimeters.

As soon as they were safe, the pilot was immediately called by his son who reconciled, he got big hugs from the stewardesses, and all was right with the world.

I give it a 10.5.

[Elendil_s_Heir]

Damn, sorry I missed it! But I was polishing the cat.

[Trunk]

You let me down when you failed to review “Rosie Rides the Bus”.

Still, I look forward to your recaps and November seems to be a prime month for this glurge.

Keep up the good work, because I sure as hell ain’t watching this crap.

[Cheesesteak]

The wife made me watch it.

I did like the scenes of some random guy on the plane, sitting at a conference table, with oxygen masks dangling down. Every time there was turbulence, it cuts to him, arms flailing about, knocking the masks around. Almost like the lady in Airplane trying to put on her makeup.

Other than that… the wife made me watch it.

[tdn]

@Cheesesteak

I did like the scenes of some random guy on the plane, sitting at a conference table, with oxygen masks dangling down.

Everyone had oxygen masks. How come half were unconscious, and the other half were fine?

I loved this bit:

“What’s our altitude?”

“Eight thousand feet. Six thousand feet. Two thousand feet! Seven feet! Two feet!”

“OK, let me fire the afterburners.” Plane shoots up like a rocket.

“Seven thousand five hundred feet. Seven thousand five hundred eighty feet. Eight thousand feet. You did it!”

[tdn]

@Trunk

Still, I look forward to your recaps and November seems to be a prime month for this glurge.

Glad to do it. It’s like our own personal MST3K. Last night I was heard to shout “Do you even know what yaw is, you freakin’ morons?”

[Papermache_Prince]

Mayday was in third place in last night’s ratings, which is somewhat encouraging.“Desperate Housewives,” 16.4/24, dominated the 9 p.m. hour and scored the night’s biggest rating for ABC. NBC moved up to second with “Law & Order: Criminal Intent,” 7.9/12. The CBS movie “Mayday” was third at 7.0/10. FOX slipped one spot to fourth with “Family Guy,” 5.0/7, and “American Dad,” 4.4/6. An hour of “Blue Collar TV” closed The WB’s evening.

[KlondikeGeoff]

Agreed, it was pretty idiotic. The book was rather silly too, but it did explain in greater detail much of what was left out of the film. It made more sense and some of the technical things justified what happened. It was a long book and the entire plot couldn’t possibly be shoehorned into a 2-hour (well, 1.5 hrs w/commercials) time slot.

Tom Clancy’s novels are also preposterous, but the damed things are page turners. Mayday was not up to that standard, but was a fun read. Not so the movie.

At the end of the book, as I recall, the weekend pilot and flight attendant (who was a real doll in the flic), got together. She asked what he was doing, and he said he was enrolled in airline pilot training school.

[tdn]

@KlondikeGeoff

At the end of the book, as I recall, the weekend pilot and flight attendant (who was a real doll in the flic), got together. She asked what he was doing, and he said he was enrolled in airline pilot training school.

Oh Boy!
Oh Goody!
Oh Brother!

One part I thought was brilliant: The blonde sterwardess came up with the idea to print out the text message log, as evidence. When they were all safe and on the ground, the pilot approached her and said “We’re all safe now. Plus, I have this!” And he pulled out the printout.

“What’s that?”, she asked.

“It’s a printout of the text messages!” he said, as if it were a brilliant revelation.

“Really?”, she asked. “That’s great!”

Um, who came up with the idea in the first place? I guess the thin atmosphere up there was a little much, huh?

[Broomstick]

@tdn

Did anyone else see this gem of a made-for-TV Disaster last night? (10/2)

No, but now I wish I had - I can always use a good laugh, MST3K style.

I’ve posted before about Shark Attack and Locusts. And we all remember 10.5, in which all of California fell into the ocean, and all the refugees in Arizona gasped at the beauty of the newly formed beach. Truly a mustardpiece.

Did you catch Mansquito ? That was wonderfully hideous!

So last night was Mayday. The plot: Some newfangled commercial jet was taking passengers from LA to Tokyo, or something like that (who cares?).

Good point - I think you have just summed up the total editing of your average made-for-TV disaster flick.

I’m not going to go into all of the bad stuff

Oh, why not? [/whine]

but if any pilots saw this they can comment on things like what yaw really is

Yaw is when the airplane swings right-to-left or vice versa, as opposed to up/down (that’s pitch) or rocking the wings up and down (that’s roll). Yaw is when the airplane wags its tail.

and whether commercial jets would have afterburners.

NO!

Who writes this bilge? They owe me a new keyboard!

First of all, The Military was testing a new air-to-air missile. The zone they were testing is was for military use only (in open ocean?), but was adjacent to commercial airspace.

Oh, why get that complicated? In reality, commercial airlines fly through Military Operations Areas all the time. Heck I fly through 'em!

Conceivably, you might want to test certain things over the open ocean, but as a practical matter international waters are hard to patrol - that’s why the US had things like Restriced and Prohibited airspace where the generals can do live-ammo tests without hurting people.

Col. T was giving orders to fighter pilots to shoot the “derelict ship” out of the skies, despite protestations of the fighter pilots. Col. T’s plans were thwarted. Temporarily.

If they didn’t shoot Payne Stewart’s Lear jet out of the sky when they were pretty certain all aboard were dead, why would they shoot down an airliner full of live people???

Naturally, Mr. Weekendpilot was the only person who could land the plane.

There are several threads on this forum regarding why it is highly unlikely Mr. Rusty Weekend Pilot could land a commercial airliner. Even Mr. Highly Proficient Weekend Pilot wouldn’t be able to do it - well, almost certainly although if it were me I’d certainly be highly motivated to give it the ol’ college try!

His plan was to land in San Francisco, with the help of the control tower.

I’m always puzzled as to what people expect the guys in the tower, on the other end of the radio, to do to “help land the airplane”. Controllers don’t fly airplanes (unless they’re also pilots - a minority for sure). Pilots fly the airplanes.

Unfortunately, the radio was dead, and cell phones were out of range. Good thing one of the cute stewardesses told him about the kewl new text messaging capabilities of the cockpit.

If there are no radios and no cellphones… how is the message text being transmitted?

Also, how the hell is the pilot navigating over the open ocean?

(By the way - folks ARE trying to develop cockpit text-messaging… but it’s not yet ready for prime time.)

This brings us to the second plot point. For some reason, an insurance agent from the airline was in the control tower. Her take on the situation? If the plane went down in open water, they could blame it on pilot error. No radio transmissions means no paper trail, right? But if the plane landed in SF and crashed, thousands of people could be injured, and some might need hospital care for years, and that might spell disaster for the firm’s actuarial tables. No, better to bring the plane down now.

Um… if it crashes in San Francisco you can still blame it on pilot error.

And losing a plane full of passengers isn’t going to mess up the “actuarial tables”?

As for the “no radio means no paper trail” - three words: cockpit voice recorder. Three more words: flight data recorder. Both types of black boxes have been retreived from ocean bottoms.

So anyway the good guys landed the plane, which skidded across the runway in a sea of sparks.

Why sparks?

Was the nosegear stuck in an odd position a la JetBlue Airbus or something?

I give it a 10.5.

Richter scale, right?

[Coldfire]

Amusing read. Now I have to see this film.

As an aside to Broomstick: didn’t Concorde have afterburners?
(Quick google search: yes it did )

Granted, that’s hardly indicative of all passenger aircraft, but if the plane in the movie was supposed to be an SST, then afterburners would at least make some sense. Don’t know if the movie plane was supposed to be one, as I don’t know the movie, so take it for what it’s worth.

[Broomstick]

OK, OK, if the “new fangled jetliner” in Mayday was an SST I take back the afterburner comment… but ya’ll know that’s not standard equipment for Boeing or Airbus passenger craft.

[tdn]

@Broomstick

OK, OK, if the “new fangled jetliner” in Mayday was an SST I take back the afterburner comment… but ya’ll know that’s not standard equipment for Boeing or Airbus passenger craft.

It had a delta wing like an SST, but the nose was more standard style. I think they cobbled it together out of whatever model airplane parts they had in the prop room.

And they very definitely confused yaw with roll.

[N9IWP]

I did not see the movie, but I think the commercials mentioned Mr weekendpilot was at least multi-engine rated, which makes it SLIGHTLY more likely he could fly the plane.

Brian