I have a friend that has had a romantic interest in me in the past. Thinking this was over (and being led to assume that these feelings were resolved), I planned a trip with this friend and another person. Because we wanted to do it for the least amount of dollars we were thinking of staying in one room and sleeping in the same bed or switching it up every hotel. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling pretty certain that this friend still has feelings for me. For the purposes of this thread please assume that this is a fact (as I am very sure it is). Said friend has previously said that if there was alcohol involved things might get awkward for us. As in, he was afraid of doing something that might make things awkward. Apparently he has not thought very far as to what these awkward things could entail. Obviously this is something to be talked through with said friend. All parties were excited about the trip, but now I’m beginning to have concerns. I don’t want an awkward vacation, nor to feel like I’m hurting someone’s feelings when I do something. I also don’t want to find out what making things awkward entails or to be put into a situation where this is an issue. I invited this friend thinking they might enjoy the trip and that it might be more fun to have one more travel buddy, although this friend is only mine and not a friend of the other travel partner. The romantic feelings were not a concern as we had talked about them a long time ago and I had the impression that they were resolved based on what we have talked about. Now, I am quite worried about this trip and do not know what to do. Help dopers!
i don’t believe you have a concern; enjoy your sex
This can’t end well. I would suggest that you already know the answer to your problem, but you don’t want to act on it, for fear of the possible repercussions.
The person who draws the shortest staw here is the third traveler. It might be useful to consider their interest. You may think you’re cheating that party out of a fun vacation, but you’ve set up the possibility for the worst vacation ever.
Jesus Christ. A forewarning of “if I get drunk, I don’t know what could happen” is… Well, I don’t know what it is. It’s so far past a red flag that I can’t even describe it.
Abort mission, with prejudice. This can only end in tears.
If you don’t want to fuck or be fucked by/with this friend, then please have a talk with him or her.
I was about to say “oh no no no don’t do it!”
But then I realized I’ve been on vacations as both the desired and the desirer. It’s always worked out fine. Sure, it adds a bit of drama. But if you are both mature adults, I bet you can handle it.
What’s the “third wheel” in the trip likely to feel about this? Would they be okay with the trip if you and romantic-friend were a couple? How about if there was just smouldering sexual tension the whole way? You probably owe it to them to find out.
The first step is to talk to the friend. Clear the air. If they come out and say, “Yes, I have feelings.” or “No, I think you’re seeing things.” then you know where you stand and where you can go from here.
I feel really bad for the third person. It’s going to be awkward for him/her. Sexual tension is usually noticeable.
Man up and be honest. Tell this friend your concerns and that you are not wanting a holiday with awkwardness, drama or unresolved sexual tension. They are either adult enough to do that or they aren’t, and they need to be honest with you about whether or not they are capable of doing so. Assure them you are not judging them, just trying to insure everyone is on the same page. Make sure you include telling them you’re not going to change your mind about sexual interest in them and that you expect them to behave themselves - whether they have been drinking or not.
You should not be sharing a bed with this person. Period. Take a sleeping mat with you, and sleep on the floor if the hotel does not have a cot available. It is your responsibility to also behave respectfully toward them. No overly touchy, feely embraces, ‘friendly’ kisses/peck, or half dressed waltzing about your room, no sexy lingerie etc. If you can’t do that or they express it might not be possible for them to behave - change your plans.
I had a similar situation my freshman year of college. Long story short, because he couldn’t behave himself, I ended up literally kicking him out of my bed onto the floor. And, surprisingly, what tension existed beforehand disippated because everyone who questioned whether I was seriously not interested in him or just playing coy knew without a doubt that it was the former.
Listen, you allow a guy in your bed and chances are that he’s going to try something. They love their penises. Add liquor in and it’s practically a guarantee. So my advice is to make it crystal clear ahead of time that your feelings have not changed and tell him straight up that if he DOES try anything, he’ll forfeit his right to a bed and will be sleeping on the floor. And then be prepared to follow through.
This, except I’d amplify “be prepared to follow through with some amount of force if necessary”–you don’t want to be an acquaintance rape victim on your vacation.
Frankly, as a guy, I’m advising you to not share a bed with him ever, and probably you should suck up the costs and get a third hotel room everywhere.
Will there be 3-way sex?
If it were me, I would talk with the travel partner in question and lay it out that you are not romantically interested and that this trip is strictly platonic. If they agree to it, then you should be ok, but if they hem and haw and still give you lame excuses about what could happen if they get drunk, then you need to cut that person out from the trip, or make the decision not to go yourself.
It will be easier that way.
Yeah, sharing a bed with someone you know fancies you, particularly with alcohol involved, is a recipe for disaster. Don’t do that. You can probably make the trip work out ok, as long as you’re not sharing a bed - though I’d still make sure you talk to this person (when you’re both stone cold sober) and explain that you’re definitely not interested in them as anything more than friends, and you’re worried their feelings for you might not be resolved, which might make things awkward, particularly for the third person going. (But don’t make it sound like it’s all about the third person, that will leave room for them to think you might be interested.)
But really, don’t share a bed with this person. I can’t see that being likely to end well and, frankly, it’s a bit unfair on them too, if you know they’re interested in you. (Not that they shouldn’t grow the hell up and learn some self control, but minimising the awkwardness all round would be a good idea, I think…)
Yes. I felt like this as well Jake Jones. This friend is a really great person and hasn’t given such vibes off. The comment about the alcohol was a huge red flag and I began to be concerned.
I will talk to the friend. I am upset that this friend did not make their feelings clear from the start. Am I wrong? When I suggested that depending on how the third party felt we might have to get separate rooms they seemed surprised because they had no concerns. Did this not seem like an opportune time to make their feelings known if they felt that spending time with alcohol is a concern? I feel that the friend should have approached this subject when we were planning the vacation instead of simply hiding it. I certainly do not, under any circumstances, want to share a bed with this person. I feel very uncomfortable. Two rooms might not be possible at all times, unfortunately.
The friend knows that I have absolutely no interest as we have approached the subject long ago. Trip planning happened a year later so I thought the feelings were resolved. Yes, I was naive.
The subject has been approached with the third friend who is very understanding.
Elbows, the touchy feel stuff has never been a concern. It does bring up another issue–how much R&R can I get worrying about this?
I didn’t know who to turn to for advice and this has been a huge help. Thank you all so much.
They planned to have all three in the room and either all share one bed or switch who sleeps in what beds. I doubt she has to worry about being raped with her friend in the room.
I misread. Nonetheless, people wander off places or sleep too soundly or pass out.
I mean, yeah, it’s a worst unlikely case–I just don’t think it’s worth the risk at all.
Why the tortured grammar to conceal the gender of the people involved?
I must be old-fashioned, because the notion of sharing a bed like this with someone who has expressed interest in you is simply bizarre to me.
Consider that even if your friend agrees to your conditions, you aren’t doing any favors for your friend by putting him in that situation. This is a case where no matter what is ‘agreed to’ beforehand, I think you have a responsibility to consider your friend’s dilemma and just not put him in that situation. Sleep on the floor with a mat or air mattress. It won’t kill you. And do your changing in the washroom, don’t parade around half-dressed in the room with him, and wear reasonably modest clothes to bed (i.e. pyjamas).
A situation like this calls for strong boundaries to be maintained at all times. Personally, I wouldn’t even stay in the same room, and if the person had really strong feelings for me and I knew it, I wouldn’t go on the same vacation. But that’s just me.
Why should Mnem be the one to sleep on the floor? It won’t kill the friend, either, who should bear the responsibility for making accommodation changes as the one who concealed their feelings in the first place.