Philosophical Difference between Spouses

In My Humble Opinion
1

My wife and I are having a minor disagreement. We just recently moved, to a town we lived in several years ago, and last night she had a welcome party thrown for her by a friend and some former co-workers.

At this get-together, a man got her phone number and then today, while I was at work, called and asked where our new house was. She told him, and then let him into the house, and showed him around. He apparently hung around for 20-30 minutes or so, before leaving, and then began making lewd requests via text message.

I, personally, feel that these actions (allowing some man I don’t know into the house while I am at work) were incredibly inappropriate, while she thinks that I am out-of-bounds in my distaste.

She tells me that the reason she let him into the house was that she knew him before last night, having spoken to him a few times a month over the course of three years, beginning six years ago (she asks that I make this distinction in the interest of full disclosure).

So, what does the dope say? We aren’t really looking for relationship advice, just more in the interest of a philosophical debate.

2

That wouldn’t an issue for us. When my husband worked nights, he’d sometimes come home to find people he’d never met sitting here with me, no problem. Nearly all my coworkers are male, it’s no big deal if I invite one over whether the husband is home or not.

3

I’d have no problem with it at all. Its a shared home, so both of you should be allowed to have guests. Your wife allowed the idiot in, he got rude and she threw him out and told you.

4

I vote for inappropriate. If a guy from work is coming over to drop something off, no problem. But I don’t think spouses should have opposite sex people come over to hang out one-on-one.

Of course the primary risk is that it could lead to something else. But it’s also disrespectful to the other spouse who has to deal with the worry and suspicions.

A happy marriage is one where both spouses compromise to make the other happy. So what if she can’t invite guys over whenever she wants? If he wants to see the house, invite him over when you both are home.

What would she say if you invited a neighbor woman over to hang out and drink beers all day while she’s at work?

[I think it would be interesting if the people responding mentioned their marital status… I’m married 20 years ]

5

It depends. If she was aware he was attracted and invited him over anyway? I’d consider that inappropriate for any relationship I was involved in. If she wasn’t aware, should she have been? If she wasn’t aware and it really came out of the blue, then I wouldn’t consider there to be anything wrong with her actions (and I’m glad the creeper just sent gross texts and didn’t try to do more).

ETA: I’ve been married a month. My second marriage. I was married before for 11 years.

6

Not a problem for me.

7

I’d say that it depends. In this case, it was a completely new friend she’d only met the night before. But what if it were an old college pal she’d known for years and years.

I think I’d like to trust my wife (hypothetically; I’m single) to make such judgements on her own. I’d certainly prefer to be trusted, and trust has to be mutual.

8

The problem I see with this is your wife didn’t know who this man was. And as it turned out, he was an asshole. You and your wife are lucky something worse didn’t happen, and frankly she doesn’t sound like she has the sense God gave geese.

9

Yep. All of this. You may see a lot of single or married many times people disagree but folks like me who have lasted 30 years not so much. Frankly this should be a lesson that it could have turned out much worse. Rape and murder come to mind. Why worry someone you love? Plus there is the possibility the husband becomes so angry at horney dumbass guy that one of them dies in a fight. Why risk that? What thoughtful wife of substance would?

10

You know, worrying that my husband will get into a fight with the guy and someone will die in a fight is right up there in likelihood with worrying my husband is a space alien. (Dude’s weird. What can I say?)

11

I’ve known it to happen. My brother was in a room when a man was knifed to death over a flirty wife. I’ve fought guys who stepped over the line. Things happen and we don’t always see the end of them until it is too late. Even wimpy guys have a line and any man who won’t stand up for his woman is no man in my eyes. Maybe that’s old fashioned of me and the world has suddenly changed from the way it has been since time immemorial but guys will fight over someone they love more than any other thing in my experience.

12

Your wife sounds very, very naive. She shouldn’t be inviting men she doesn’t know over to the house when you’re not home, but not because of cheating and trust problems- because people hurt and kill people. My red flag would have gone up the second he asked for my phone number- who does that knowing a woman is married? I would have given him my husband’s phone number and waited for the awkwardness when he called it.

13

I think this has little to do with being inappropriate, matters of (dis)taste, territoriality or philosophy.

You worry about some relatively unknown adult male being in your house alone with your wife. You worry about her being attacked or raped; you cannot protect her if you are not there. The post-visit lewd text messages sent by your wife’s male acquaintance bolster, in your view, your position that your wife acted unwisely in inviting him into your home while you were out.

Your wife probably believed she knew the man well enough to feel she was in control of the situation. The man may have thought that the only reason a married woman invites a man into her home when her husband is out is because she has a sexual interest in him. He made no overtures while in the home, thus avoiding being humiliated if she rejected him. (He distanced himself physically before making a play for her, which provided a psychological safety zone for his ego in case she rebuffed him.)

You overreacted to your wife’s acquaintance visiting when you were not present, she overestimated her ability to make it clear to the visitor that she had no sexual interest in him, he overestimated his sexual attractiveness to her.

Misunderstandings all around. Let the issue of the man’s visit drop. Two things need to addressed now:

  1. how your wife reacts to the man’s text messages. Was she surprised to receive the messages? Was she scared? Angry? Did she laugh it off? Has she communicated to him that his overtures are not welcome? Did she ask you to handle the situation?
  2. how you and your wife negotiate an agreement as to who can be in the house when only one of you is there. This is where respect for each other’s feelings is important. She needs to understand your desire to make sure she is safe inside the home. You need to make sure you don’t come across as thinking she’s too trusting to size up potential threats from other people.

If you both have cell phones, try this: when you have someone over when she is not there, call her as soon as the visitor arrives and let the visitor hear you tell your wife who is visiting, when they arrived and the reason for the visit. As soon as the visitor leaves, let your wife know. Your wife does the same when anyone comes to the house when you are not there.

Men and women are taught different ways to communicate and this leads to many misunderstandings and much frustration between men and women. Although the book is widely ridiculed (by people who have never read it, it seems), Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray is a good basic explanation and how-to manual for improving male-female communication.

I also recommend The Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker. It explains how to recognize that gut feeling we all get when we meet someone who wants to manipulate or vicitimize us.

Best wishes for a mutually acceptable resolution to your philosophical differences.

14

The implication of agreeing with the OP is that it’s okay to control the people your significant other hangs out with. I don’t think controlling behavior is ok. It actually indicates a degree of personal insecurity and emotional immaturity. If you trust your wife, then you should know you have nothing to fear–no matter who she spends time with. If you don’t trust your wife, then why are you married?

Rather than being angry or assuming potential betrayal before it happens, OP, I think you should be grateful the skeezebag didn’t try to rape her. I think you should support her after having an upsetting experience with that wannabe-homewrecker. How could she have known in advance that an old acquaintance would try to scum her pants off when you weren’t around? I mean, she told you about it right away. It’s not like she was hiding anything. What are you angry about?

I have to side with your wife. Expecting her not to reconnect with old friends, just because you aren’t around, is what’s uncool in this situation. The guy wasn’t a total stranger, he was an acquaintance she’d interacted with over a long period of time. Therein lies the difference. If she was letting random strangers in willy-nilly, that might be a safety concern. This isn’t.

15

Disagree strongly with this. I have female friends, my GF has male friends, we hang out with them one-on-one quite often.

16

Happily married 11 years this July.

I just don’t understand this. Like, at all. How is this a reasonable or comfortable way to live?

You know, I’ve been alive 35 years now, and I’ve never once tripped and fell and found myself having sex with someone. If I am alone with a woman who is not my wife, the risk of “something else” is zero. I’m not going to accidentally have sex with her. I believe the same to be true of my wife, so I don’t have to deal with any worry or suspicions if she is alone with a man who isn’t me.

I just couldn’t live like this. It implies an essential, basal absence of trust.

17

Well stated. It sounds like this guy made a point of visiting when you were not there and your wife probably should have picked up on that, or something earlier, as an indication that the guy thought he had an opening. That doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t have men in the house when you aren’t there, it means her radar needs tuning.

If I understand your post, she has been talking to this guy a few times a month for years? Through work I assume? The guy thought he had detected an opening in their previous conversations. When he got her cell phone # (private, right?) and then was allowed to come over when you weren’t there he probably felt that she was allowing the beginnings of private contact between them, behind your back. Score, or so he thought.

18

I think we’ve established there are two issues here.

  1. I don’t agree that you should control who your spouse hangs out with. I have both male and female friends and so does my husband and neither of us have an issue with one on one time with any of these friends. We are also free to make new friends of either sex.

  2. This guy was clearly a creep but if he had given no indication in her minor interactions with him over the last few years I see no reason why she should be blamed for this.

Lets save the righteous anger for the guy who deserves it and stop trying to blame your wife.

19

Sounds to me like the philosophical differences are between your wife and this man. He thought her behavior indicated that she might be open to some extramarital hanky-panky. WIthout knowing more of the situation, I don’t know how much of this was sheer delusion on his part, and how much your wife unwittingly encouraged this interpretation. But if someone asked me where I lived, or otherwise indicated that they were planning to visit, it would occur to me to ask why.

20

It seems strange that he invited himself over sort of out of the blue. How does your Wife know this guy? Why do they talk a few times a month? Doesn’t seem like she knows him as well as she thought she did, or perhaps is sending him the wrong signals. Or he is simply a jerk.

I donno. It depends on the marriage. My best friend is a woman that I’ve known for 22 years. I’ve been married for 14 years. We hang out without my Wife. Since she lives 100 miles away, I will sometimes crash at her place.

My Wife has a male friend that was a forest ranger. She used to visit him once a year and stay at his cabin. No big deal for us anyway.