What are the general boundaries of an FWB relationship? I know they vary couple by couple (ARE FWB’s a couple?), but I’m trying to get a sense of what the norm is. I read an earlier thread initiated by Ladymarmalade, and there was a post there about an FWB starting with a make-out session. But on other websites, I see posts that claim kissing is not the standard nor a wise idea in an FWB; apparently, some people view it as more intimate than sex, or as something that should be reserved for a romance, not an FWB. On one board, someone said that kissing is out for the same reason prostitutes don’t kiss: it connotes emotional intimacy. (I always thought the ban had to do with cold sores and bad breath.) How about hugs? Do FWB’s usually socialize with each other? If not, are they just FB’s?
I’ve been in an FWB for about six weeks with a guy I’ve worked with (and have had a good, friendly working relationship with) for years. I love kissing and find it great foreplay, but he is not very into it. That’s what got me wondering. I’m not in love with him (and vice-versa) but do like affection. I don’t want to overstep the boundaries of how this sort of relationship works, and I don’t want him to think that by pushing for kissing, I’m really pushing for love. ( I’m not.) The sex is great, BTW.
Do women tend to want kissing (I’ve read that male saliva contains traces of testosterone, which acts as a mild aphrodisiac.), while men do not?Is it off-limits in most FWB relationships? What’s been your experience?
Maybe you are just not compatible kissers. My husband is a very different kisser than me. So we will have the occassional makeout. But not often. I just don’t think he is a great kisser. He always wants to use too much tongue. Yuck! But of course we have talked about this in detail, so no big deal. There is no mystery. And we are hugely “ahem” compatible elsewhere.
Not to say that I think you are a bad kisser. But it might be a possibility that the two of you are just not compatible that way.
Part of me wants to say, that’s a nice problem to have. Another part of me wants to say, WTF!? Isn’t the point of FWB to not have to deal with this stuff all other couples do!?
But I have no experience and no useful advice, and I apologize.
That’s an intriguing possibility, but I’m not sensing that’s the case. Neither one of us is into tongue. When he has kissed me, he kisses like I do, I think. Just wondering if no-kissing is standard FWB procedure, as I’m new to this.
Part of me wants to say, that’s a nice problem to have. Another part of me wants to say, WTF!? Isn’t the point of FWB to not have to deal with this stuff all other couples do!?
Hey, could you clarify for me, Bup? What other “stuff all other couples do” are you referring to? Kissing? Is it nice not to have to deal with kissing? Just trying to get what you’re saying. Thanks.
I have had fuck buddies and serious relationships where the kissing varied from a ton to not as important. I think it had to do with how much each of us liked it as part of foreplay. If it got our motor running. I don’t think it had anything to do with the level of intimacy.
But, implicit in the fuck buddy arrangement is that you are engaging in it for sexual gratification. If you get sexual gratification from making out, that should be something he is willing to provide.
If you leave 10 minutes after sex is over, the 30 minutes of kissing beforehand isn’t going to make him think you are angling for a ring.
Friends-with-benefits are not the same as fuck-buddies. FWBs imply affection and the desire to see one another independent of sex, while FBs simply use one another to alleviate the need to go to a bar and pick up a stranger. FWBs simply decline to be exclusive; that is, both disavow any claim to be jealous if the other starts a relationship with another person
I had a FWB before marriage. We had sex, but the friendship was far more important. She could, for instance, call on me to come babysit her kids, or cry on my shoulder if her ex-husband was being a bastard without any expectation on my part that I was going to try to fuck her. I’d never do that with any woman I’ve used as a fuck-buddy, because I didn’t care about them.
I used the word used on purpose there, by the way. Fuck-buddy is a basically I-It relationship; you’re not treating the partner as anything but a free hooker. It’s callous and I think, basically wrong, but also less emotionally perilous than a friendship-with-benefits.
I agree with skald. For FB’s, there should be no hand wringing. But FWB’s are just that, friends first. As such, there is a lot more opportunity to cross that threshold of feeewings. But you should be comfortable enough to broach the topic.
Kissing has been involved in all my FWB/FB “relationships,” and my perception is that making out with FWBs is a pretty normal thing to do.
If you’re worried that he thinks you’re falling for him, a good way to prove him wrong would be to sleep with one or two of his friends, and make sure he finds out right away.
Actually I think it has more to do with Pretty Woman. Movies and TV shows tell us that prostitutes don’t kiss their customers. And a lot of prostitutes in turn don’t kiss their customers because they heard on movies and TV shows that prostitutes never kiss their customers.
It’s the same thing with criminals. The criminals you see in the movies and TV are supposedly based on real-life criminals. And those real-life criminals are acting like the criminals they see in the movies and TV.
You’re FBs if you just shag; that person may also be referred to as your “Booty Call.” If you are actual FWBs, then you are precisely what the name describes. You do whatever it is you do with the rest of your friends – go to movies, have drinks, bitch about work – except at some point, you make the beast with two backs. I prefer choosing a friend to have sex with to having a strict FB because 1) an FB is harder to come by. Some will say, “But it’s so much easier for a young woman!” Yes, it is, but what am I supposed to do? Go up to random guys and be like, “Eh, you want summa this? Yeah?” I’m so not gonna do that. 2) I feel much more comfortable taking my pants off around a friend of mine who I know is not some creepy weirdo, and it’s much easier for me to get into it with someone I know and like, than would be the case with some random.
I don’t know if kissing is a gender thing or not. I’ve only had one plain FB ever, and we didn’t kiss. I’m not sure if it would have been awkward if we had; it never came up. With FWBs, we’ve kissed all the time. It’s fun, and we both liked it. If he doesn’t like kissing, then don’t kiss. No big deal. If it really turns out that he thinks you’re falling in love with him, I’ll let you figure out how to make it clear to him that you’re not.
I’m not sure it’s helpful to ponder the boundaries of of some hypothetically typical FWB relationship, I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing. People and relationships and their boundaries are infinitely variable.
Break it down, and it’s “I want to kiss him, and he doesn’t want to kiss me”. While context can certainly be relevant, what it really comes down to is “I want something from him that he’s not willing to give me. Is it something I’m willing to live without?” Check yes or no, and proceed accordingly.
At the end of the day, no matter what kind of relationship it is, it has to meet your particular needs. As mentioned above the only thing that’s relevant about this particular type of relationship is that it’s meant to be easy.
Interesting anecdote about the sanctity of kissing.
Aria Giovanni is an adult film actress, who’s performed in dozens of hard-core sex scenes. But I saw her doing a non-porn movie where she was supposed to kiss her co-star. And in a “behind-the-scenes” feature you saw her telling the director that she had never kissed anyone onscreen before and she wasn’t sure how to do it.
I have no desire to be in a relationship. None. Could that change? Sure! But right now, no. What would be nice to have is a FB. Problem? It always seems like they eventually want more. I’ve heard men complain about this with women, but it goes the other way as well. I don’t know if it becomes a possessive thing or what, but it sure would be nice to find a guy who fits the bill without wanting more.
I really DON’T want more, if “more” means a romantic “dating,” possessive kind of relationship. This is actually more of a WFWB (work friends with benefits); we don’t socialize much outside of the office (unless you count sex as socializing). I’d be OK with being FB’s, if that’s what it is when there’s no kissing, but like most women I know, for me kissing is a very effective form of foreplay. Yowza!
I’d think guys would like kissing just because it gets a woman’s motor running–if he’s a good kisser, that is.
My long-time FWB didn’t like kissing, unless it was undeniably foreplay. No making out session, no random kissing while watching movies or hanguing out in the bar, nope. Just for the purpose of foreplay. He was a good kisser, too.
Some of my FBs kissed, others not, but in their case, again, it was strictly as foreplay. And I didn’t get (nor want) to hang around them long enough to try a make out session.
Just trying to get what you’re saying. Thanks.
