So at my new job, we have an office clerk who is mentally retarded. He does simple jobs around the office (messenger duty, straightforward photocopying jobs, etc.), but he has a fair amount of time on his hands, because his intellectual abilities are such that the vast majority of even relatively menial clerical tasks aren’t things we can have him do, because they are too complex for him.
Now he seems like a really nice guy, and he seems really lonely and constantly chats with whomever walks into his work area (which is next to the photocopier). I spend a fair amount of time in his work area, but frankly I don’t have the time to schmooze with him, as I have a ton of work to do that was backlogged before I even started here a couple of months ago. (The people who were previously in my position didn’t know what they were doing, so work has been piling up for some time, and it will take me a while to slog through all of it until we are up-to-date.) Plus the things he likes to chat about, namely cheesy TV series and old movies and Hollywood celebrities and such, aren’t things I’d want to chat about even with someone with whom I have anything in common, and even if I had a ton of free time on my hands in the workplace.
So far, I’ve tried saying “sorry, but I’m really busy and can’t chat right now, plus I really don’t have an opinion on the 1956 version of Superman or whatever,” but the expression I get in response is one that would normally emanate from a kicked puppy. I am busy, but I’m not totally heartless, - but on the other hand, the guy doesn’t seem to understand that just because he doesn’t have a ton of stuff to do, that doesn’t mean that I also have a ton of free time to chat about Bradgelina with him.
So, any ideas on how I can be respectful to this guy, for whom I feel rather sorry, and still get my work done and not be tortured by trying to make small talk about boring crap that I wouldn’t even talk about with close friends, let alone someone with whom I essentially have no relationship?
How about when you do want to chat, go there with coffee mug in hand? He’ll soon associate you visiting with coffee cup as time to chat (q.v. Pavlov). And sneak him some of your cookies from time to time.
Is he satisfied with eye contact, smiles and nods from you, or does he expect you to participate in a discussion?
I like Quartz’s idea. Take him cookies and maybe he’ll be too busy chewing to chat. Or give him the latest issue of People magazine. “I’m too busy to talk right now, but I thought you’d be interested in this.”
Does he always want to talk about the same things? There is a bag boy at the super market I frequent that never recalls that he has had exactly the same 3 conversations with me about once a month for the last 2 years. Conversation #1 is about my dogs if I have them on the coffee shop patio with me. Conversation #2 is about my sidecar rig if I driving that. Conversation #3 is about how nice the weather is. (when it is)
Anyway, Since I CAN recall the past incarnations of these conversations, I can do them on autopilot, and make them last only a few seconds, without hurting his feelings. Costs me nothing, and makes the kid feel good for a few seconds. Win-win.
It is likely that you can end a conversation in a way that would be rude to a “normal” but just fine with this guy. “No, I’ve never seen that movie, but maybe I’ll have to look for it at the rental place. Hey, nice talking to you, you have a great day, bye-bye!” Said in an upbeat way, with a nice smile, that could even make the guy’s day.
Also, as he is under worked, are there things you could have him do for you that might not actually save you time, but wouldn’t cost you any time either? Maybe help you carry copies back to your desk, or just get you a cup of coffee while you run the machine? Stuff that might seem condescending to others could well make this guy feel more needed. There is a school of thought that treating the mentally handicapped like kids is somehow demeaning…but if they mentally ARE kids, and it is OK to treat kids like that…I don’t see the problem.
Since you’re new in the office, it might be a good idea to take your cue from the other folks in the office, especially those who are in good with the boss. How do they intereract with him? You don’t want to have a reputation as the heartless one, then it turns out the big boss is very committed to helping the mentally handicapped. Figure out what the norm is, and go with that. You’re already way more productive than the last person, so even with a few extra Britney and K-Fed moments you’ll probably still be ahead of the game.
I had one of those brain flatulence moments reading the OP where I thought it was written by you, Eve, instead of Eva Luna. I was quite confused when I thought I was reading that you have no interest in old movies and Hollywood celebrities!
I really have nothing to add to the good advice already given. Be gentle and sweet, and don’t worry if it seems like you’re having the same conversation in fast forward that you have every day. Oftentimes people with developmental delays are comforted by routine, and you just need to fill that role for a few moments to make his anxiety decrease and his mood increase.
You can’t be friends with everyone who wants to be friends with everyone. They can drive you nuts and make you feel bad, as you found out.
My local one is our non-handicapped office assistant. She should never have been hired, since there’s not a full job of things she can do. Wants to only talk about animals she has or once had or wants to have but can’t care for, etc. But I don’t have any advice how to duck these needy people, except to ignore them a lot.
I’ve an idea: why don’t you put on a pair of headphones before you go to his area? Then you can just smile and shake your head when he tries to speak to you.
Better yet, why not carry on an imaginary conversation with the time & weather number on your cell phone?
My bro-in-law is like that. The solution: go on the offensive. Walk in and shoot first. You make the questions, you choose the topic, you can easily jump to the “that’s awesome, really funny. It is good seing you, man. Talk to you later”. Speed is your friend. You blink, you listen to TV nostalgia hell for the next hour.
Well, as someone whose former job could be characterized as being the person who helped this guy get his job, I have a few questions.
How long has he worked there?
Do you know the history of how he got the job?
Does he have anyone come in from an outside organization who just drops by and sees how he is getting along (usually called a “Job Coach” or “employment specialist”)?
Sounds to me as though two things are going on. One, he can handle the tasks of his job as they are just fine, but that the work culture and unspoken social rules elude him. A good employment specialist should help their client figure out those social norms, but of course we don’t know if he ahs one.
Secondly, he’s bored. That means he needs more work. I know that it seems as though he has limited capacity, and that he can only handle “menial” tasks, but that doesn’t mean he can’t learn more. If he does have a job coach, perhaps that person could be onsite more just while he learns some new things. Or, maybe there is someone at work who does have the time to train him on something new. It seems daunting, but if the instruction is set up in such a way that it makes use of reinforcers and cues that make sense to him (called ‘systematic instruction’), he’ll learn new things. After all, he learned the things he does now, right?
As for what to do to make your interactions with him briefer, I would just suggest, “Hey, Joe, it’s great to talk to you but I really have to get back to work.” Or, whatever you woudl say or do with a non-MR coworker.
I’ve got a mentally slow friend who I grew up with (I’ve known for over 30 years) and he likes to talk about cars, cars, cars, etc. He’ll get you on the hook for 10-15 minutes without you getting a word in edgewise.
But he is a person.
He knows when you’re rude to him and it could make him feel bad if you’re overly abrupt with him.
He just doesn’t realise that his excitement about a particular topic (Cars!) is not shared by me (at least not all the time, although I have engaged in the topic when I had a legitimate desire to) or most people for that matter. The good news is, he does have other interests that you can talk about if you bring them up, like Mariah Carey, taking pictures, going biking, girls, stuff like that.
So, my advice to the OP is to look around and try to see what else the guy has intersts in, or just ask him. If you engage in a lesser (for him) topic other that the usual (Hollywood) stuff the conversation won’t last as long and you’ll learn something about him. He won’t think you’re trying to avoid him and you’ll both win.
I found if you make time maybe once a week for the 15 minute conversation you won’t be blasted with the same old out-of-the-blue stuff all the time.
Another tip, if you need the conversation to end it’ll help if you can bring up a topic that causes playful embarrassment. Like asking him if he has a girlfriend. It looks like you’re still focused on him but his desire to continue the conversation suddenty stops.
I agree—everything that a person might consider “difficult behavior” is a way of trying to get a need met. In his case, it’s a need for social interaction, most likely, and the above strategy will both feed that and help the OP avoid topics that aren’t as riveting for her.
But I also think someone should be looking at expanding his work duties. Not necessarily the OP, of course, but someone.
FWIW it is less offensive to cut off a conversation if you cut your own talking off. That is, start saying something and walk away while you’re saying it.
And I think it’s possible to like somebody without liking spending time with them - sort of an appreciation, maybe. So taking the most optimistic possible view and walking away smiling could still leave him feeling OK, or at least better.
But this does sound like just a difficult situation with no ideal resolution.
Well, I used to work for a local nonprofit that did a lot of that sort of thing, so I totally understand where this is all coming from. I’m sympathetic to his situation, but by the same token, I need to get my own stuff done.
A long time - 15 years?
No, but I imagine it would be very simple for me to find out. Other attorneys in my office handle things like family law and guardianship issues; his parents (now dead - part of the reason he is so lonely; he talks often about how much he misses them and wishes he could take back arguments he had with them while they were alive) may have been clients, but I’m not sure. But the office is very socially conscious in general; there’s certainly no economic reason to keep him around that I’m aware of. And frankly, the social consciousness is one of the things I really like about the place.
Not that I’ve seen so far.
Absolutely. I’m no mental health specialist, but he remembers things that are important to him in astonishing detail (the years movies came out, actors’ biographies, etc.) in astonishing detail. But tasks as simple as figuring the correct amount of postage to put on a letter elude him.
Agreed, and I do give the guy credit for reading newspapers during his downtime and trying to understand what’s going on in the world. But as far as I can tell, everyone else seems pretty busy, and personally I would have no idea how to approach a task like that.
That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing, but it seems to me that it hurts his feelings, which I’d like to avoid if at all possible.
Wow, Eva Luna, I hope you don’t think I was suggesting that you should be the one to take this guy’s career path on. I know that you have your own job to do, and I really give you a lot of credit for even thinking so carefully about how to get your job done when it means breaking it to this guy that he has to end a conversation.
I think that Napier had good suggestions about how to gracefully exit. But just like with any other person you come into contact with, there’s no way to really change how he reacts to you and your need to get back to work. How long have you yourself been at this job? Maybe with time he’ll clue in that you have x seconds to talk to him when you come back into his area and it will let up. Or maybe with time, someone else in the office will let you in on some tactics that they themselves use to curtail conversations. I don’t know. I would think that a nice, “Gee, Joe, I love talking to you, but I really do need to get back to work” would suffice but, again, you can’t control whether he gets his feelings hurt.
