This is a follow up thread.
How do I find a guy who is not into casual sex? And the identifiers, if any? What factors decide or influence whether a guy is into casual sex (which could mean sex without a relationship)? I’ll leave it to the responders to interpret and/or explain what casual sex is.
If the question is too vague, please feel free to re-word it or interpret it to fit the type of answer you are most interested in expressing.
Wow, you took my suggestion!
OK, some quick thoughts off the top of my head.
Stay away from bars.
Do the things you are interested in.
One quick vignette from a friend from a few years ago. She had spent countless nights sitting in bars with women she despised hating herself and all that. Just in the hope of meeting Mr. Right. Lots of frustration, lots of idiots. Nothing good came of it. One weekend she decided she wanted to go on a fishing boat, one of those boats where they give you the fishing rods and cut your fish off the line and all that. So she skipped the bar on Friday night because the boats leave real early in the AM. And the next morning went on the boat, met a guy and married him and they seem OK so far.
At this point in my life (35 and never been married), I’ve come to accept that the majority of men have no problem with casual sex. Hell, I don’t even have an ethical problem with casual sex. I’ve learned through painful experience that it doesn’t work for me.
Evolution has pushed the male sex drive towards higher frequency and more partners. There’s only so much time in the day. If a man’s going to have sex with multiple partners, he’s not going to be able to invest in emotional relationships with each of them. On top of that, we now have a culture that celebrates sexuality in all facets of life, whether it’s appropriate or not. Men who don’t pursue sex in whatever manner it might be offered are portrayed as uptight, emotionally crippled, or repulsive.
I don’t believe that evolution and culture are destiny. I believe a person’s character and moral convictions shape their behavior at least as much as the former influences. There are men who aren’t interested in casual sex. There are also men who enjoy casual sex but are ready to offer a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship to the right woman.
I just wish I could meet a few more of them myself.
You need to date guys that are in their 20s/30s/40s who are still virgins. That’s the best advice I can give. If a guy is in his 30’s and hasn’t had sex yet, he either doesn’t have an approach that makes women interested in having sex with him, OR he isn’t interested/patient enough to see things through when a opportunity arises.
I’d think these kinds of guys would be good matches for you because they often have some anxiety about sex, and if you are wanting a stable relationship and don’t put it out too early they won’t pressure you into intimacy. They’re the last kind of guy that is going to sleep with you and not call the next day.
Whenever you meet a guy, offer him casual sex. If he refuses, there you go.
I don’t think it’s a solid decision that every male makes. In fact, I doubt any males have considered it as a choice outside of a religious scope. It’s not like I woke up one morning and thought “Humm, let me decide for the rest of my life if some vague poorly defined concept is something I’m ‘into’”.
Your best bet is religion or finding somebody with deep-seated emotional issues or hangups about sex. I personally don’t even know how to answer the question “Are you into casual sex?”. What are you asking? Do I have sex before marriage? Do I not make a big deal out of sex? Do I wear khakis and a polo instead of a suit and tie during sex? Would I require some sort of a explicitly stated and enumerated commitment before taking off my khakis and polo?
I posted this in the other thread; I guess I will re-post it here:
I don’t have a system, I personally got lucky. But I’ll tell you, I’ve never had casual sex either. I’m vaguely disturbed by the idea, in fact. I’ve also never been into the whole bar scene.
I would say, based on my own limited experience, that you should look for a man based on some sort of shared interest. Instead of going to bars, look for other things to do that are more centered around an activity or hobby (we met at a nightime bike ride through an historic part of town for example. I went because I like to ride bikes, and I like old architecture. He thought I had a neat bike, and said so. I thought he had a neat bike, so we ended up talking). Oh, and actually, quit looking for a man. Just, find things that are interesting to do, and do them because you enjoy them. Looking for a man is boring.
Also, look beyond Mr. Hottie. A guy who isn’t into casual sex isn’t going to dress or act like one who is, because he isn’t pursuing that. Which isn’t to say you should look for a slob or something, but I just mean, if you are always chatting up the sexiest guy in the room, you are probably passing over the nicest guy in the room. And you might have to be more aggressive, at least initially. Again, the guy who seeks you out to talk to is probably trying to sleep with you. Which means he’s always doing that, which means he might be a bit if a slut. If a guy isn’t looking for casual sex, he might not approach you, or his approach might be clumsy. You have to kind of overlook that. You might have to walk up to the shy guy in the back and start a conversation with him.
And, as far as identifiers go, I would look for someone who is kind. I know for certain that is my SO’s defining characteristic, and having read a number of olivesmarch4th’s posts, I think it’s also a major part of her husband’s personality. I could talk for days about how wonderful my SO is, but no one else cares, so I won’t. Suffice it to say, I am always amazed at the depth and breadth of his kindness, and I think he loves me because he sees something similar in me. Which is really cool, I think. 
Perfect, win-win solutions are rare in this world, but I do believe we’ve found one.
Honestly, the only way you’ll know for sure is, after knowing a guy for a bit, or at least meeting him, is going to be to ask him.
As Incubus said earlier, most of the guys who aren’t into casual sex are going to be the guys who haven’t had much sex at all. I still go to bars, mostly because there’s no other place to go with other people my age that also fits into my schedule. I’m still a full time (commuting) college student and I work around 30 hours a week, so I don’t have time to join clubs or any of that jazz, at least not without sacrificing time that I could be spending with my friends, so I suffer through going to the bar with them from time to time. So I’m sure I’m not the only non-slut guy at the bar.
But I’m also going to be one of the shy guys who doesn’t have the courage to approach most of the women I see at the bar, so don’t go expecting these guys to just magically be drawn to you. We’ll have to figure out some method of meeting halfway.
Now I’m going to have to post another follow up thread about the pros and cons of the woman asking the guy out on a date. Will this ever end? :rolleyes:
Are you saying you want to find a guy that’s never had casual sex, or one that wants to have more than just casual sex with you? If that’s the case, then just don’t sleep with him for a couple of months. 99% of guys who just want casual sex won’t stick around that long. And, at that point, it wouldn’t really be casual anymore.
Well, another thought is that there are guys who have done the casual sex thing and aren’t too excited by it now. Also, remember to look for shades of gray. A guy who is a little too aggressive sexually the first time you meet might respond well to a firm"No thanks, that’s not me." Don’t immediately put him in the category with guys who have never had sex with the same woman twice.
Good point, a psychologist friend once told me he advises clients not to have sex on the first ten dates and to be upfront about it. Same logic.
I’m hardly call myself a wallflower yet I can only remember asking one girl out. Without a doubt all my long term relationships started with the women asking me out. That includes my ex wife and current wife of seven years come february.
Date nervous wrecks like me. To me, casual sex looks good on paper, but, like most forms of interaction with women, it causes me great retrospective anxiety.
Don’t hang out at bars looking for Mr. Right.
Don’t go after the hottest guys you see, expecting them to be Mr. Right.
Those guys are all “Mr. Right Now”.
Go about your life. Do things you like to do (Hobbies, clubs, groups, etc).
Take a good hard look at the men around you while you do.
Talk to some of them, just casually, as friends, acquaintences, etc. Don’t do it expecting anything, just do it because they’re people too. You never know who you’ll connect with. Some of them might be date worthy. One or two might lead you to connections with other guys who are more interesting to you. Some of them might just be fun to hang around with.
By all means, if a guy interests you, ask him out.
The whole fear of rejection thing is the same as when guys ask, so you might as well experience it for yourself.
I found my answer in miss elizabeth’s post which was “And, as far as identifiers go, I would look for someone who is kind.” It’s surprisingly simple. I am just looking for a good person. The most important question is “Is he a good person?” The lightbulb above my head turned on. Thank you, Miss Elizabeth.
There you go where?
A woman might not know why the guy refuses. Maybe it’s because he realizes that they just don’t click. It’s happened to me.
Tell him in advance you require an engraved invitation, and that you must refer to each other as “Miss ____” and “Mr. ____” through the whole thing.
(d&r)
I’m a little puzzled by your question… assuming you have some collection of traits you’re interested in in a man (funny, smart, kind, good at juggling, whatever), would you be UNinterested in a funny smart kind juggler who also happened to enjoy casual sex? Or would you (as I kind of assume, without really knowing) be uninterested in him only if he was interested ONLY in casual sex, or if he REQUIRED casual sex?
I mean, if I guy enjoys casual sex and you don’t, but you mesh in all other ways, that seems like a relationship that could work, unless he loves the casual sex so much, and/or is so unsatisfied with your real committed sex life, that he has to go looking elsewhere.
Or do you find being “into” casual sex so odious that you could never be interested in such a man?
(Or to put it another way entirely, is what you’re really asking “How do I find a guy who is interested in a real meaningful relationship, and who will not be bothered or offended or put off or turned away by my refusal to have casual sex?”? Because that’s really not quite the same question at all…)