Men, would you be OK with your SO doing this?

[jakeline]

@Rubystreak

I don’t see what the objection is, really. I don’t think he is worried about me cheating on him. He says, “It’s not right. It’s disrespectful. It’s NOT DONE. I wish you wouldn’t.” I wish it were parsed out better into more articulate reasons, so if anyone can explain it, I’d love to hear it. If it’s not jealousy or lack of trust, what is it? It must be something else. I’ll try to get him to explain it better when I tell him about this thread.

I would be pretty pissed off if my husband told me that something was disrespectful without being able to back it up with an explanation. I’m assuming what your husband actually means is that he feels you didn’t consider his feelings sufficiently in this situation. However, because you were unaware of his feelings before this came up, there was no disrespect intended on your part. This is just a matter of where someone’s social expectations are different than someone else’s. I’m a pretty easy-going person, but I know that I’ve still surprised my husband by being uptight about certain things.

The problem lies in that he obviously feels that everyone feels he same way he does (“It’s NOT DONE” kind of sums that up), so he got all hurt because he thought you’d know that you were breaking some widely held social norm. Eh, chalk it up to different strokes and all it a day.

[Asimovian]

@DiosaBellissima

And on that note, why wouldn’t your friend offer to sleep on the floor or on his couch? It seems rude to tell a guest they need to sleep in the bed with you, when it’s your job as the host to accommodate them. If someone was at my house, I’d give up my bed and spend a night on the couch to be polite. I figured that’s how these things work.

The OP made it pretty clear that such options simply weren’t available.

@From the OP

The reason it came up is because my best friend is gay and when I used visit him every summer (before I was with Mike), we’d sleep in his king-sized bed together because a) that’s the only room that had an air conditioner in his stuffy apartment, and b) he literally had no couch nor any other sleeping surface, and I have a back problem, so sleeping on floors is murder, and there wasn’t enough floor space for a blow up mattress.

[Anaamika]

@DiosaBellissima

And on that note, why wouldn’t your friend offer to sleep on the floor or on his couch? It seems rude to tell a guest they need to sleep in the bed with you, when it’s your job as the host to accommodate them. If someone was at my house, I’d give up my bed and spend a night on the couch to be polite. I figured that’s how these things work.

I agree. And FTR, I have slept in the same bed as my best (female) friend, but you know, that was college. Now we both have apartments with couches, thankfully.

[Typo]

Another female weighing in to say I couldn’t do it. Floor’s fine with me. It would also bother me if DH slept with a female, and I do believe my DH could spend the night in a locked room with a drunken horny 21-year-old female and come out with his (and her) virtue unsullied.

[pulykamell]

@A.R. Cane

You either trust your SO, or you don’t.

Pretty much what it boils down to for me. Personally, I would not have any issue with it. I don’t consider a bed some sort of sacred space. It’s just a freaking bed. Then again, I’ve slept with an ex-girlfriend in the same bed while dating another girl at the time without even attempting any sort of hanky panky. I wouldn’t do that now, but at the time I certainly didn’t think anything of it. Some of us are trustworthy and have self-control.

[DiosaBellissima]

@Asimovian

The OP made it pretty clear that such options simply weren’t available.

That doesn’t explain why he couldn’t sleep on the floor, just that there was no couch, no air mattress, and that she couldn’t have slept on the floor. Sorry, as I see it, a gracious host would have made themselves a little fort on the floor.

Then again, the only people I’ve slept with (save for in a last minute hotel situation where I’ve had to share a bed with a female friend because we had 6 people in the last hotel room available) my boyfriends in a bed, so I’m certain that’s coloring my perception.

[Rubystreak]

@jakeline

I’m assuming what your husband actually means is that he feels you didn’t consider his feelings sufficiently in this situation. However, because you were unaware of his feelings before this came up, there was no disrespect intended on your part.

Well, it never actually came up as an issue IRL between us, since I never visited my friend without him, and now that I know it’s a big problem for him, I wouldn’t do it anyway. It came up when I told him what I did in past years. It’s also a moot point now because my friend lives with his SO and there are now other places to sleep in his new house, so it’s a non-issue anyway.

@Brain Wreck

You asked for perspective, I offered insight into my thought processes and indicated that it wasn’t entirely rational anyway. Among my circle of friends, all the gay men are certified unapologetic sluts. I’m not making any judgements on that, so do not project your judgements upon me. And you shouldn’t ask for comments on your anecdotal stories unless you are willing to accept that others have their own entirely true anecdotal stories. Nowhere in your OP did you ask anyone to filter their response to match your preconceived notion of things, if that’s what you want, you should say it up front.

“Project my judgements on you”? I’m not judging you. I’m objecting to your characterization of all gay men as indiscriminate sluts who would hump anything given the slightest opportunity. Anecdotally or not, I can’t agree with that. By all means, don’t filter your responses to match my preconceived notions, but think twice about slandering an entire group of people and characterizing them as having zero morals and a sexual orientation that is meaningless in the face of sexual opportunity. Believe it or not, some gay men have respect for other people’s relationships AND actually only have sex with other men AND are monogamous with their partners AND don’t sleep around. Don’t believe that because of my preconceived notions of things; do it because tarring people with broad (and insulting) brushes like that is just not right.

Diosa, none of my gay male friends have slept with their best girlfriend “just to see” if they were gay. I think they may have experimented with a girl when they were teens, just the way sometimes people of every orientation experiment with the gender not of their preference. I don’t think that means my gay friend wants to, or would, fuck me.

[Asimovian]

@DiosaBellissima

That doesn’t explain why he couldn’t sleep on the floor, just that there was no couch, no air mattress, and that she couldn’t have slept on the floor. Sorry, as I see it, a gracious host would have made themselves a little fort on the floor.

Well, I think you’re assuming he was being ungracious because if you were in that situation, you would be uncomfortable. I don’t think the OP has given us any reason to think she was hesitant or uncomfortable with the circumstance, so I don’t think grace was ever at issue here.

I hope I don’t come off as disrespecting your opinion, because that’s certainly not my goal. I’m just pointing out that in the particular scenario Rubystreak put forward, I don’t believe there’s any reason for anyone to fault the host.

[Uncommon_Sense]

@Anaamika

:dubious: Right back at ya. Was there something?

I think post 23 and post 69 don’t rhyme.

[Rubystreak]

@DiosaBellissima

That doesn’t explain why he couldn’t sleep on the floor, just that there was no couch, no air mattress, and that she couldn’t have slept on the floor. Sorry, as I see it, a gracious host would have made themselves a little fort on the floor.

By why should he? If I had no SO who objects to it, and neither did he, and it’s a giant bed in a room with AC, and the non-carpeted wood floor is the only other option, and no one feels uncomfortable with it, why not share the bed? It’s not weird or too intimate or anything in this particular case, with this particular friend, for either of us. It’s a convenience issue, and now that it’s inconvenient, and circumstances have arisen that make other arrangements more convenient, it’s not an issue. Despite my husband’s objections, in my heart it doesn’t feel wrong. It was the easiest solution to the problem at the time, and I’m not sorry I did it, nor does it seem odd or questionable. It was a totally innocent decision made so that everyone could sleep. I wouldn’t do it now because now I’m married to someone who thinks it’s unacceptable. That’s about the size of it for me.

[Anaamika]

@Uncommon Sense

I think post 23 and post 69 don’t rhyme.

Ah. Post # 69 was not referring to “sleeping in the bed with another man”, it was referring to this part of Rubystreak’s quote:

“I still think his objections are kind of weird, and can’t see how it’s anything other than a function of his insecurity, but we all have those things that bother us.”

Meaning, I think that his objections to what our situation are a little weird and functions of his insecurity. Our situation did not concern sleeping in someone else’s bed at all. I was sympathizing, saying even if you don’t feel something is wrong, and your SO is really bothered by it, sometimes it pays to respect them.

Clearer?

[DiosaBellissima]

@Rubystreak

Diosa, none of my gay male friends have slept with their best girlfriend “just to see” if they were gay. I think they may have experimented with a girl when they were teens, just the way sometimes people of every orientation experiment with the gender not of their preference. I don’t think that means my gay friend wants to, or would, fuck me.

Oh, I certainly wasn’t suggesting my friends are typical. It’s also important to point out that I’m still 21 and over the last few years, my gay friends have been doing the experimentation- but I think that’s what comes with being our age and finding out who you are. I certainly wouldn’t suggest that a gay man who has been definitely gay for 30 years would just decide one day to nail a chick. I think that type of behavior is more common with my age group for obvious reasons. Or my friends are whores. Probably the latter.

And Asimovian, no offense at all, my dear! You are totally right and certainly my POV is coloring my idea about what is gracious and what isn’t.

[Uncommon_Sense]

@Anaamika

Clearer?

Yep.

[Oredigger77]

I wouldn’t have a problem with my girlfriend in bed with another person with one big condition; they both were dressed in more then underware.

I have slept with one of my straight female friends the week before her wedding, we fell asleep watching a movie and I didn’t feel like moving when I awoke in the middle of the night, but we were dresed and dispite sharring a blanket and a bed I did not cuddle with her mainly because the idea of hold another persons SO seems disrespectful.

As for the clothing issue I think it is a physical intimacy hang up. I have problems with my SO kissing her straight friends goodbye and along those lines I think naked sleeping and showering are out of bounds. But then I think my sister kissing her friends goodbye is weird and sleeping naked or showering with them just as bad so its not an ownership thing.

But being the 24 yo male that I am if my SO invited me to take a naked shower with her and a straight female friend I think I could make it past the weirdness .

[Velma]

I don’t think the OP’s spouse is way out of line, if it makes him uncomfortable that is ok and it is all right for him to request she not do it again. I do think it’s odd that he doesn’t even want her to share a bed with a straight female friend though. My girlfriends and I sometimes have girls weekends together and share one hotel room, (yes, we travel without our husbands! )so 2 queen size beds sleep 4 of us just fine and I don’t think it would occur to anyone to object to that. It seems silly to get another room or make people sleep on the floor in that case.

If it was someone I knew well, I wouldn’t be bothered by it, gay or straight. My husband and I are close friends with several couples we have known since college, and I would feel fine with him sharing a bed with any of them, male or female, gay or straight. Now, I would make sure the other parties involved felt the same way first, that is, keep everyone informed and all is well. I might actually tease both of them about it if it happened.

My husband is friends with all the women from the couples and I am friends with the guys as well, we often do fun things together. My husband might go out grocery shopping for a vacation weekend with another wife, and I might ride a jet ski clinging to another guy. Maybe some married couples would even have a problem with that.

My husband has slept in the same bed as my best female friend before and it does not bother me. Our group of friends has often crashed at each others’ houses, and all slept very close in a single tent where “individual beds” have pretty much no meaning, and nothing has ever happened before so maybe that has something to do with it. The idea is not foreign to us. But I also trust the other people and know that they would never try anything with my husband, nor would any of the guys try anything with me, because we all respect each other and our spouses too much to do that.

I have a close gay friend that my husband also knows well, and I don’t think it would bother him if I shared a bed with him, although I would ask first (my husband and my friend’s partner) out of respect. If it was an instance of my husband sharing a bed with the friend or me, I think he would request that I do it! (Although I would not have a problem with him sleeping with the gay friend either.)

If it was someone I had never met before, I would object, but I can’t imagine my husband would ever do that. He would call me beforehand. So I guess the biggest thing to me is just to keep everyone informed and respect the boundaries of all.

[HMS_Irruncible]

@Rubystreak

“Project my judgements on you”? I’m not judging you. I’m objecting to your characterization of all gay men as indiscriminate sluts who would hump anything given the slightest opportunity.

No dear, that’s your inaccurate characterization of what I wrote. I described actual self-admitted behavior and attitudes of people that I personally know. I didn’t say that all gay men are like this. And more importantly, I don’t judge their behavior. You are the one who characterized it with a boatload of negative language including “evil”, which really is more offensive than anything I could have said. You simply asked for people’s thoughts on the matter, I provided mine, based on firsthand experience with actual people I know. If your friend is totally different, just ignore it as inapplicable to your situation, do not pitch a hissy fit at the suggestion that not everyone is as angelic as your friend.

[drm]

I don’t think it’s a big deal. I happen to think sharing a bed with a friend is a bit childish but if it’s something she wants to do, whatever.

I’m not sure I’d even care if it was a male friend who was straight.

I’m just not that jealous.

[Lunar_Saltlick]

@Scissorjack

Your husband is right. For adults at least, whether you like it or not a bed is an intimate emotional space as well as a place to sleep. Beds are deeply private places, and regardless of whether any sex occurs - or even has the potential to occur - the fact that two adults are sharing a personal space charged with such psychological intimacy carries strong overtones of a closer emotional attachment to another person than most marriages would permit. I wouldn’t be as disturbed by the sexual angle - aw, who am I kidding? Yes, I bloody would! - as the fact that my wife was admitting herself - or being invited into - a deeply private place which carries such strong connotations of an emotional intimacy that ought to be reserved for one’s closest partner. Once you get married, you give up the right to sleep with anyone else.

Seconded. I’m not sure you exactly give up the right, and if it was a one-time thing because of a severe lack of space, I wouldn’t freak out, but a regular thing? Don’t think so.

That said, there’s marriage and there’s marriage and there’s marriage. Some couples view marriage as a loose partnership; others view it as a tight, intimate bond.

[Rubystreak]

@Brain Wreck

You are the one who characterized it with a boatload of negative language including “evil”, which really is more offensive than anything I could have said.

If my friend made a pass at me in my situation, it would be evil. You did say this:

@Brain Wreck

Absolutely every gay man I know is a total whore given the opportunity, has had sex with women in the past, and a number of them claim they enjoyed it at least minimally. How would I know that the alleged gay guy is not secretly bisexual and has just been waiting for the right opportunity with the right gal?

This seems like a pretty broad statement. Absolutely every gay man you know is a total whore. Nice. OK, then that’s just your experience and you’re not using your (obviously rather skewed) sample to judge me or my friend, right? Or any other gay person? As long as that’s the case, we’re fine.

do not pitch a hissy fit at the suggestion that not everyone is as angelic as your friend.

:rolleyes: In your world, there’s only total whores and the angelic, right? Nothing in between, which is where most people live. My friend ain’t no angel, but he’s not a total whore and he does have morals, so I guess your experiences are inapplicable here. Thanks, I’m glad we’ve established that. Carry on.

[Asimovian]

@Lunar Saltlick

Seconded. I’m not sure you exactly give up the right, and if it was a one-time thing because of a severe lack of space, I wouldn’t freak out, but a regular thing? Don’t think so.

That said, there’s marriage and there’s marriage and there’s marriage. Some couples view marriage as a loose partnership; others view it as a tight, intimate bond.

This may not have been your intention, but it sounds like you believe that people who are OK with their spouses sharing a bed with somene else would fall under a “loose partnership” – is that what you meant? If so, I would strongly disagree.