How do I find a guy who is not into casual sex?

In My Humble Opinion
41

Yeah, I’m worried “men not into casual sex” is being translated by some as “men not wanting sex from their partner.” While I would turn down a girl I had known for a very short time, I probably wouldn’t from someone I had gotten to know. I would also begin to worry about the goal of a romantic relationship if feelings of affection weren’t appearing after a short time.

About how to find them…look for an underdog. I’m not saying find some loser to date, but the fun guy at the office that everyone likes, but women don’t really seem to be attracted to (you know who this guy is). Do something like going out for a drink after work. That’s still platonic enough so you could abort mission if things don’t develop like you would hope. Sooner or later you can make your decision to do more.

42

I could believe that the majority of guys would have sex with someone they barely know or not at all without any type of relationship, but that doesn’t affect my standards.

It also seems plausible that a lot of guys who are not into casual sex are that way because of some emotional/social skill problem or religious belief, but I don’t think all non-casual sex guys are that way.

I also don’t believe that guys wanting to engage in casual sex are more emotionally stable or “healthier” than guys that don’t. I think some sort of pathology could exist with either group. I don’t believe that a guy who is not into casual sex and also is responsible with a good job is dull; I think quite the opposite. That myth doesn’t even make sense to me. What does it mean for a guy to be exciting anyways? A secret agent who bungee jumps and travels around the world and wrestles crocodiles?

Hey, I realize that having high standards weeds out a lot of guys, but I only need one guy to get married to. If I can’t find someone who fits my standards than I’d rather never marry. I am not get married just for the sake of getting married.

Once again, I appreciate all the posters who responded and perhaps even the ones who are bitter and make wise a** comments for the sake of comparison. It demonstrates how diverse people’s attitudes are.

Lastly, Olivesmarch4th, I am so happy for you. I hope some day I can say the same.

Okay, carry on.

43

There ARE guys out there (like me) who aren’t into casual sex, and not because they are social pariahs either. I have had lots of opportunities to have sex, even casual sex, but I have turned them down. For me though it wasn’t really a hard decision. I know what I want, and it isn’t something cheap or temporary.

It isn’t because I am a prude either. That seems to be the insinuation around here. Either that, or you are socially inept or abnormal if you aren’t jumping into the sack with every woman you meet who shows even a tiny bit of interest.

Assuming I get married, I plan on having lots and lots of sex. Lots of kinky, crazy sex.

44

There are plenty of normal, non-emotionally-disturbed, non-social-pariah, non-scary-fundamentalist guys who wait until marriage (or at least a serious, committed relationship) to have sex. Religious belief is probably the main reason, but I’ve known nonreligious guys who had their own practical or ethical reasons for waiting, and I think that’s a valid choice that doesn’t necessarily indicate some kind of pathology as others have implied. A liberal, social-justice-oriented Christian group might be a good place to find this type of guy. Most college campuses probably have one.

45

Or one with a low sex drive, be it drug-induced or–like me–natural.

46

Jumping in a little late but I read through the thread.

My main thought here is that “Casual Sex” is vague, “into casual sex” is vague, and the particular motivation of the OP is vague for finding somebody like this is vague (from my reading, doesn’t appear to be, for example, a religious motivation). In fact, it seems more like the OP is assuming that those guys who aren’t in to casual sex will make for better relationships.

IMO, Both camps are going to far with their characterization and stereotypes of people in the other camp (casual sex vs. no casual sex). I, for example, am a pretty nice guy, currently looking for a serious long-term relationship. However, were I to meet a girl I’m interested in and have a good time with, I would see no problem whatsoever with having sex with her. Am I into casual sex then? I would be interested in calling her and pursuing her further in all likelihood, so does that make it less casual? Does it rule me out by the OPs standards? More pertinently, does this seem to make sense? I’m curious as to what, exactly, it is about the fact that I’m willing to be physically intimate quickly makes me worse as a person, and (presumably) worse as a relationship partner. (Also note that I’m willing to NOT be immediately physically intimate, should my partner so choose, but would quickly become worried about the POTENTIAL for physical intimacy if my interest <but not yet relationship> continues to “hold out on me” for no immediately apparent reason)

On the other side, it seems like the people “supporting” casual sex are assuming the worst about the people who don’t. Unfortunately, because the definitions are so vague, it’s easy to insult them as religious/anti-social/crazy people.

I would say I only have a problem with people who seem to create arbitrary rules about sexual involvement. Everybody knows or has a friend who seems to have some sort of calender with dates marked off when s/he can “start” doing something with somebody else. Said person often agonizes over particular people, and how much they want to do X, Y, or Z (or XXX…) with that person, but can’t because “it’s not time yet”. Setting artificial dates, or holding off in order to “test” somebody accomplishes nothing, and really, drives away a lot of potential suitors who are suddenly concerned as to the level of involvement between them. I take it as a warning sign of sexual and personal instability if people are intensely concerned over whether or not something is “official” or “too soon” or “too much” when their body and mind are telling them it’s what they want. Self-Denial in this way accomplishes nothing.

47

Saying you have “high standards” is insulting to men who enjoy casual sex. Just because you do not prefer that type of partner does not mean he is worth less than a gentleman who prefers a long term relationship before being sexually intimate.

48

And furthermore, sounds like something straight out of the talks our bishop used to give the youth at our church on a seemingly momthly basis.

49

There’s nothing wrong with being picky about who you date and marry. Go ahead, be picky! :smiley:

50

Well, I frankly couldn’t agree more. I have never intended to have a one night stand, because I won’t sleep with some one I’m not willing to date. Now in a dark bar I may have though she was better looking then I though she was but I try to figure it out before hand. If she is good looking enough to sleep with I figure I owe her at least 3 dates to find a personality that is worth a long term relationship with. Now obviously not every person that I sleep with a) wants to sleep with me again :frowning: or b) has a personality that makes them worth talking to. But I have never gone in thinking now matter how good she is in bed or what a wonderful person she is I just won’t see her after tonight. That just doesn’t make sense to me If I’m willing to go there once why not a second or a third unless I just can’t stand to be around her or vice versa.

OTOH I have no problem with women who want to wait to fool around and it is by no means a requirement. I do start to wonder if she is attracted to me physically after a while but in general if there is a reason I’m content to no push the bounds

51

I think in defining casual sex, we should not use the word random. I’ve had plenty of casual sex that wasn’t random, and (not so) plenty of random sex that didn’t end up casual.

52

I’m sorry that you feel this way.

53

Look for a guy who is at least one of the following:
[ul]
[li]Religious[/li][li]Shy/socially awkward[/li][/ul]

If you’re looking for a religious guy, it will help a great deal if you’re also religious. If you are, the obvious place is at events run by your church/synagogue/temple/mosque/whatever, or by organizations affiliated with your religion. Many religious organizations have events for singles to meet each other.

Socially awkward guys aren’t likely to be found at bars or parties. Classes and your workplace are good places to look for them- lots of shy or socially awkward people do most of their socializing in classes or at work. A lot of shy or socially awkward people are perfectly nice people- they’re just not comfortable at parties and the like. If you aren’t interested in someone to go to parties with you (if you’d rather stay home anyway), that could work out nicely.

I can understand why you would want a guy who you’re pretty sure wouldn’t jump into bed with anyone who offered him the opportunity. It’s nice for Mr. Neville to be able to work late or go to a conference without me, and for me not to have to worry about him finding someone he likes better than me. It’s also nice knowing that he’s not comparing my performance in bed to a bunch of other women’s, and that I’m not coming up short.

54

Yes, actually, neither me or my husband are particularly religious (he’s agnostic, I’m a very mellow Buddhist), but for a variety or personal and practical reasons, we held off on intercourse until we got married. Not implying we were models of virtue and purity in the four years leading up to the marriage, but we waited for actual intercourse. And it was HIS idea to wait, partly out of concern for the psychological effect it could have on our future children to be the result of an unplanned pregnancy, partly because neither of us were in a position to accept the responsibility of conceiving a child before we were ready, and partly for things that had way more to do with me than him.

My point is, his reasons were rational and not at all pathological.

And we don’t regret waiting at all. Not even a little bit.

55

well no I wasn’t saying it was required, per se, I was more going down the line of “well if we really are mutually attracted, mentally and physically, uh… what’s the holdup?” I personally can’t see any particular reason for denying oneself the physical pleasure, and it actually makes me more worried that she’s not mentally attracted to me and is thus unwilling to become intimate physically, or worries me that our personalities aren’t compatible if we have such wildly differing views on morality, or sex, or “counting down dates and days until we can move along physically”.

56

If he’s breathing he won’t turn down the possibility of sex without a relationship. Which is not to say he wouldn’t want a relationship also.

57

Ya I got what you were saying just restating it for myself, I think we’re right on.

58

I’ll echo these thoughts. Its like the OP asked to find guys who aren’t into obscene material. Well, what’s obscene material? To some folks that’s Victoria’s Secret Ads, to others Child Pronography. I think I wouldn’t sleep with a woman unless I was interested in some sort of a relationship, but I wouldn’t guarentee it.

59

Well…it seems to be if you want to be more than a casual sexual encounter for a guy, there needs to be more to you than just willing to have sex.

60

I’m with dangermom. You’re not talking about where to eat lunch, you’re talking about qualities you want in a life partner. Keep your high standards.