Microagressions, political correctness, innate bias, and hypersensitivity.

In My Humble Opinion
281

I think that’s where the value in talking about microaggressions comes in. Ignorance is not completely inevitable. Some of this stuff isn’t intuitive to someone in the more privileged position, so when minorities explain why it sucks, that’s an opportunity for learning and change.

I remember explaining to a guy I briefly dated how much I hate when strangers (always men) tell me to smile. “Smile, it’s not so bad” is usually how the schtick goes. Few things annoy me as much as this; it’s one of those “microaggressions” I refuse to play along with in the moment. Tell me to smile and it’s the surest way to get me to not smile. You become dead to me.

The guy I explained this to didn’t argue with me, but he confessed to not seeing what the big deal was. He didn’t see the sexism behind it either. Until shortly thereafter, he came across an online article that criticized the “smile” phenomenon. The piece was written by a man who had perpetrated this microaggression all of his life without thinking about it. The writer had the revelation as to how inappropriate this was when a close female friend, shortly after learning of her mother’s death, had been treated to “smile” from a man on the street. It opened his eyes as to how disrespectful it is to implicitly have your emotions and personal autonomy dismissed by someone who doesn’t even know you. Men don’t tell other men to smile, either. Women not only are expected to absorb these thoughtless intrusions without complaint, they are expected to play along like good sports. It is a textbook case of microaggression.

The guy I dated told me that he “got it” after reading that article. Perhaps he wouldn’t have even read that article if we hadn’t discussed the issue beforehand, I don’t know. But it does make me feel good to know he won’t be guilty of doing this anymore, and perhaps he will also persuade other men to stop this schtick.

It is such a small thing, but it really does matter.

282

Micro “aggression” may not be the right term if you honestly don’t mean any offense. I am a curious person. I have (or would have) a tendency to ask or comment on someone’s skin tone or accent or texture of their hair, asking just because I’m curious, no aggression at all. But I’ve read/seen/heard enough accounts that lots of people feel a bit odd when people make such comments so I don’t make such comments. Without being in the situation yourself you don’t really know how such comments make you feel. I find it best/easiest just to listen to people. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you or even if you have no bad intentions, why not simply believe what people tell you and try to be polite, try not to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone uncomfortable?

283

I don’t either, FWIW. That I had freely chosen to live in Japan didn’t mean that nothing that happened there ever bothered me – there were certainly times when it was annoying that I couldn’t just go about my daily business without being treated like a performing monkey or something. This annoyance was usually minor at best, but as I said above, this was at least in part because my situation was a temporary one. It’s one thing to be treated as “exotic” for a year or two while in a foreign country, but I imagine it’s rather different to be treated that way throughout your life in the place you’re actually from or have made your long-term residence.

284

I used to be told to smile more all the time - when I was a little kid. As I recall, it was something me and my friends used to complain about, so it wasn’t just me. Hasn’t happened to me since… probably puberty. So, the whole telling random women to smile thing has a whole layer of infantilization laid over it, in addition to its other problems.

285

Exactly. “I know nothing about you or your life, but my assessment is more valid than yours. If I don’t perceive any reason for you to be unhappy, there is no reason for you to be unhappy.”

You see it played out even more intensely among some fundamentalist sects with “keep sweet” and similar admonishments. The feelings of girls and women are trifles, and if a man doesn’t validate them, they don’t exist.

286

Plus a dash of “Make me feel confident in my masculinity by acting submissive and eager to please. Because when you promptly smile at my command, it tells me you think I’m important enough to obey. Your actual emotional state is irrelevant to me because it hasn’t even cross my mind that you actually exist beyond this little exchange of ours.”

287

This, to me, gets at the issue.

In the US, as someone who belongs, when people meet me, they meet me as a person. They meet me as a human being with my own story. I could be local, I could be from rural Minnesota, I could be an heiress, I could have grown up in abject poverty., maybe I speak French, maybe I speak Swahili. when I go to the store to buy tomatoes, nobody presumes to know these things about me. And if we do get to talking, people are interested in hearing about my actual life.

In China, I was rarely “Sven”-- Sven from California. Sven who speaks Pulaar and Sichuanhua. Sven who, as a child, would sometimes pretend to be camping when the lights got shut off due to unpaid bills.

In China, when I went to the store to buy tomatoes- every time I did everyday tasks- I would hear and overhear a whole novel about myself. But it wasn’t about me. I, as a person, had nothing to do with this person that was, somehow, also me. I was a living projection of all kinds of random ideas about foreigner. Sven, myself, the human being, played little part in how people interacted with me.

I don’t understand what they are saying. I am fabulously wealthy. I am sexually open. I am a Christian. I struggle to use chopsticks. I cannot tolerate spicy food. I miss my family. I am very brave. I am loving and kind. I love China. I have an irrational hatred of China. I am a spy. I am a teacher. What do I eat? Seriously, what do I eat?!

Like, when it is dinner time, what do I eat?

But how do I eat it when I can’t tolerate spicy food or use chopsticks?

It’s annoying. It’s dehumanizing. I chose it, but I certainly didn’t choose it for a second longer than I had committed to.

288

Yeah, I think this is a major component of it in those fundamentalist circles I mentioned above. A woman’s role is to be compliant and sweet and helpful to men.

Anecdotally (and I freely admit this may be just my perception), I’ve been the target of homeless men yelling at me when I didn’t respond to their begging or conversational gambits, and I’ve seen other women get yelled at. I can’t remember seeing it happen to a man. It could be confirmation bias, though.

289

I’m trying to think if a woman has ever told me to smile.

I mean, I know they did when I was a kid. I had a solemn face, especially as a teenager, and I remember female teachers pointing it out all the time. It wasn’t really annoying as much as perplexing.

The most recent incident I can think of is something that happened about 7 years ago. I stepped on a city bus and the female bus driver reached over and touched the frown lines on my forehead. She said something like “Don’t be frowning your face up like that, baby. Only I can be that mean looking.” I remember this because I remember telling someone about it afterwards and we laughed. It wasn’t annoying. Just kind of crazy and sweet.

But I hate when a guy says something like “It can’t be THAT bad. SMILE!” This bothers me in a way that the bus driver’s remark didn’t. And I really don’t know why, because it is essentially the same comment.

290

Confirmation bias, jsgoddess, though you being a “frail female” may give them a feeling they can scare you. Tell them to fuck off. Or ignore them. I avoid causing and receiving a lot of micro-aggressions (unrequested diet advice, mostly) by ignoring the people around me, and my middle finger gets a workout regularly. Remember, though, that homeless panhandlers are often crazy, and yelling at you is a regular aggression.

I have a question for the recipients of micro-aggressions in this thread. There isn’t much you can do to raise the consciousness of crazy street people, but do you try it on people you know? A simple, “I’d rather you didn’t do that,” to start? You don’t have to remain polite every time; it may end with, “The next time you do that I will tell the cops you tried to grope me.” (That’s my wife’s line.) They may call you names and never speak to you again, so that’s good.

ETA: As for being told to smile, women tell me to smile all the time. Comes from being serious-minded, regardless the gender, but it does seem it’s one gender telling the other, not same to same.

291

But it IS different in different places. In some places, outsiders are treated more or less respectfully. In others, it’s cool to point and laugh at people on the street for being different.

292

Just curious: are these randoms strangers? In talking about this issue with male friends, they’ve told me that generally the “smile” command isn’t direct at them, but when it is, it’s usually an acquaintance, co-worker, relative, or friend.

293

I’m confused. I wouldn’t call “groping” a microaggression. I would save a threat like “I’ll tell the cops” for an aggression-aggression, not a microaggression. Maybe I’m being whooshed?

I think the problem I encounter with gentle education is that it is often awkward to point out something that even you know is a small slight. If someone is paying you what you know is a sincere compliment, how do you educate that person about how off-key that compliment sounds without embarrassing them? And also, maybe you aren’t instantly bothered, and it’s only when you’ve had time to reflect on what they said that you realize what the implication was. Pulling them to the side after the fact would just make things weird–like you’re just looking for things to nitpick.

But if you wait till a comment actually punches your button and you react in a negative fashion, THEN you look hypersensitive. So the offender never learns what he or she did wrong. They just walk away thinking you’re overly sensitive or crazy (like when the guy made fun of my hair after I laughed at all of his other ribbing).

Which is why this kind of thread has the potential to help a lot of people. Maybe there’s a guy reading this thread who didn’t realize how telling women to “SMILE” is often perceived, and now he will think twice before doing it. One less person unknowingly causing microaggressions around the place is a good thing.

294

In response to the comments of the lady bus driver, well, she was not trying to be patronizing or dismissive so probably/maybe that is why she didn’t bother you.

In response to how to talk to people who make insensitive remarks, idk, but I think a lot of it is your attitude/intent. If I had a coworker or neighbor who complained regularly about how unstable and disruptive bipolar people were I would probably say to them, nicely, “not all of us are disruptive and unstable. But I understand if you know someone like that it could be quite frustrating. Just remember we are all individuals and you can’t stereotype.” I hope that would work. But I rarely have to put up with people making bad comments about me being a member of a certain group so I have no experience with trying to inform/educate people.

As to your comment, do threads like these help people change, well, I have changed A LOT from threads and blogs and videos like this over the past 5 years. I hope it is not patronizing for me to say that I am sorry people still have to put up with it and I’ve allways taken your comments and concerns very seriously. So please don’t think it is hopeless. People do change.

295

It’s not good if that person is in a position of authority over you, such as a professor (if you’re a student) or supervisor (if you’re a professional).

Threatening to falsely accuse someone of sexual assault also strikes me as a bad idea in general, regardless of the nature of your relationship with the other person. And if you were referring to cases where a groping has actually occurred, that’s not a microaggression.

296

I’m sure a guy who says “Smile!” does not think he is being patronizing or dismissive either. He says “Smile!” because he thinks this is a good way to show friendliness and maybe start up a conversation.

Rarely does a microaggressor have bad intentions. That is the crux of the matter. Someone who says “Where are you REALLY from?” thinks they are just being curious and friendly. They are totally unaware of the feelings such a question can generate.

When I was a teenager working at an amusement park, I once bumped into a guy who had to have been the tallest guy I’d ever seen in my life up to that point. Like freakishly tall. And I said, “Wow! Has anyone ever told you that you should play basketball?” Without skipping a beat, the guy snapped, “No. No one has EVER said that to me before. You’re so smart!” Talk about embarrassed. And I so deserved it! But my intentions were 100% pure. I didn’t mean anything bad by that remark. I thought I was being clever. But none of that mattered to that guy’s frayed nerves. Now I understand.

297

But how can it be called an aggression if no aggression was meant? Possibly I am being overly technical here. And I am not denying it is annoying to hear such remarks.

298

If you don’t like “microaggression”, substitute “paper cut” or “careless comment” or “stupid question”.

Seriously, I don’t know why people are hung up on the word so much. We’re talking about things that people say that hurt others feelings only in aggregate. “Microaggression” just happens to be the word that was chosen to describe this. If you can come up with a better word, just use that.

299

It doesn’t at least not for me and I don’t mean that as a slight against you or anyone else. The only thing I have taken from it so far is that you can offend or cause psychological harm in ways that you not only weren’t aware of, but could not be aware of because the possibilities are infinite and vary by person.

As a person that isn’t especially strong socially in conventional ways to begin with, I don’t find the general argument helpful at all. If I took the advise to heart, I would end up just not saying anything to anyone that I didn’t know very well and would actively avoid people from different backgrounds which I think is the exact opposite of the larger goal and one that I do not believe in.

The only thing I can take from it are things that I already knew quite well - don’t be an intentional jerk, try to treat others with respect but, if they misinterpret sincere good intentions, that is more their issue than mine.

BTW, I am a 42 year professional white male and people tell me to smile all the time especially at work. I usually do give a sincere one because I think it is funny and good advice when things aren’t really that bad. I have had days when I probably would have punched a stranger in the face if they said it to me at the wrong time but those are few and far between. Almost all of the complaints about ‘micro-aggressions’ aren’t unique to women or minorities nor are they aggressions at all. They are just indicators of social awkwardness that occurs between people of all types through no fault of anyone. There is no educating them away because there is no clear problem to solve and no way to instruct people to avoid it completely.

If you think differently, please describe what that syllabus would look like. Here is my take.

  1. Different groups of people have differing cultural norms - Ok, easy enough. I think everyone already knows that.

  2. Individuals within every group also differ on their expected social interactions - Complicated but still fairly easy to teach.

  3. Basic rules for social interaction - We are good here too. There are already courses for this.

  4. Identifying and avoiding stereotyping among groups - A little harder but doable.

  5. Customizing social interactions to your audience of one - Some people find that difficult but it can be taught to some degree.

  6. Micro-aggressions - Anticipating unknown preferences of all types so as not to offend your audience of one - ???. This one is still impossible unless you are clairvoyant and it probably still won’t work in all cases. There is no way to teach that or even address it in a real way. The only practical thing that I learned from this thread is not to use certain phrases that I don’t use anyway. Is there going to be an exhaustive list or reference book that I can use as a tool? The ‘Don’t be a jerk’ rule doesn’t work if you have no idea that a particular person finds something ‘aggressive’ or offensive when it wasn’t meant that way. The only workable solution is to force everyone to act only within a carefully socially engineered role and only interact with other people in prescribed ways when necessary.

300

I don’t struggle much, at all, with the term microaggression. I had a lot of difficulty, a lot, initially, with the term white privilege. Some of these terms make people feel defensive but truth be told, in order to not offend some people, you would probably have to use words so innocuous that they would have no real impact/relevance.