Casual Sex Etiquette 101

I’m sure this is going to make me sound like some sort of naive, attention-whoring twit (and while I’ll definitely cop to the stupidity of my naiveté and twitness, I’m not looking for any flirting or nothin’ – I just have very few IRL people to ask), but I’ve never had a casual sex relationship. And since I’m pretty fucked up, but not like I’m talking about, getting involved in anything even remotely serious (or with potential to head that way) is completely out of the question. Add to that, I’ve only been with three men and now I’d like to meet someone and become, uh well, whatever, but have no idea how to go about it or what the logistics are.

I have no desire to do the clubbing thing (and besides, any decent ones are too far from where I live) and posting personal ads just makes me seem more goofy than I already am. What does that leave? Trolling a local grocery market? I don’t want to invest in any deception to land anyone, so posing with a child as mine won’t work nor saying I’m a secret operative for the CIA at the next cotillion. Also, I’m assuming you discuss one’s history and the ground rules involved, but is that it? What happens if the perimeters change? With me being typically unstable mental fodder, is this a bad idea all around and I should stick to electrical appliances and books? Or give it a go and not miss out on probably what most of the rest of the normal world has experienced? At 18, no less.

Thanks for any help and squelching of desire to play to your prurient, most base desires when responding. If not though, what the hell. Enjoy at my expense.

Well, not that I have lots of experience in this area, but I’ve found that you find these things when you’re not really looking for them. Even if you have to sort of close your eyes and pretend you’re not looking, if that makes any sense. I’ve always taken a pretty firm stand that I don’t want to get involved in anything casual, not because I think there’s anything wrong with it, but because it simply does not work out for me. I get into emotional trouble when I try it, and I’ve tried it a few times. However, recently I had the opportunity to participate in a fling (with a strict time limit even–what luck) and after a couple weeks of dithering, decided to give it a go. I was extremely dubious about it working, and warned the fellow in question that I get attached to people whenever I try to be casual. Well, I’m an adult and it was my own lookout, and I figured if I got hurt, I was well-warned by myself ahead of time. So far it’s working out. I am not attached to him. I like him just enough to do what we’ve been doing, and no more, which is unprecedented in my history.

I don’t really see anything wrong with staying with the appliances and books either. That’s what they’re there for. :smiley:

Laying out the ground rules beforehand is a good idea. If you’re anything like me, though, you run the risk of having that talk (or talks) feeling like a super secret mission debriefing or something.

Lemme tell ya, at 18 you should feel no shame for things you haven’t done. You just got here; relax. :smiley:

Like Harimad-sol intimated, most of life happens just fine if you relax and stop waiting for it to happen.

Ground rules are indeed a must. Make sure you know what you want and what you will give before you start anything, and be up-front about it. That means the talking happens first, eh. Not after you jump in the sack, but before. Trust me, it will save the both of you a lot of trouble later.

But most important: RELAX, woman! Life isn’t a race. It’s a journey. :wink:

BTW, faithfool, you can always drop me an IM if’n you’re interested in my sordid tales. When I’m on the boards, I’m reachable by IM.

Thank you both. At least my assumptions are heading in the right direction.

However, Bo, I haven’t seen 18 in almost 20 years. But I appreciate the thought. :stuck_out_tongue: And Ms. sol, I’m glad someone like us is able to make something like this work, even if it takes repeated attempts. I’ll try to keep that in mind.

Well, at the risk of sounding un-PC, I think it is easier for a woman to find a casual-sex relationship than a man. I think the trick is to find a guy you like and flirt like crazy. This tends not to work in reverse, because I’ve noticed that most women I over-flirt with see right through it, get turned off by it, and are generally a little more discerning than your average guy, who is all-too-often perfectly happy to jump into bed with someone. This may not be the kind of guy you’re looking for, but suffice it to say that there are many of them out there if you are.

So back to the flirting. It doesn’t really matter where you are, and I think staying away from bars is actually a good thing. Trust me when I say that a bold move by a women goes a long way (I’m talking straight relationships here, as I don’t have personal experience with gay relationships). One of the coolest casual relationships I ever had was with a woman I met during a sightseeing tour in Ireland. We flirted, she agreed to meet me for lunch, and we were off. Obviously, be careful, but good judgement can go a long way, and I’d advise against jumping into bed on the first date.

Oops, I was supposed to be talking about flirting. Okay, here goes. Make a good deal of eye contact, make sure you say “hi!” and some chit-chat. As I said, it doesn’t have to be at a bar, and it can be anywhere (although dark alleys are generally not as good places as, say, used book stores). Trust me, the guys will be all over you simply because you’re having a conversation with them. (I know it is somewhat creepy. This is why you have to choose wisely). Once you end up at a coffee shop, you’ll be well on your way to the bedroom. At some point (after a few dates if you’d like), you can make a move (don’t wait for him! That could take too long). Be overt about the casual aspect of the sex, before it happens. If a woman ever said to me, “boy, I’d love to sleep with you, but I don’t want anything serious right now,” I’d probably be all over it (to my own discredit, maybe). More good news: this will thrill many guys. There are (believe it or not) guys out there who are reluctant to sleep with a woman if it means they’re getting into a long-term relationship. Make it clear that you’re in it for the sex, and you’ll find many takers. Good luck, and have fun!

-Tofer

Very, very important. Also, make sure you’re okay with the casual sex - sometimes it’s hard not to get attached to people you’ve slept with, even when you thought all you wanted was a booty call.

[QUOTE=faithfoolTrolling a local grocery market? [/QUOTE]

Fly to Australia. Sydney. Get a cab from the airport straight to the Neutral Bay “Woolies” supermarket. Put a bunch of bananas in the baby seat of your shopping cart.

Um… apparently.

Heh, I’m taking a trip to Australia next year. I hope I can remember this.

Care to elaborate?

As to the OP: I pretty much agree with every thing that’s been said. Except I don’t quite get the cynicism against the bar scene. Especialy if all your looking for is a casual thing. Because at a bar, that’s what you’re most likely to find. Not to mention how much easier it is to get you freak on.

Personally I like the neighborhood bars as opposed to the commercial ones. YMMV.

You’re a woman. This is not going to be difficult.

Are you looking for a no-strings relationship? Or a one-night stand?

The latter is easiest, as it involves meeting a single man you find attractive, and inviting him home with you (safer to be on home territory). Bars are best (but don’t drink more than a couple, for safety reasons). Few single men will turn down the opportunity for casual sex.

Sit at the bar, nursing a drink, and try to look friendly, approachable and available. If someone comes over and you don’t want to appear too desperate, say your girlfriend was meant to meet you, but had to cancel, and you were planning to leave after you finished this drink. Allow yourself to be persuaded to stay if you like the guy, if you don’t, you have an excuse to leave.

If you don’t like the idea of going out on the pull on your own, I always found going out with a group of male friends to be more effective than going out with girls. Guys can feel intimidated coming up to a group of women, but coming up to an obviously single girl, out with her buddies can be less intimidating, as they’ll usually talk to one of the guys first, and then come over to you. Sports bars are good, because you can play pool, and either beat all comers, or act pathetic and have to be shown how to play by someone.

The friend with benefits/no strings relationship is harder to arrange. Work it either as an extension of a one-night stand (“call me if you want to do this again sometime, no strings, no pressure”) or broach the subject with a friend you find attractive.
Whatever you do, you need ground rules:
Have a mobile phone and personal alarm on you.
Safe sex is mandatory.
Don’t promise what you’re not willing to deliver. Only say “no strings” if you’re 100% sure you’re happy to keep it casual.
Don’t do anything if you’re drunk or high. It’s not worth the risk.
Let someone know where you’re going, and ask them to call you in the morning.
Don’t give your number unless you want them to call it.

That same statement didn’t work out so well for my wife… she ended up marrying me! :smiley:

Granted hers was slightly different in language “I’m going to sleep with you, but it doesn’t imply commitment.” I was fine with that, but she must have realized I was too good of a catch to let go! :wink:

I had a few one night stands in my time, but it was pretty clear leaving the party that it was likely a “quick fling,” and I never had any real strange followups (thank god! :cool: )

Wow . I wish it was as easy as you guys say for a woman to get laid .

I guess it’s just me . I am shy , obese and very , very lonely . Haven’t had a date in … 22 years . I have had several male friends I have been interested in , and did everything I knew how to do to let them know I was interested in , including inviting one to go away for the weekend . Each one let it be known they were interestred in FRIENDSHIP . No more . :frowning: I have tried being ‘social’ , going to various functions , joining groups , putting myself out talking to men in a friendly , open way . No takers . I have long since resigned myself that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life . It’s not worth the embarassment if rejection .

It used to be a running joke between my mom & myself . Whenever I would need money for something she would jokingly tell me to go sell myself on the corner , oi which I would reply , “Sell it ? Hell , I can’t GIVE it away !” :rolleyes:

I appreciate all the replies everyone. But in the cold light of day, sans vodka, I realize that this would be a mistake for me. My personality is way too easily addicted to anything that might make another moment possible and I really don’t need to drag someone else into my own personal hell. So, that said, I’ve got to stop looking to self-medication to deal with this shit when it gets overwhelming. Perhaps I should take a posting sabbatical before I end up embarrassing myself more than I already have. But again, thanks for all the advice. I wish I could take it in good conscience. Unfortunately, my best course of action is to bow out of this and let others talk about or seek assistance in this area.

And to PapSett… please know that I understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes though, in my very humble opinion, it’s better to have NEVER loved at all than to have lost. Keep hanging in there. Joys are to be had, if we can just find and hold on to them.