My eye scan is kind of weird. When approaching a woman I’ll take a mental snapshot of the full body, and then scan that in my mind.
During the conversation if she looks away I’ll take the openning to do another cursory scan of certain parts that either warranted more attention or that I didn’t find clear in my mental snapshot.
Another personal thing that I find myself doing is taking the snapshot, any further info I gather during the conversation, and creating a mental wire-frame model (similar to computer imaging). This helps me figure out to the smallest detail possible exactly how she’d look without clothes on. Its also a mnemonic device for me, which helps me to recall exactly how a woman looked that I haven’t seen in a while.
That last part may sound weird and excessive, but like most mental activities I do it in a fraction of a second. 5 seconds into a conversation with an attractive woman and I’ve done all of the above in addition to a possible fantasy scenario or two.
Is it an uncontrollable reflex? Yes
Do we think you don’t notice? Sometimes, and even if you do, its not your light that’s reflecting off your body and into my corneas. I can do whatever I want with it when it gets there.
I think the three factors that should be considered by both all parties involved are setting, attire and the “look” itself.
In professional situations, such as work, a looking man should exercise the utmost control and behave in a professional manner. Likewise, the looked-at woman should be aware (as is becoming evident in threads such as these) that there is–for whatever reason–an urge by men to look, and that one can minimize, if not avoid the problem by dressing professional in professional situations. I work with many women, and I have at times not been able to resist the urge when cleavage, tight/form fitting clothes or lots of leg are factored in. Out in social situations (club, party, even beach) I would assume the stigma against looking is lessened. Finally, there are different kinds of looking. Gazing, glancing, leering, gawking, staring, etc. are going to illicit a range of reactions depending on how innocent or creepy it is, no matter where you are.
Unfortunately, I know that there is a position among some women that any degree of “looking at” equals sexual predation or objectification. I do not subscribe to that notion, but I do regret any glance or gaze that made anyone I have ever looked at feel self consious. Personally, I would hope that anyone with a problem with me would bring it to my attention. That would certainly keep it from happening again.
One of my very favorite things in the world (if not the most favorite thing) is female beauty. Not just the movie star / model type, but the everyday beauty that exists in everyday women. Any thoughts that accompany my eyes are those of appreciation, not predation. An assurance I’m sure will fall on deaf ears by some.
I don’t think that’s really fair (or accurate). I don’t intend to speak for Lola, but for myself, I’ve had experiences where a guy is so busy looking anywhere but in my eyes, it becomes distracting. I’m not interested in judging a guy and where his focus is, I’m more interested in the communication.
Having said that, there’s been times where a woman is so heavily endowed, I have a hard time not looking. It becomes a conscious effort to focus on the eyes, when normally it’s something I never think twice about. Boobie envy? Not sure, but I can sympathize with both sides. I would give Lola the benefit of the doubt, in this situation, rather than accusing her of judging though.
Thanks, cichlidiot! I didn’t even respond to that post cuz I figured Robot had to be kidding! I mean it’s not hard to notice when you’re looking into someone’s eyes while talking to them, their eyes wander downwards!
And I wasn’t even judging!
I was asking whether guys thought we didn’t notice that and if it’s controllable or not…
I’ve gotten into trouble more than once (I mean I’ve embarassed myself, not trouble) due to my inability to control my wandering eyes. And I’m supposed to be a grownup. In a professional environment it’s easier for me to control, I think, but in a social setting, the eyes do get a little loose sometimes, depending on surroundings.
If I really want to and it’s in a casual social situation, I give a quick glance-over before close quarters. It’s a fully conscious decision, but I don’t ‘oogle’. [That’s why God invented sunglasses;)]
Otherwise, look straight at their eyes or face when talking. I used to do the wondering eyes thing as teen, but reckon I’ve got it under control now. Heck, if anything I tend to look at their eyes to see if they’re checking my eyes.
Personally, I am shameless. I don’t mind staring, don’t mind being stared at, but when the time for conversation comes, never, ever ever look away from the eyes, especially if some dolt wants to make locker room conversation right outta the damn shower.
glancing, looking, fine, but the staring is what gets me. I can deal with being checked out, and it is kinda flattering. I work in a bar area a few times a week, and it’s pretty much expected. But the whip lash type turning to stare at my chest? Excuse me, that’s rude. And I’m not talking about wearing suggestive clothes. We’re talking regular sized polo shirt and a pair of jeans. Even worse if you want to talk to me. If you talk to my chest, you will never ever see what it is underneath my clothes.
I’m a people-watcher. I look at everybody. How on earth are you supposed to recognize somebody you’ve seen before coming towards you if you don’t at least know their body characteristics?
At work I check over people I’m talking to, but this may be a holdover from the military. There it was a courtesy to check over someone’s uniform and let them know of anything out of place. I tell people if they’ve got a string hanging, lint, turned up collar, muddy pant cuffs, etc. Have you ever thought that we might be looking at your clothes? Sloppily dressed people turn me off.
OTOH, a few times I’ve been asked why I didn’t look someone over while I was chatting away with them at a party. They asked why I looked them in the eyes the entire time I talked and my eyes didn’t wander to the rest of them. They said it looked like I wasn’t interested in the rest of them. Well, maybe it’s because I’m enjoying the conversation and I’d rather not be distracted. I can look any old time you walk around but I’d rather give you my attention when conversing.
It’s a two-way street. When a woman knows a man is looking, she’ll look away to let him get an unhindered scan, and at the same time, she’ll strike a pose to make sure she looks good. My old friend (mumble) would say, “She’s stylin’, Nott! She knows you’re lookin’. She’s stylin’.” It’s a way of flirting without looking you in the eye.
Not all women do that, of course. Perhaps dear, sweet LolaCocaCola doesn’t. Perhaps.
I was about half-kidding, and I didn’t phrase it very well. It just seemed to me that the OP was leaping to conclusions, and even doing a bit of what she accuses guys of doing (being distracted from the substance of a conversation to notice something else about a person).
I tend to be a pretty visually oriented person. I still request a window seat when I fly somewhere. I still look out the window of the trolley on my way to work, even though I’ve been taking that route for three months. I look at, and notice, all kinds of things.
I remember faces better than names. If I look at you, it’s not some would-I-do-her, true/false test. But I would like to recognize you if I ever meet you again.
I’d probably also tend to watch your mouth when you’re talking. It just helps make sure I don’t miss anything that you’re going to say. I don’t know if you’d think I’m looking at your breasts, or if I seem to lack confidence with my eyes downcast.
If the question is “do I think you don’t notice?”, it doesn’t even occur to me to think about it. When I’m talking with someone, I’m paying attention to the conversation; not sitting there wondering if it looks like I’m paying attention.
Probabilistically speaking, you’re going to have to get naked for a lot of guys before that bargain becomes worth taking. Afterall, what are the odds that Joe Slob is gonna get the goods even if he does look you in the eye? So maybe these guys aren’t rude–they could just be good at math.
BTW, that’s assuming that you are absolutely wonderful in everypossible way. It’s the long odds that’s the problem, not that the “payoff” isn’t valuable. Sorry about that.