Well, I don’t doubt that a lot of people are cheating, but… I don’t see that as a reason to not trust someone. If a woman I’m dating wants to cheat on me, I figure she’s gonna. No amount of me trying to check up on her or attempting to put restrictions on what she can do is going to change that. I mean, is someone who plans to sleep with another guy going to ask me “hey, this guy I know is gay, and there’s not much room there, mind if I sleep in the same bed with him while I’m visiting?” and if I say no think “OK, guess I can’t cheat now”? :dubious:
So I’d rather just trust someone if I’m in a relationship with them, and if I get cheated on, so be it, and end it. Because worrying about it just isn’t any fun.
K, so I asked the husband. He said, ‘‘Well… I trust you. I guess I’d feel kind of weird if either of you were at any point naked or just sleeping in your underwear, but otherwise it’s not really a big deal.’’
It was not hard for me to ‘‘reverse’’ the question for his consideration, since my best friend, conveniently, is a lesbian. I would probably not even think twice about it if he slept in the same bed as my best friend–in fact, he probably has at some point, and I know I have at some point in our marriage. Same goes for any of the other lesbians we know.
We’ve discussed it, and I guess what it comes down to, comfort-level wise, is whether or not we both know, very well, the other person. For example, I’d much rather he sleep with my best friend than some chick he just met last month. Regardless, it might ping some slight feelings of jealousy but not anything to make a big deal out of.
Thought I wanted to add, I don’t think this is only an issue of trust and nothing more. I think it’s more about intimacy, and intimacy is possible without sex. The idea of my husband being so intimate with someone else is what’s truly unnerving. I guess the reason it doesn’t matter for our friends is because we already do have a degree of intimacy with them.
Honestly I had a bigger problem with this, in my head, until I used some real-life examples. Then I realized it was kind of silly to worry about.
I think you’re right about the intimacy issue. I wonder if the people objecting to sharing a bed would have as much problem sharing a blanket watching a movie on the coutch and falling asleep with a head in the lap. A pretty common senario for me and my friends who tend to include drinking with our movie watching.
So would two people falling asleep as mentioned be as bad as two people sharing a bed but seprate blankets and not touching (king sized bed)?
I’m of the opinion that neither is bad as long as the intimacy shared is the same as they would typicall share as friends and not the intimacy of lovers/SOs
I’m fine with it so long as they’re both wearing PJ’s. I might think it’s a little unusual, since that’s not a choice I would make, but there is no implicit betrayal going on.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHHAHAAHHAH. Good one.
Look, ladies. The point is, a gay man can still impregnate your wife. Sure, she says he’s gay, but you’ve never met him. How do you know it’s not an elaborate plot to steal your baby-maker from you? It’s simple, really. Uncerteainty of paternity = unease over situation. The greater the uncertainty, the greater the unease. The husband of the OP doesn’t know the guy, so he’s creeped out by it. If he knew the guy and was sure he (or she) wouldn’t try something, I bet he’d be better about it.
This is all on the emotional/psychological level. This may not pass the rationality test, but that’s never been a limiting factor in human actions before. How much you trust your spouse only matters in what you’ll say out loud about the sleeping arrangement, not the general idea/opinion about it.
You know, oredigger, that’s an interesting point. I have to say that I would indeed be uncomfortable finding my husband in that scenario (and I think he would say the same). We just don’t have friends with which we have that level of physical intimacy, although we do have good friends that we would allow to sleep in our bed while we bunk down elsewhere. (Again, not entirely comfortable, because that’s OUR bed, our place, but it’s what we do as hosts when the situation warrants it.) Heck, I’ve been a little weirded out to wake up in the morning and find my sister sleeping next to me and DH on the couch because the cat peed on her bed.
This probably is a large part of why I feel the way I do about the situation. With my circle of close friends, we are very physically affectionate. Lots of hugs, head on shoulder resting, head in lap and so on. Personal space is pretty much non-existant. One married female friend of mine napped on my lap and no one, including her husband, really thought anything of it.
Sharing a bed because we need some sleep really is just no big deal.
Can someone explain sleeping as an intimate act? I don’t get it. It’s a biological function. I’ve living my SO for two years. Being in bed can be intimate, but sleeping? He snores. And drools. I’m sure I do to. Not that I dislike sleeping with him. I find his presence comforting. But not in an intimate way, in a I don’t like sleeping in a room alone way.
Eh, I’ve tried to articulate this several times now and can’t find the right words. It has to do with trust and vulnerability and ultimate relaxation. It’s almost a primitive thing, at least for me…there are people with whom I could not relax enough to fall asleep with.
Then there’s the physical closeness aspect of it - I’m not comfortable cuddling or snuggling with anyone besides my husband, but others have said they’re very physically comfortable with their friends. On the few times I’ve had friends spend the night, I get fully dressed before I see them in the morning. I don’t feel comfortable running around in my nightclothes, no matter how non-revealing they may be.
So you would have no problem if your SO slept with a football team as long as you knew she wouldn’t get pregnant? sterilized, IUD, pill, box of condoms?
Is babymaker your habitual cutesy nickname for her or do you save that only for special romantic moments?
And there was VCO3 thinking that he was old school. Top this one VCO3!
Yes, he does. He was the best man at our wedding. We have stayed at each others’ houses with our SOs, so they are well acquainted. I have never slept in bed with him since I’ve been with Mike, so it’s never been a trust violation on my part, but they do know each other.
Your perspective sounds a lot more passive than the way you actually interact with a spouse. Yes, you have no control over what another person does, but not stepping over boundaries in a marriage is more active than the partners simply trusting each other, then they each go their own way and do whatever they please.
I do not snuggle with my friend. We never did once touch each other when we were in the bed. Seriously, I don’t snuggle with anyone but my husband, and even if I was single and so was my friend, it’s just not like that. I’m not really a touchy-feely type except with my SO. THAT sort of thing I could understand if he had a problem with. Seriously, it was all about the business of sleep.
I guess I consider sleep a necessary evil, not an intimate act. I have trouble sleeping, and always have, since birth, pretty much. I just want to get in there and do the best I can, which is often pretty crappy. To me, there’s nothing romantic about it. I can understand why older couples wind up with separate bedrooms, actually. Combine a light sleeper who has chronic insomnia and early waking issues (me) with a heavy snorer and blanket stealer with restless leg syndrome (husband), and you have a recipe for disaster, eh?
I figure it’s part of marriage to compromise on these things. If we were just dating, I don’t know if I’d be so willing to give in on something that to me is totally innocent. I’m glad it’s a non-issue now, but this discussion has been quite interesting to me.
I’ve gone on plenty of camping trips but none of them involved sharing sleeping space with another woman while my wife wasn’t around.
I suppose I’m in the “sacred bed” camp. I view the bed as a rather intimate place, one that I’ve been unwilling to share with anyone but a S.O. since I hit puberty, and I’d be rather upset if my wife shared that space with another man. Even if I’m not knocking boots with the woman in question I’m still sharing some rather intimate space.
I don’t pretend that my way is the one true way and I see where many of you are coming from. I hope that you guys can see where many of us are coming from as well.
Well, no. It’s more passive (kind of an uncharitable way to characterize it; I prefer ‘accepting’) than the way you interact with your spouse (apparently). I’ll freely admit I’ve never been married, but given the wide range of opinions from married folk in this thread, clearly there’s no single way a person interacts with their spouse that applies to all marriages.