Faithful for ten years, married for three, and I have been known to go to the all night drugstore for female stuff (plugs or pads? Both? Need a heating pad?).
I once heard it said that getting a man to be monogamous is like getting a bear to ride a bicycle–sure, you can do it, but it ain’t natural. In general (but certainly not universally true), women feel like they are gaining something by committing to a relationship, while men feel they are giving something up.
I have been in a very loving relationship for quite some time now, and I see it going the distance. However, there are times when I get to know someone and realize that I would really like it to go further. Not just for the sex, but the whole emotional closeness. I don’t pursue it, because I know that Tamara is the one for me, but it can be painful sometimes. Some would tell me that this means I don’t really love her, but I disagree.
In other words, the “I love you, I really do” and the “I just need space” may be the best approximation of the truth he can muster. Emotions are a really heterogeneous thing, and we get in trouble when we try to cram them into pre-defined cubbyholes.
Then again, he may just be a grade-A jerk.
Dr. J
Everything MaxTheVool said, then some more. 
I may not know much, but I do know this: You can’t hunt down love. When love senses a hunter it can hide beter than any other quarry in the known universe. The only way to catch love is to accidently drop a gallon of milk on it’s foot in the supermarket. Love looks up and POW - you’re done for.
'nuff said,
punk snot dead,
broccoli! (has an IQ of 10)
Kitty,
Let me ask you - do you think the guys you see here at SDMB are decent, or are we just phonies? We're the same guys you see every day.Kitty,
Maybe you don’t want a female answer, but as mostly guys are answering, here’s a look from your side of the fence.
I, too, have been dumped and I thought I’d never find someone again because all the guys out there were insensitive, ignorant jerks and I was going to have a happy life without them.
As trite as it seems, I need male influence in my life. Even my current best friend is a male.
There are always going to be cruel people. To tell you the absolute truth, I see just as many nice guys who have cheating, nagging witches for girlfriends and I wonder what in the world they are doing in that relationship. And when they get dumped, I wonder why they couldn’t see it coming. It happens to everyone, regardless of gender.
I know this won’t soothe your feelings, and I’m very sorry your hurting–I’ve been there. But you have to let yourself heal and move on…if you let yourself become embittered and vitriolic towards everyone else as a result of this, you might miss out on one of the greatest, most loving relationships anyone has ever seen.
It may seem like a long shot right now, but to me, it’s a chance worth taking. I took that chance, and I am happier than I’ve ever been. I realize my situation may change, but if it does, I will heal and move on, not blame the entire male race for my failed relationship and keep blaming them throughout my life, effectively making myself miserable.
Best wishes to you, hon (((((Fairy Princess Kitty))))) and if that guy was a jerk, don’t let him break your heart. Jerks are never worth that.
If you ever need to talk, my email address is in my profile.
to “BOYS! Yuck”
It sounds like that’s all you’ve been describing.
Men are completely different. I’ve known 35 year-old boys, and 16 year-old men. It’s not about age, it’s about maturity, responsibility and attitude.
For all the women (not “girls”) who are tired of boys, try a man from time to time. You might find yourself pleasantly surprised.
Or you could try a goat. We’re much better than “Men”. 
I’ve always drawn the guys/men dichotomy myself, but I think I like yours better - same rules apply, and there’s less arguing semantics.
I also agree w/ you 100%.
</blatant sucking up>
Although it seems somewhat jerklike to do anything other than comfort someone who is as unhappy as FPK obviously is (hey, perhaps I am a jerk! ), I would like to make the following observation:
So, FPK and this guy were in a relationship. Then it ended. Then, despite the fact that she was still in love with him, he didn’t want to get back together, and told her so.
Where’s anyone being a jerk? Or is there more to the story? Because if he didn’t cheat/lie/use her just for sex, well, relationships don’t work out sometimes, and that doesn’t make either participant a jerk. Which doesn’t make the pain any less, but it doesn’t do any good to call someone an asshole just because they don’t love you.
Max… you want the gory details? I’ll give them to you, maybe I am over reacting but maybe I’m not, I’ll let you be the judge. I’m not particularly torn up that he doesn’t love me, I could deal with that, I have dealt with it with other guys before, it’s no big deal. The thing is that when we broke up the forst time I was miserable, I mean out of the blue after seven and a half months and with such a lame excuse hit me pretty hard. I got over it, I went out with another guy. I realized it wasn’t going to work so we broke up, we’re still friends in an odd sort of way. But then we had a nice long talk, me and the first guy, we had quite a few nice long talks, we worked out our differences, or so he led me to believe… and we agreed to get back together. In due time, that is, long complicated story but it ends up we were going to wait a couple weeks to get back together “officially.” So then as my best friend told me last night he got all the perks of being a boyfriend without actually being a boyfriend. ALL the perks, hence why I think he’s a horny bastard that loved me for what he could do with me not for me. Then like a few days after it’s “official” or whatever, he comes up with all his needing space and time and all of that. Do you all give me permission to get him a gift wrapped dead rat for christmas?
Kitty
I suggest you give him NO present. Why waste paper? I also humbly suggest you give him no more time or attention. He may call you in a few weeks or months, pining to get back together, all the right lies in all the right places, horny as an eighteen point buck in the spring (and probably drunk). Do you know how you’ll react after this temporary aching is over? Be strong, and remember to breath. Take some time for yourself.
Kitty,
The guy is an immature jerk who told you what you wanted to hear to get what he wanted. The best you can do is to learn from this experience, move on, and remember that you have plenty of chances to find someone who will give you what you need. In the words of a cheesy '80’s t-shirt: “Before you find the price you have to kiss a lot of frogs.” There are alot of guys out there and some will work out some won’t. Don’t let this experience spoil you on all guys. Keep your eyes open and you will find what you are looking for. As for your other question, honestly, don’t you think the dead rat deserves better?
Kitty,
The guy is an immature jerk who told you what you wanted to hear to get what he wanted. The best you can do is to learn from this experience, move on, and remember that you have plenty of chances to find someone who will give you what you need. In the words of a cheesy '80’s t-shirt: “Before you find the prince you have to kiss a lot of frogs.” There are alot of guys out there and some will work out some won’t. Don’t let this experience spoil you on all guys. Keep your eyes open and you will find what you are looking for. As for your other question, honestly, don’t you think the dead rat deserves better?
damn, hit the worng button. Sorry.
I think he deserves a few live ones instead.
Señor Juan
Hi FPK, that sucks. It happened to me last year and while I’m definitely over the guy, the rejection is probably going to haunt me for a while.
Here is my problem with nice guys. I’ve been the veteran of many crushes on nice guys. I meet them all the time. The problem is that things never get off the ground because they’re too nice, or too shy, or something. I’ve been interested in a nice one since I first noticed him at the end of October. (I also may be sacrificing any chance I ever had with him by posting this, so I hope it helps somebody, somewhere.) He’s got all the things I like, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s able to laugh at himself, and he’s kinda cute. I think that he is interested in me. The pattern so far is quite typical. He responds fairly regularly to email. He calls if I specifically tell him it’s all right with me. If I suggest something he’s all over it. This is encouraging, however it is a double-edged sword because I know that he’s nice to lots of people, even those he doesn’t particularly like all the time.
So, how do I know if he’s actually interested in me, or if he’s just being nice because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings? I don’t, because like many nice guys, he hasn’t taken any risks. I’ve placed myself squarely in his path, made it clear that I like spending time alone with him, but I can’t do much more of that without getting something spontaneous, instead of reciprocated, from him. By spontaneous I don’t mean flowers or declarations of undying love (although * like* could be nice). I mean an email or phone call to say hi, or to ask me if I have a free Saturday night sometime soon. I hope this makes as much sense to the rest of you as it does in my head. After a while it starts to feel like playing tennis against a wall instead of another person. The ball always comes back but there’s no change unless I initiate it. I’ve lost interest in more nice guys than I can count because of this phenomenon. I’ve ended up with a lot of great nice guy friends in the process, but they missed the boat with me, and continue to miss it with other women for the same reasons.
I have a couple of bad boys on tap that I hang out with occasionally. Why do I do this? Because they are good for my ego. There is absolutely no question in my mind when I’m with them that they are interested in me. Will I ever have a relationship with them? NO. I don’t intend to ever even kiss them. They make me feel good in the moment, but I don’t trust them on any level. They are more like friendly, flirtatious adversaries. I didn’t understand the difference until a few years ago.
I don’t want an adversary, I want a partner, a friend, and a lover. I think a “nice guy” would work well in that capacity, but a “nice guy” has yet to hold my attention long enough to find out.
Why not wait until Valentine’s Day, and send him:
::drum roll::
a beautifully wrapped sheep’s heart (available at your local butcher)
Darling, don’t call all guys rotten just because one was. You’re young yet. I acted the same way when I was your age (dang, I probably sound like my mother). It gets better. Trust me. If you swear off men you’ll be missing opportunities to find new love. Believe it or not, there are a LOT of guys out there!! :^)
Give it time, and forget that other guy. Maybe he’ll even come around, but you never know.
(((hugs)))
Geez, a lot happened while I was typing that. Don’t give him anything. Good, bad or otherwise, paying attention to him will only keep him in your head longer than he needs to be.
To get him out of your head, I humbly suggest a couple of girlfriends, a stupid movie and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
dustMagnate, I wish I could, but you know it is a Christmas party after all and I love Christmas, it the one season that I truly believed nothing could ruin for me. I can’t miss the party because my best friends are going to be there, and what better time to practice being strong? Getting him nothing would soothe my feelings but I’d feel bad about it afterwards.
Juan, I don’t trust him with anything that breathes, besides rodents are kinda cute, he doesn’t deserve any.
Slackergirl, I feel for you, don’t you just hate it how you can get all sorts of attention from the wrong guys but when you really fall for a nice guy he just won’t react? that was my situation last Christmas, now the guy is one of my best friends, I love him to death and if he asked me out I’d be ecstatic but it doesn’t look likely. Ben & Jerry’s has done a number on me in the past, never get anything a gallon or bigger, cuz you can’t get yourself to stop when you’re depressed, never again will I eat that much Cherry Garcia.
blessedwolf, good idea, I just might try that.
Welfy, thanks big sister, I’ll try to keep my chin up for you.
evilskippy, it’s like being dragged around on a leash isn’t it?
Kitty