How do I find a guy who is not into casual sex?

In My Humble Opinion
21

This is in response to the now closed thread about casual test.

It’s experiments like this which make me cast a weary look at that whole academic field. The test is completely screwed up (bad pun intended) and unrealistic.

In those types of bars, a direct proposition from a guy is against the rules and will not fly. The vast, vast majority of women who, after a fun evening of conversation and dancing, will have casual sex, will turn down a proposition like this. Many will even feel insulted.

Some women will and do have casual sex. Men, in general, are more likely to want to engage in the practice, but screwed up tests like this show nothing except that the designers of the test have no idea how the real world operates.

22

I assume that the OP is interested in dating a normal guy, not some social misfit.

Bars and clubs are probably not the way to go. Most people don’t meet their true love at happy hour.

I think what you want to find is a mature man, probably at least 30 who is actually interested in settling down, or at least dating seriously. Most 24 year old guys aren’t thinking about settling down.

Also, you might want to try building the relationship before you get into the sex part.

23

Check the cemetery.

24

Just say “NO.” Most guys who are only interested in casual sex will miraculously disappear. Guys who are just not interested in a serious relationship will accept “no” for a while but lose interest quickly once it sinks in that they won’t be getting any.

Beware of guys who only call you when they’re bored or those who always want to come by your place to “visit” rather than get out and about or those you never see on the weekends. This usually means that the guy is “otherwise involved” which loosely translates to “ISO casual sex.”

25

I suspect that a lot of the guys who avoid casual sex are social misfits, to put it bluntly. I think the promise of free and easy sex is too tempting for a normal, well-adjusted guy to pass up. The guys who don’t have casual sex are either going to be considered unattractive by society, or they’re going to have some emotional problems. I fit into the second category – I’m social phobic, so I have difficulty approaching the opposite sex for anything, much less sex.

Honestly, I would stay away from folks with emotional problems unless you have experience dealing with that kind of personality. Some people develop romantic ideas about reforming their parters, but the reality is, people rarely change much, and there’s no way you’re going to fix a mental illness. If you date an obsessive-compulsive guy, he’s probably always going to be obsessive compulsive, so you’d better be able to live with it.

Are you willing to look past physical appearances? There are probably some really great people out there who’ve gotten the short shrift from society because they’re overweight or have funny noses.

26

To the OP. Move to Mars or Chicago. :wink:

This mostly. I would love to have a nice, steady, normal (read that part 10x) girlfriend with an eye to a long term thing.

In the meantime I certainly will not pass up casual sex if the opportunity presents itself (assuming attraction and such). I approach every woman I meet and treat her respectfully thinking, “Who knows…this could be the one!” But if it goes to casual sex far be it from me to walk away. Mind you both parties are fully aware of the deal. It is never, “I’ll love you forever” and then not call the next day.

And FTR I am a one woman guy. Never, ever cheated on anyone.

27

It’s interesting to read these posts. Thank you to all the posters who offered helpful advice. I also sense a lot of bitterness from some posters such as the one who suggested I look in the cemetary even if it’s a joke, it sure is a bitter one.

The best advice was to just pursue my interests, and I will meet a guy with similar interests which is what I have been doing. It takes a ton of patience. The best advice so far is still the post by Miss Elizabeth who said to look for a nice guy (ie the opposite of the poster who suggested I look in a cemetary). Also thanks to Mssmith for responding to the posters who suggested I date messed up guys as if those are the only type that would not like casual sex. This is definitely a loaded subject for a lot of people, which is why I think there is so many weird responses.

In response to the posters who ask if no-casual-sex was the only trait for in a guy, I have to say of course not. If the guy was homeless drug addict who wasn’t into casual sex, I wouldn’t date him. I also know there are shades of gray, but this is quality is important to me. This is where I don’t understand how male posters don’t understand because guys so often care about whether a woman has slept with a ton of guys so I don’t understand why it would be so hard to understand a woman would care as well. I’d rather be single than settle.

The reason I started this thread was because I was so pleasantly surprised that in my last thread asking if there are guys who are not interested in casual sex, there were several guys who weren’t into casual sex. That blew my mind. The first thing I thought is “I want a guy like that as my husband!!!” Not some guy who thinks sex is hardly different from shaking hands because I could never respect a guy like that.

28

Well, for me, sex is different from shaking hands. I shake hands several times a week. Also, sex takes a little longer. If you include foreplay, that is.

29

I did not read that other thread but i have to wonder at the guys who said they weren’t in to casual sex. There is something else going on there. Religious reasons or they want to sound a cut above or they rarely get any so take a stance opposing it or something.

I can think of no normal (as far as that goes), unattached heterosexual males who would not jump at the chance if it presented itself (assuming attraction). Sex is normal. Sex is fun. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. As long as both parties are on the same page about it why not?

To be fair I know quite a few women who feel the same. This does not mean that is all they want in life nor does it (necessarily) mean someone willing to engage in casual sex cannot be a devoted partner when the right person is found.

I believe people hang far too much weight on sex. Between consenting adults it is a great thing. I am fully aware as well of the difference between casual sex and sex with someone you are in love with. The latter transcends casual sex in ways that defy description. That does not mean casual sex is not fun.

I think it comes down to honesty and commitment. Some guys are wanderers and will not be faithful or give a good, honest go at a relationship. They are certainly out there. Some others would love nothing more than to meet a good woman and share their life with them. Enjoying or engaging in casual sex does not preclude a man from being a member of that second group.

30

I thought shaking hands WAS the foreplay.

31

What “free and easy” sex? I know very few guys who can walk into a bar or club and get laid at will. It still takes some effort and a lot of guys are unwilling to put themselves out there and risk rejection.

Generally one does not “approach a girl for sex” unless she is a prostitute. You approach a girl and try and build a connection (which may or may not lead to sex, making out in a corner, a number or jack shit depending on your ability to close the deal).

While guys who can’t overcome their hangups have problems, guys who feel a constant need to bang as many chicks as possible also have issues. When a guy feels a constant need to brag about his sexual exploits, beyond normal guy talk, I have to wonder why this guy feels a need to prove to everyone what a stud he is.

So basically, “normal” falls somewhere between completely dropping out of the game and overcompenstion for your perceived shortcomings.

One thing I see is a lot of women fall into the trap of only wanting to date a certain type of guy. Of course this type of guy also tends to be the type of guy that has no interest in a serious relationship. So basically if your “type” is a spiky haired protein shake drinking knucklhead in a striped Armani Exchange shirt who you went home with after a few Red Bull and vodkas, don’t be surprised why you can’t seem to find anyone more long-term.

Of course, you always have to ask yourself “why would a guy/girl want to be with me?”

32

Guys do it too. Guys may be less choosy about who they jump into bed with so the issue gets masked somewhat but when it comes to serious relationships I often see the same thing in guys (myself included for awhile there).

Thing is women really, really, really do not seem to dig the nice guys. I have not done a scientific survey but I have seen it countless times and have very few examples of the “nice” guy winning.

For whatever reason women seem to respond well to dicks. Thinking back on my history I see that the women who were most in to me were the ones I was the biggest asshole too (not really my style but I have definitely had my moments). I often hear my female friends make remarks such as, “Some guys you want to marry, other guys you want to fuck”.

I could bury you with anecdotal evidence. Believe me, I wish it were otherwise as I am (usually) one of the nice ones. I commonly get the refrain of, “You cannot help who you fall in love with.” Never mind that the guy you fell in love with is abusive, an alcoholic/drug addict, has no job, is a bible thumper and is in jail (actually know a woman who is with exactly that…but she “loves him”).

WTF? :smack:

I am by no means laying all fault at the feet of women. I certainly know where I and other men screw up badly. I guess what I am saying is both sexes are messed in the head and it is a wonder any two ever meet that can get along. Problem is we are both sleeping with the enemy. :wink:

33

My baseline experience with asking women for sex is pretty much total rejection. So I don’t ask any more. I hope they ask me, which has also generated pretty much nothing but frustration, but that’s another story. So, while I won’t suggest sex, if it is offered to me I will accept it, on the first date or the tenth. Does that make me someone who wants casual sex?

I would say yes, but perhaps not by the OP’s standards. If the OP is looking for a guy who won’t hassle her about sex during the first few dates, that would be a guy like me. We (or maybe it IS just me) are burned out by rejection. We (or maybe it is just me) are waiting for women to see what good guys we are, take the initiative with us, and have their way with us.

We (or maybe it is just me) haven’t had sex in a LONG time.

34

It’s actually pretty simple. I wouldn’t date a girl who engages in casual sex. And since I’m not a big supporter of double standards, I, in turn, don’t plan on engaging in casual sex.

And secondly, maybe it would help if we could clarify the definition of casual sex. I would say casual sex is where the parties involved know each other very little or not at all when they decide to do the deed (met at a club, bar, party, etc). If you’re friends with someone for a while but decide to have sex with them, while at the same time not committing to a relationship (friends with benefits), that still strikes me as being a step above “random, casual sex.”

35

So what’s the acceptable sexual history of a “normal” person?

Someone who “went steady” with two or three serially-exclusive partners in high school, made a good “item” in the eyes of their peers, an attractive prom couple, but both agreeable to parting after graduation so as not to drag each other down, no point in taking it too seriously.

A few one-night stands during the college kegger phase, where everyone is there as a transient and getting a broadening education.

Post college graduation - not so much picking up/being picked up in bars & clubs and having sex that same night, but rather getting phone numbers, calling later and having sex on the third date.

Getting married once one’s sown one’s wild oats, and not one oat before or after. If you meet “the one” while you still have any wild oats, well… that just isn’t possible.

Getting divorced - amicably, we both realize we’ve grown apart, no reason to be bitter, we respect each other as individuals.

More phone numbers and sex on the third date, allowance being made for a few one-night stands to salve the post-divorce mourning phase.

Re-marriage, repeat, but never more than three times, or else you’re an outcast in the eyes of God and E-harmony.

Oh, and no same-sex stuff unless, for boys, you were prepubescent and at summer camp. Women are allowed an encore as college freshmen, but that’s all. After that and you have to had to go one way or the other. Gay, straight or crazy, those are the only three slots we allow.

No problem getting laid, no problem maintaining a committed relationship, and no problem recognizing the social cues for when each is appropriate!

Who the fuck could live lives like that? That’s as unrealistic as the 1950’s when June Cleaver had been a virgin and Ward had only stuck his dick in a glory hole or two when he was in WWII!

(unless these are the only parameters we expect of our partners, while we ourselves have lived such interesting lives as the complex people we are that, well… what would you expect?)

36

How would you know in advance? And if after a really great first date she says, “Let’s go back to my place.”, you plan to answer no? And then not call her again, because she crossed the line by asking?

And you don’t plan on it? Does this mean dating is sometime in your future, and you are working out strategies now?

37

First off, don’t make the guy wait for 3 months. That is too long. I’ve had sex with girlfriends generally in the first 3 or 4 dates. A casual-sex guy isn’t gonna even go that far. He wants it tonight or tomorrow.

That’s the power of being a woman, you can use sex as a way to make him honest. Now I don’t think this is a good idea. After a few dates you should feel something really nice about each other. If not then it probably won’t get better after a whole lot longer.

I don’t get it. You are repulsed by guys who would have sex at the drop of a hat? You have to realize that this is the way men are. Seinfeld said it best.

(paraphrasing)
When it comes to sex, men are like firemen.
No matter what happens within 10 minutes they are there ready to battle the blaze.
All the time, every day every night.

Women are like the fire.
A lot of certain things have to fall into place and certain conditions need to be just perfect.

It’s based on an evolutionary trait.

Now, you don’t want to confuse that with the men who ONLY want casual sex. That is probably what you are in to.

You can meet such men in bars, but you only want to go when you know them. Birthday parties with groups of friends are a good idea. It’s always best to have a personal reference when it comes to meeting people. Even office parties, whatever.

Bars aren’t always a bad place to meet men. You just have to find the ones who don’t look like they are particularly out for a “good time” Don’t EVER go to clubs though. I met a gf of mine once at a club, but it was different. It was an Erasmus student gathering, and I saw her sitting down, etc so I talked to her.

But the point of all of this is, don’t get with a guy who you meet totally in the wild.

However, you may even have luck with guys in situations like that. I fell head over heels in love for a chick that I had met at a club once. She was really quite amazing, but I didn’t know it at the time. I did want casual sex, and she didn’t. Well I ended up seeing her a few times later on, and really fell for her. But…she dumped me for another dude :frowning:

38

“Guys you want to marry” generally means “dull guy with a steady job who doesn’t go out drinking every other night with his buddies”.
Anyhow, I don’t necessarily believe there is always such a distinction between guys who are or are not into casual sex. A 23 year old guy who just graduated college and moved to the city would probably rather go out clubbing with his buddies every weekend than settle down. The same guy at 33 may be more inclined to settle down. Or maybe he got married at 23 and is now divorced and has no desire to settle with one woman.

39

I AM married to a ‘‘guy like that,’’ and I take exception to the idea that guys who are not interested in casual sex must be either deeply religious or emotionally unstable. That seems like a pretty rough stereotype to me, and doesn’t apply at all to my husband.

It’s sad that I have to make qualifiers like, ‘‘for whatever reason’’ and ‘‘It’s odd, but’’ to sort of justify my husband’s disinterest in casual sex, porn, or even pictures of hot chicks. He is a very caring, normal, well-liked guy who despises religious extremism. He has a healthy libido and a very romantic perspective about what sex is supposed to be–which I admit sometimes I find a little perplexing.

I met him at freshman orientation of college when I was 18, and I ignored him for about a year, because he is shy and nice and despite being quite attractive, just not the sort of guy one thinks about in a sexual way. We had to become very close, intimate, best friends before I even realized the amazing love standing right at my side.

So, I would have to agree with those who advise you to look places you normally wouldn’t. I’d give everyone you meet a fair shake, even if they don’t strike you in that way initially. If I’d have gone with my initial impression of my husband, I’d be missing out on so much love and excitement, the family he and I have formed in each other, and lots of hot, emotionally meaningful sex.

Those guys with steady jobs who don’t go out drinking are not necessarily dull. I think one of the greatest myths is that somehow stability in a relationship is ultimately unfulfilling. I don’t agree.

40

What does that say though? That a woman’s goal is a guy who can pay the bills, buy her clothes and jewelry? That most of those guys are by default boring so you need to screw your tennis pro?

Opting for that life is nearly as demented as opting for the abusive jerk who really turns you on.