OK, so I really need advice. I work with this charming fellow that will call “Paul.” New Years Eve, a bunch of us went out, got zonked, and I wasn’t about to drive home. Crashed at my friend’s house, and Paul, who also crashed at said friend’s house, and I ended up…well, it didn’t go “too far,” but it went.
And I did the dumb thing and didn’t address it the next morning, because we were at someone else’s house and she was with us all morning. We also didn’t talk about it the next day, which was really silly.
Recent events of late have reminded me how important it is to carpe diem. This fellow makes me laugh, is kind, smart and funny, and gives me butterflies in my stomach. I have resolved to ask said gentleman out for drinks after work, possibly tonight if I can build up my courage. However, I just don’t know how to address New Years. “Remember when we had that drunken grope fest? How much emotional value did you attach to it?” Somehow that just doesn’t work.
I’m scared he’ll say that there wasn’t any emotional value attached, and then I’ll have to work with him, knowing he knows that I think he’s dreamy. Oy. Nothing pisses me off more then condesention.
Advise me, my wise Dopers. Or just tell me I have nothing to worry about. Either or.
Trying to verbally quantify invested emotion from a drunken hanky panky session is all but guaranteed to leave both of you sitting on your hands, looking at the floor and ceiling, and muttering a lot of “well, um…well…”
Forget about NYE. Well, don’t forget about it, but don’t bring it up. Just ask him out for a drink. Let it go from there. If things again begin to unfold, then you can start with the questions–Are you seeing anyone?, Interested in relationship?, etc. Tell him what you want and/or expect (if anything at all).
Try to remain somewhat sober for this. Otherwise, tomorrow we’ll see a new thread called “How do you address multiple drunken hookups?”
Basically a long-winded “me too” answer here, but listen to mouthbreather.
If you want to ask him out, ask him out. The fact that you messed around before should only have done one of two things:
made him wonder if you are available
made him wonder when you two might go out and get drunk again, so either way, you’re set
Okay, I’m kidding [sub]mostly[/sub] so don’t worry about what “Paul” did or didn’t attach to your NYE tryst, especailly if you still spend all sorts of time with him anyway. If he was uncomfortable being around you after “that drunken grope fest,” you would know.
Swiddles, there is usually (about 90% of the time) no emotional value to random hookups. However, random hookups can LEAD to encounters that do have emotional value. Depending on how intensely you desire to be carpe diem-ing will determine the likelihood of this.
Ask him out for drinks. If he declines, he’s an asshole (who turns down drinks with a co-worker? Regardless of his attraction, this is something you just do.). At the end of the evening, depending on how things go, either ask him out for a weekend “thing”, or hint that you would like to be asked out for a weekend “thing” (“thing” meaning “date” or “date-like activity”). Let him know you are available, and hint at the fact that you like him. Its highly doubtful that its not mutual (its not a good thing to hook up with a co-worker you’re not attracted to in any way - and if this is the case, its not likely he’s talked to you, which doesn’t sound like its the case).
My GF of almost a year hooked up with me the first night we met, and we were far from sober. Luckily, I capitalized on the situation and followed up on it. You can make mention of the event and not harm your chances - its not a taboo subject. Hookups are fun. I hope the two of you had fun doing it. Hookups are also harmless, if taken for what they are. Good luck.
For a second I thought you were the type that hates glass rings on your coffee table. Then I remembered that actually reading the words involved helps…
OK, some clarification. He’s a pretty good friend of mine. This makes some things easier and some things tougher. [ul] [li]I know he’s interested in a relationship. He told me that he is tired of meaningless relationships and that he wants a girlfriend. []I’m 98% sure he isn’t seeing anyone seriously. Either he isn’t, or he stopped telling me about his dating life (which he was telling me about before NYE) because of NYE, which is also possible. []If he rejects me, I loose a friend, and work becomes uncomfortable. [/ul][/li]
There you go. Discuss.
I figured you had resigned yourself to the problems of the work relationship and now I find it’s also a taking the next step with a friend thing?!
<sheesh>
Either of those alone is a tough one, together, well, they sometimes become better, but it is an entirely different thing…wait, maybe not.
Let’s see, you work with this guy, but he’s also your friend and you hang out socially. You’ve already determined that you are at least somewhat interested in each other (NYE, aka: “that drunken grope fest”) and you’re pretty sure he’s not seeing anyone.
Go. Scoot. Get your little butt over there and ask him out. There is nothing like the disappointment/irritation of hearing months or years later “You know I really had a thing for you back then, I wonder why we never got together?”
Absolutely incorrect. You make entirely too many assumptions here. I made that same assumption a year and a half ago, and lost a great friend. Why? Because of that assumption. If I had decided that I was going to be big about being rejected after trying to take the next step with a friend of mine, I would still have a really good friend. Instead, I decided I was going to go all or nothing. I got nothing.
There are two extremely important things that you MUST remember in this:
Friends are not, and do not become, condescending.
All or something is infinitely better than all or nothing.
Once went to a party. Both myself and a Gorgeous Blue-Eyed Diva got wildly drunk and ended up sharing a ceiling, so to speak. Even though both of us Never Do That Kind Of Thing.
A few days later I phoned her with my speech, saying that I thought it would be good to meet up, go for a drink, chat, because very often that kind of thing (that neither of us ever does) can lead to all sorts of negativity and awkwardness, and I didn’t want that to happen, and if theere were any ‘issues’ hanging over then I wanted to see if I could clear them up. I happened to have 2 tickets for a good play as well, so that it turned into a theatre date.
Turned into a very happy, enduring and successful relationship. Go for it!
There’s also the chance that this guy has thought about taking it further, but doesn’t want to suggest anything for fear of seeming pushy.
I did this once–had a drunken hook-up with someone when what I would have truly liked was to develop a real relationship with him, slowly.
In my case, I sent him a card–not that I’m suggesting you do that, but maybe the metaphor I used would be helpful. I told him that I found him interesting and stimulating and wanted to get to know him better, but what we did on New Year’s Eve felt like having our dessert before dinner. It was good, no doubt about that, but it wasn’t the way to do it. Let’s start over, with appetizers, and see what, if anything, develops. At the very least, we’ll be good friends who don’t have to avoid each other over the New Year’s Eve episode.
Nothing developed with the guy in the end, but we were both so relieved it was SAID.
Ok, first of all, no matter what anybody says, The drunk man’s words are the sober man’s thoughts.
Obviously the guy has at least SOME interest in you, or else that wouldn’t have happened. I’ve never been so drunk that I’d hook up with a girl that sober I’d say “OMG, I’d never do that!” And there are worse things in life than knowing an aristocratically (haha) attractive girl thinks you’re “dreamy.”
I think carpe-ing the diem is the right thing to do. You don’t want to spend a year dancing around it only to realize a year later “Wow, we’ve both been secretly crazy about each other this whole time!!!”
