Casual sex: should I put it on hold?

Let me set this up: I’ve had a casual (yet always safe) sex thing going on with two (hot) guys for the past few months. They both know about each other, and the groundrules have been clearly set. None of us is actively pursuing anything more, but we’re open to the possibility of something happening. We’re also free to meet others. It might not be your cup of tea, but I’m OK with it right now, and so are they.

However, anyone who read this thread knows I’m going through a rough patch (and my email hos know more of the story ;)). Although I’m feeling better sooner than I thought I would. I still have to deal with some emotional crap that I should have dealt with months ago.

I haven’t seen either since the weekend from hell®, but I have tentative plans (that I can always break) with one of the hotties tomorrow night. I haven’t told either one about what’s going on, but rather have confided in my platonic friends and my faghag at work.

Should I tell them what I’m going through? Or should I refrain from seeing them altogether? There’s more to our get-togethers than sex - we actually do things like go to movies, and the like. The third option would be to see them as friends but cut out the sex part for a while.

It’s just don’t that I’m afraid I’ll use the physical intimacy as a way of seeking solace, and possibly delude myself. At the same time, knowing there are guys who are attracted to me and enjoy my company reminds me that I might just be a good guy after all.

I could always just test out the status quo, and see how it affects me. I have to decide by tomorrow…

Your input would be appreciated… :slight_smile:

Cheers, thanks a lot.

  • s.e.

Reading this thread I feel like I did reading the Australian “ocker idiots” thread several months ago.

What is/are?

“Email hos”


As to your question if the other parties are not concerned about it, it really depends on what you feel. There comes a point for most people (but not all) as they get older and more mature where getting your rocks off without a profound emotional attachment becomes an empty exercise. Only you can decide if the release and romp is worth the vacant, “left alone” feeling after it’s over.

Personally, if I was in one of your buddies’ positions (don’t I wish) I would want you to tell me. Even if it’s just casual, I think they deserve an honest explanation, instead of just being cut out of your sex life. Especially since it seems that they’re friends, as well.

As to whether to stop boinking… try asking them. I wouldn’t want to be the solace-sex-source much myself, but they might be okay with it. Or they might take you out and get you drunk.

I’m a big believer in honesty.

Email hos: email whores. The people I email with back and forth all day at work.

Faghag: close female friend & confidante of a gay man. Used to (and for some, still does) have a negative connotation as a str8 woman who would try and “convert” gay friends they secretly have crushes on, but the grrls have taken back the term for themselves. :wink:

I am capable of monogamy, and have been in several exclusive relationships. However, even though I’m almost 30, I’m (still) also capable of having more casual relationships, as long as it’s clear from the outset that emotional attachment isn’t going to enter the picture. That’s how I can avoid feeling “vacant” and “left alone.”

Anyway, I’ll take some time to think it over. Thanks for your insight.

  • s.e.

Argh! A reply while I was posting! I hate that! :wink:

Aww, you flatter me. :slight_smile:

Well I think I will mention that I’m going through a bit of a rough patch, but at the rate I’m going, I’ll be back to normal in no time :slight_smile:

Well I’m trying to avoid putting anyone in the position of being the “solace-sex-source.” That’s why I want to downplay things a bit in terms of the other stuff I’m dealing with, and just resume my life, and be the fun guy I really am inside.

Oh, that wouldn’t be a good idea right now, dear. :eek:

So am I, but sometimes when you do it the wrong way, it can blow up in your face, as I’ve learned many times.

  • s.e.

I’m more interested in this thing called ‘safe sex’…I have a feeling its not what I think it is.

You should be asking the two guys what they would want you to do.

What do you think it is, then? There are far better authorities to ask about “safe” or “safer” sex than me.

Very insightful. Never thought of it that way. Thanks.

  • s.e.

Listen up… this goes out to anyone who enjoys casual sex. Safe sex is an ILLUSION . Stop having casual sex. Eventually you’ll pay the price. Save the sex for someone you love and trust. You won’t regret it.

That’s your opinion. I am a free person and I can do what I want, as long as I weigh the consequences and take the proper precautions. There are many others here who would concur with me. You’re entitled to your opinion and beliefs, but by that token, so am I. This was not meant to turn into some flamewar. I asked advice about a situation I’m dealing with.

  • s.e.

Of course it’s my opinion. This is an open forum. I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am sorry for hijacking your thread though. This just happens to be something I feel strongly about, so I was compelled to respond.

Even if condoms were unbreakable, there are some things they can’t possibly guard against. Remember that.

I am aware of that, and I’ve been lucky (knock wood) that I haven’t picked up anything over the past 13 years I’ve been sexually active with men.

I take care of myself in terms of my sexual health, but the whole point of this thread was how to balance that with my emotional state. This isn’t a thread to discuss sexual ethics or sexualy-transmitted diseases, but rather what I should do in terms of my current emotional situation.

In any case, thanks for your reply and input. I always welcome the insights and opinions of others, regardless of whether I agree with them. I wouldn’t ask these questions in public if I didn’t want to know what others thought. And sometimes, someone will say something that makes me think, and even change my mind.

As for tomorrow, I haven’t made my decision, but hopefully by the time I leave work, I’ll know what I should do.

  • s.e.

Well, I’ve read this thread, and don’t think I know what to say. It is your right to decide what to do in regards to your sex life. But since these guys are also friends of yours, and not in it just for the sex, I agree that you should tell them why you want to cut out the sex for now. (if that is indeed what you want) You don’t have to tell them all the gory details, but if you say you’re going through a rough patch, they will very likely understand.

Seeking solace in things is all very well and good, but you’re right in that alcohol probably wouldn’t be a comfort right now. :eek:, indeed… Sex is an entirely different matter, but if you’re afraid that you’ll delude yourself over the physical intimacy thing, then my advice to you would be to really think about the situation and decide whether you can handle casual sex at this time. If you realize you can’t, then tell the two guys that you just can’t handle casual sex. It’s not like you just do the sex thing with them, right? :wink:

That’s all I have to say. It may not be very good advice, but there it is. Best of luck with whatever you decide. :slight_smile:

Flamsterre_X: send me an email.

Will do.

Ever thought about aids !!!

Ummm, yes. That’s why I practise safe sex. Am I supposed to remain chaste forever just because I’m gay?

  • s.e.

scott, I wasn’t implying that you can’t have sex, I was only asking how you have safe sex & just
what makes it “safe”.

Fair enough. But that’s not the point of my OP. If we want to discuss safe sex, that’s something for another thread. :slight_smile:

  • s.e.

Scott, my advise to you, for what it’s worth… don’t do anything until you’re sure about it… Sex like alcohol or drugs for the wrong reasons can be dangerous.

Think of your well being before anything else… and i’m not talking condoms here

Hang in there :wink:

Well, if I were to go on a spree of cruising the clubs and baths, that would be pretty self-destructive. However, hanging out with someone I’ve known since last summer and who came back into my life a few months ago I don’t think would be bad.

Besides, I’m in a pretty good mood today, and I think I’d be good company. Plus a little twink action would be fun… :wink:

  • s.e.