I’ve had a few FWB in my life. In the past it’s always been, we’ll go have a few drinks to get the mental gears oiled, then head back to my place or her’s for some casual sex.
Current FWB, is a little different though. The other day she called me asking if she could come over to my place to take a shower as her hot water heater went out. I said “sure no problem. I was just about to start dinner. I can feed you too!”
So she comes over, she takes a shower as I start dinner. She finishes her shower and comes sits with me on the couch. (Dinner still has a way to go) As we sat on the couch we did a little light kissing, sitting side by side, legs crossed over each other, holding hands.
This is where it starts to get awkward for me. I mean THAT type of stuff, is the type of stuff you would do with a regular GF/BF right?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a big softy, I like that kind of stuff but at the same time I don’t want to give off the vibe that I want more than just casual sex. So the whole time I found myself second guessing: where do I place my hands? How close do I sit? etc… I also sensed a certain amount of awkwardness coming out of her as well.
I’ll admit, this “awkwardness” could be due to the fact that is the first time we’ve hung out and NOT have at least a couple of drinks. We don’t normally get trashed. Just a little to take the edge off.
So my question to the masses is: What are your thoughts between the intimacy between FWB? Also, do you (or have you) do that type of stuff with your FWB?
I haven’t had one, but I think it doesn’t become a ‘regular’ relationship until you have obligations to each other, until you make decisions together, etc. If you like kissing her and holding hands with her, that can just be part of the ‘benefits’.
This. If you start thinking that you have some kind of obligation to not do something you both enjoy like kissing or holding hands, you’re missing the point of being “friends with benefits”.
There’s a Spanish noun, roce, which means something akin to “a light touch” - its accompanying verb, for anybody who cares, is rozar. In Spain, someone with whom you have a FWB relationship is said to have derecho a roce, the right to touch lightly.
The problem with most FWB relationships that I have been an outsider of are that one or the other wants a relationship. If it’s not you than chances are it is her.
(Not my FWB, we spent more time talking about our other relationships and what to do about them than having sex.)
You called this a “Friends with Benefits” relationship. Letting her shower at your place and hanging out for dinner is the “Friends” part; making out on the couch is the “Benefits” part. I honestly don’t see the problem here.
Unless you’re saying that every encounter must be either strictly platonic or strictly sexual, and never the twain shall meet. In that case I think you’re missing the point.
Speaking just for myself kissing is an important part of sex. I won’t have a casual encounter with someone I don’t want to kiss. That being said I do very often find myself holding back in a casual encounter as to not give the impression that I might be falling in love. Hard to explain how I am holding back but a degree of tenderness that I would experience with someone I love I tend to steer away from in a more casual encounter.
If I had been the girl in that situation I would have come right out and said “Well, isn’t this awkward” So that we could laugh about it, and to cut the tension.
Here is my post from the other thread:
We have plenty of times that we’re like GF/BF. We go to the movies or even just hang out. It’s not always about having sex. Even if I just want to cuddle, I can call him and he’ll just cuddle with me all night. But, I know he dates a lot and it’s fine with me. He also knows that there is someone I have a crush on right now. Though nothing will come of it, since I do not want a relationship right now.
In a situation like this you have to be very sure that both of your heads are in the same place, since it’s really easy for one to start falling and keep it quiet. Then someone gets hurt.
You really needs to honestly talk to each other, and make sure you’re both okay with the no commitment thing.
Wish I would have seen this sooner Shakes! The scenario you explained is exactly what I would call the perfect FWB situation in my eyes. That’s exactly what I want…and I kind of feel like my FWB is possibly looking at it the same way you were. So enlightening!!
I think these types of relationships can take any number of forms, up to and including full, affectionate relationships that just don’t have the commitment. It’s up to you guys what you want to do with this.
But I do think it is polite and fair to be consistent with your boundaries. Don’t accept affection (dinners, favors, cuddle sessions she initiates, etc.) that you have no intention to reciprocating. If you don’t want it to be the type of relationship where you have dinner together, I think you need to refuse dinner, even if it happens to be convenient for your schedule. If you don’t intend to ever initiate cuddling with her, don’t just go with the flow when she initiates with you. And definitely keep this consistent from day to do- don’t be affectionate one day and standoffish the next. And of course- communicate!
That puts the ball in her court, and gives her to freedom to take or leave the relationship on its own terms. I don’t think a lopsided level of affection or desire is necessarily a dealbreaker- if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries, it’s totally up to her if she wants to continue.
I’ve never been able to work the balance. One night stand is one thing, but regularity always brings up more emotion to me. When I was younger I notice the emotion and move along pretty quickly. I really am clueless how some people manage it and maybe I’m just not cut out for it.
The few times I had a FWB I didn’t mind those moments you are talking about. If you can go all the way with someone (even if drunk) the steps along the way should be somewhat familiar and that should make it comfortable enough I’d think.
