Okay, I wouldn’t normally air my problems this openly in public but I really need some advice, tips, views, help, WHATEVER just to clear my head on something, and maybe some older, more experienced people can tell me what I should do.
Well, on NYE I lost my virginity to a guy I didn’t know [yeah, please spare me the comments, I’ve heard it enough, I don’t need to feel worse about myself], and he seemed pretty fond of me and gave me his number etc. So he calls me and asks me out this friday. I say, cool, sure. So he calls me and says he can’t make it because he is working on friday, BUT, his friend is in the background saying that he doesn’t have to work or whatever and B [the guy] says that his friend is just trying to get him into trouble and he does really have to work and that we’ll go out the next friday and that he’ll call me. Now, what I want to know is, have I been had? Will he stick to his plans and go out with me, or was I just a one night thing? Cuz if I was, I’m going to break his fucking arms and legs…calms down…I just feel really worthless right now and want to know what this guy is thinking and how he feels about me and if anyone thinks he does like me and does want to go out with me or if he’s just saying that. Yeah, I think you all get the idea, I’ll stop rambling. Thanks.
Now, some parts of the story need details, although they may be painful. Were you drunk when you had sex with this guy? I only ask because that may have some bearing on his mental state and his emotional age.
I tend to think that since he called, he was serious about wanting to go out again. He didn’t have to call at all. It would not be the first time a guy asked for a number in post-coital bliss only to “lose” it permanently after the sex hangover went away.
So far as his friend, we all know that friends can be really stupid sometimes. They do incredibly immature and sometimes embarassing things. I would just pretend I hadn’t heard it. UNLESS–did the guy laugh along with his friend in the background and then tell you that his friend was just trying to get him in trouble? That will tell you much right there. His friend may have just been messing with you. However, if he was laughing too and wasn’t upset by his friends’ comments, could be that he’s trying for the blowoff.
Lastly, was this sex consensual? I don’t really mean to pry but you sound very regretful and it worries me.
We both weren’t drunk, and it was consensual. And I regret it because I did it with a guy I didn’t know and should have waited, because I didn’t want this to happen.
About his friend being stupid part, B didn’t laugh along but told him to shut up then told me that his friend was just trying to get him into trouble.
Well, I feel much better about the whole situation now, Doll. Did he call you back later after the stupid friend incident? If so, I’d say that’s a good thing. While it may be true that he wants to get together again for a little of the same action as the first time, he sounds like he just might be genuinely interested. Sorry about your regret, though. Hopefully, this will turn out good and you will no longer regret it!
Well, please let us know (or you can just let me know if you don’t want everyone to know–I’m really interested now) how things turn out with B. He doesn’t sound all bad to me but I wasn’t there for the conversations.
Also, I know I’m going to get flamed for this but I just have to say it: losing your virginity isn’t always something special that needs a special person. In fact, I’ll wager that for most people it wasn’t anything close. True, it would be nice if it could always be with someone we deeply care about and they us, but like life in general, sometimes shit happens. I lost my virginity to a guy who turned out to be a complete psycho and I didn’t enjoy it at all. Has that affected the rest of my life? Nope. In fact, I barely remember the guy and remember less about that day.
My point is, I am really sorry that your first time was not with the person you had hoped it would be (or at least the type of person, for example: a steady boyfriend) but it will be okay, I promise. (You used protection, right?)
Hold your head up and be proud of who you are because no matter what you do in life, you have done it and you should always have pride in that. Feel good about yourself for the things you do as long as you are not hurting anyone else. Regret only harms, it can never help.
Have you ever heard of a band called Pulp? they have a song called “do you remember the first time?”
The chorus goes like this
Do you remember the first time?
I can’t remember a worse time
but you know that we’ve changed so much since then,
You may ask why I’m quoting British indie band lyrics at you. Thats a good question. here’s my answer.
Very, very often, your first time blows. I’m sure that 80% of the board will back me up. You may regret doing it, but don’t worry about it. It was only one time. There will be better times a head. Look forward to the first time you make love to someone you are in love with. That is infinitely more sentimental than your “first time”.
Chalk this experience up to education.
The lucky ones have their first time with the one they love, and never feel like regretting it. Oh, it isn’t perfect, and you go through half a box of condoms because you’re both virgins and can’t get the damned thing on right, and keep having to try another one, and when you finally DO he’s gone all floppy and you have to start over at the beginning, and then you finally get everything working and he’s inside you, and it hurts a little but it’s okay, and then, then your mother comes home, so you stop and don’t get a chance to do anything again that day, neither one of you has come, and you are forever doomed to be confused about just when you really lost it, but you both think it’s funny and keep laughing, and you don’t regret a thing.
Of course, then, after a year and a half together, he decides the night before Thanksgiving, “Oops, guess I don’t love you after all, sorry about all that” and then on Christmas you end up fucking him again anyway, not because you’re horny but because he is, and you missed being able to hold him, and then, THEN you learn what regret is all about…
Ah. Sorry about that.
Broken Doll, I’m sorry your first time wasn’t all you wanted it to be. I do agree with the others, who say if he wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t have called. I wish you luck.
Or maybe you could wait a day or two and then call him…everything being equal and all. You might get a much better feel for the situation that way, too.
I’m sorry to hear of your discomfort BD. As you now know it’s an emotional time and it’s certainly made no easier when you have the 'will he call/is he sincere" doubts hanging over you. But I can say that the fact he called is a very good sign.
It very well may be that he wants to see you again with an eye to a relationship. However he may just be looking ofr more sex too. I say this not to dash your hopes but rather to encourage you to ask yourself what your expectations are. What do you want from him? And is it HIM or is it a general expectation?
Ignore the friend’s comments: Aussie males are sarcastic and insensitive at the best of times and especially when their mate is on the phone to a girl. They think it’s funny.
Regardless I hope it works out well. Remember that at the end of the day though you don’t rely on other’s for your happiness. They complement rather than provide.
Here if you ever want to talk.
{{{{{{Broken Doll}}}}}}}}
Good luck. My thoughts are with you.
1934: ** Jerry Siegal and artist Jose Shuster created "Superman,"**, The first movie of the sun was taken , Germany signed a 10-year non-aggression pact with Poland, Switzerland banned all slanderous criticism of state institutions in the press and threatened the suspension of publications if the ban was not heeded, Bonnie & Clyde go on a rampage that ends with them shot almost 50 times, John Dillinger is shot and killed, Hollywood introduced Technicolor to the big screen
[Edited by Coldfire on 01-04-2001 at 08:14 AM]
Man oh man…I’m sorry that your first time happened this way, BD. I know it’s probably no comfort, but as many here have already said, pretty much everyone’s first time isn’t very good. Telling the story of my first time takes longer than my actual first time, if you get my drift.
Everyone’s right, the fact that he called you is indeed a good sign. The buddy in the background was almost certainly just trying to embarrass his friend; I wouldn’t give that a second thought.
Now, time for harsh realities: women be different from men, especially when it comes to sex (I know, “Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious!”, but bear with me). In general, sex carries far more emotional attachments for women, particularly the first sexual encounter. You may be hoping for more than the guy is willing to give, and you shouldn’t be surprised if your brief encounter didn’t mean as much to him as it did to you. That said, I should mention the possibility that the phone call was a way for him to relieve his own nagging conscience. Should that be the case, take some small comfort in the fact that, inasmuch as he HAS a conscience, he’s at least something of a decent guy, although one unwilling to commit to a girl he shared only a few hours with.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. We’re all here for ya, doll.
Thanks everyone, I’ve been thinking about it and although I’m possibly overreacting, I told myself a few days ago that if he didn’t call at all, it wouldn’t bother me. I guess it bothers me more than I’m willing to let myself believe. If it was just a night of kissing and messing around, I’d be taking it easier, but I lost my virginity and I’d been saving it for a long time. I guess I’m too melodramatic, but it hurts when you feel used.
He might still call me and we might still go out, so I guess I just have to wait and see what happens, huh?
Unplanned sex: Possibly bad
Phone call: Good
Lost virginity: Push
A word of explaination – By using the term “unplanned” I don’t mean to infer “non-safe” sex, but sex before you have at least a modicum of knowledge about your partner. IMO, first time sex is always better when it’s discussed before hand. Impulsive sex is best once you’ve mastered the mechanics of the act and have a basic knowledge of what your partner likes and expects.
That being said, Max propounded:
In general, men never have a nagging conscience after any kind of consentual sex.
If I’m remembering correctly, your birthday is this weekend. Does he know that?
He probably does indeed have to work, but he should at least call you and talk for a while. That he’s already called once is good.
I’m sorry that your first time wasn’t exactly the magic experience that everyone hopes for, but as the other posters have mentioned, that needn’t really matter. Your first experience with someone that you are in love with will be a good memory that you’ll have the rest of your life, and it’s still something to look forward to.
I’m here to talk, or just to listen, if you need me.
You shouldn’t feel bad about what happened so don’t be too hard on yourself. I (like many others) think it was a good sign that he called you and I hope he calls you again and you go out… if that’s what you want. Don’t speculate on what’s going to happen with this guy and don’t be down on yourself because your first time wasn’t what you hoped it would be. Respect yourself, be proud of your decisions and follow your instincts and you can’t go wrong.
Handy, don’t be such an asshole. She asked for advice on the guy, not recrimination and an STD scare.
Anyway, who voted you the official SDMB STD counselor? Got something you wanna tell us?
[sub]BTW, I’m not advocating unsafe sex, just saying that Handy is going a little overboard here.[/sub]
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Broken Doll, the fact that he called is good. The fact that you were both sober is good. I do agree with dpr that he may think of you as a sure thing from now on. If you do end up going out, make sure he knows that just because you gave it up once doesn’t mean you are again.
