My turn to use MPSIMS as a diary...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Alright, this will probably get me stoned in here, but I trust you people enough to attempt to solicite some good advice.

Here’s the situation. I have a friend. This friend and I started out flirting, but eventually, I got to know him well enough to know that any kind of relationship wouldn’t work with him. I’m no suzy-sunshine, and the last thing I need is a relationship with someone more cynical than myself.

But it’s pretty obvious that he still has feelings for me. He is not one to talk about his feelings (another reason why a relationship would never work), and I really don’t think it’s fair to bring up the subject just to pull the chick-line: I think of you as a good friend, our friendship is too important, yada yada. However, I also feel that it is unfair of me to NOT communcate to him that in all likelyhood, I am not ever going to feel anything more for him than I do now.

He’s at school now, and I was hoping he’d meet some chick, but he called me last night, “just to talk.” While I love my friends, I rarely if ever call friends who have e-mail just to talk, and they even more rarely call me. The fact that it was the day before Valentine’s Day makes me feel that he may still have a thing for me. Trust me, I’m being practical here, not conceited. I can pretty much put this off until he comes home for vacation, but when he IS home, it stresses me out bigtime. I enjoy his company a lot, but am not attracted to him enough to have a purely sexual relationship, and anyone who knows us agrees any other kind of relationship would end up with one of us killing the other one.

So, how do I breech the subject? Do I breech it, or wait until he does, and then utter the much-hated phrase, “It’s not you, it’s me…” Trust me, I don’t lead him on, I am very aware of what I say when I’m around him to NOT lead him on. But what to do?

(and please don’t tell me what a bitch I am, I know this is unfair to him, which is why I want to resolve it.)

Why is it the ones I don’t want, want me, and the ones I do want leave? Feh.

Habit rules the unreflecting herd. - Wordsworth

2

From experience:

It’s kinder to broach the subject and sever ties NOW. Don’t keep him around because you like him as a friend; that’s inconsiderate of his feelings and, from his perspective, torture, if he has to hang back and keep quiet as you date others.

Don’t drag it out because you want to keep the friendship. That’s selfish. Better to just go your separate ways. In my experience, once one person has feelings for the other, it’s best to go all or nothing.

3

if the corny lines are what you really feel, then you’ll have to say them.
Tell him that it will not work, and though he may be hurt now it will save him in the long run before it develops further. but, hey, I’m single too, so, my advice aint great!!

J
Krusty Opinionated told me to use American Swear words. so I will.

“Bite Me”

4

Ask him if he’s seeing anyone. If he does have feelings for you, he will surely take this opportunity to tell you about it. If he does, you can go the “let’s just be friends” route. If he doesn’t say anything, you can either assume he’s not interested or that he may be, but also realizes the relationship wouldn’t work.

5

Tell him you think he’s an inconsiderate ugly prat, and that you are sickened by his presence. Trust me, when you’re getting shot down, it’s a lot easier to hear that than anything nice about yourself.

http://www.madpoet.com
Clerks - Just because they serve you doesn’t mean they like you.

6

While your suggestion is a good one, MadPoet, I think he likes me BECAUSE I am sarcasic and mean. He told me he was reading a book on physics and eastern thought, and I said “Eastern thought? YOU? Sure, that’s JUST up your alley…” Which he laughted at.

OK, phase two: should I call him and do the phone thing, or wait till he comes home? Over the phone/e-mail seems like a cop-out. Or should I just make up another guy and start a pretend relationship with my pretend guy?

Habit rules the unreflecting herd. - Wordsworth

7

I’m actually going to come in on the other side of things, SR. You are not responsible for your buds feelings. So long as you haven’t done anything to lead him on, it is not your problem if he’s carrying a torch.

Leave it up to him to make mention of his feelings, and if he does, be compassionate, honest, and blunt. Leave absolutely no room for him to think there’s a chance. It’s hard, because obviously, you don’t want to hurt someone you care about, but it is necessary.

For now, though, don’t borrow trouble.

8

Because I’m self-centered…(actually, because you guys give better advice then my friends…) I’m bumping this up. Now with phouka’s post, I’m all mixed up. I am want to go with him/her, but anyone else have imput?

On the devil’s advocate side, why am I responcible for someone else’s misguided emotions? I don’t tease him, I don’t treat him any differently then my other male friends. So why should I feel obligated to bring this up, when it’s HIS problem? ::duck, cover, and run::

Habit rules the unreflecting herd. - Wordsworth

9

Speaking from the vantage point of someone who has had to deal, time and time again, with women throwing themselves at him, I’d have to- no, wait. Sorry, that’s my rich fantasy life. Never mind.

Speaking from the vantage point of someone who might have been the piner once or twice, but never the pinee, I’d have to say it’s best to lay out your fears to him.

First point- make it sound like you’re worried that it’s a problem with your perception, not his actions. That gives him the out of saying, “Oh, I never meant for you to think that”, and change his behavior without being backed into a corner about how he ‘truly’ feels.

Second point- You’re smack dab in a mine field, and keep in mind that it isn’t your fault. I can’t say how he’ll react to the truth of your feelings- he may explode and resent you for years (been there); he may say he understands, but doesn’t change at all (done that); and he may be able to give up on that idea and simply deal with you as a good friend (bought the T-shirt). I’d say that the odds are that you’ll lose him as a friend for a time, maybe even for all time. But ignoring the situation might be construed by him as acceptance, which will only lead him to be more forward, and the eventual confrontation to be that much worse.

So, again, bring it up. But make it an argument about your perception, with you as the possible fault. If you say, “You’re doing this, and it makes me uncomftorable,” he’ll likely get defensive and angry. If you say, “I’m doing this, and it’s becoming a problem,” he’ll likely jump in with explanations and solutions, so it’s a much easier way to deal with things.

Anyways, that’s just some suggestions from someone who doesn’t know nearly enough about what’s going on. In my own life, let alone yours.

JMCJ

This is not a sig.

10

You could always change your name and move out of town. :slight_smile:

Tell him the cliche, " It’s not you, it’s me…no wait, it IS you."

Seriously, straightforward and honesty are the best approaches in life, I’ve discovered.

If those are a stretch, then go on a date with someone else, even only once and the next time this guy calls, tell him about it and rave about it ( even if it sucked) and perhaps he will get the clue.

If all else fails, get a dog or cat and name it " Julio" or " My boyfriend Eric" and say,
on the the phone to him, " Well, my boyfriend Eric is here and he wants to go out now." It wouldn’t be a lie…

(Personally, if you listened to anything I’ve put here, you need your head examined.)

11

So at one time, you did lead him on. In my experience, it’s a lot easier to get the train going than to stop it. By that I mean that you need to be as proactive in ending his attraction as you were when you initially encouraged it no matter how long ago that was.

Are you so careful around your other male friends? It may seem minimal to you, but people pick up on things. He obviously doesn’t know why you act hesitant when he’s around, but he has probably noticed it. Case in point: You know that he likes you even though he’s never said as much or you wouldn’t have posted this thread.

I agree with Shirley, you need to have the cajones to just tell the guy what you’re thinking. Tell him you like him but that you don’t feel it would work out. Then go dutch to a movie. He’ll know it isn’t going anywhere, but that you want to remain friends.

The worst thing you could do is tell him you’d like to remain friends if you don’t really mean it.

Good luck.

12

The imaginary boyfriend, by the way, is a great idea if your name is Chrissy or Janet, and Mr. Roper lives downstairs, but it’s ill-advised in real life.

Just be upfront with him. You’re not responsible for his emotional well-being – but you are responsible for your integrity.

  • Rick