You get the concept of good clothes (well, at least some of you do). So why can’t you get the concept that some towels are nicer than others, and are not to be used to soak up a leak from the toilet? (We’re trying to get the toilet replaced, but that’s another rant) Why do you have to use the nice towels I had hanging in the bathroom for that, instead of walking a few feet to the linen closet and finding a ratty old towel?
Why do you throw your leftover toast in the sink instead of the garbage? Were you raised in a BARN where nobody cares about picking wet stuff (ew!) out of the sink? And you threw it in the side of the sink with no garbage disposal, to boot! Don’t throw food in that side of the sink! It’s better all around to just throw it in the garbage before it can get all wet and slimy sitting in the sink, and somebody (probably me) has to reach in there and pick it out and throw it away. I should rub your nose in the gross wet gunk in the drain!
On average, we are shorter than you. That means that we probably don’t walk as fast. Especially when we’re wearing high heels and we don’t normally wear heels. WAIT FOR US! And don’t keep moving but just go a little slower when I tell you to wait for me. I can’t walk at my normal speed in these damn heels! STOP and let me catch up! You can jog in place if you want, but STOP MOVING.
I feel a little better now. Let’s hear everybody else’s rants about stuff that members of the opposite sex do.
Women: The doorway is a stupid place to hold a conversation. No-one can get in or out while you’re yapping away. If you’ve thought of something that needs to be said, go back and say it. Your legs won’t fall off if you have to retrace a few precious steps.
Please tell this to my mother-in-law. Also that it’s an especially bad idea to do this in the doorway of a house that has pets that are not allowed outside unsupervised.
Guys, you don’t need to give out full sentences - all I require (and most women I’ve talked to about this) is the Grunt of Acknowledgement when I’ve said something to you, letting me know that you actually heard me. If I don’t get the GofA, you’re going to get the Repetition With Louder Voice, and you are NOT allowed to give me attitude if you didn’t acknowledge you heard it the first time.
Women:That little bottle of perfume is not a single use container – it is not necessary to use all of it at once. I don’t need to smell you coming from a block away while upwind.
Although I’m a gay guy, I still appreciate your more pleasant smells, especially a well-formulated perfume.
Do not bath, shower in it or put it on without having showered. Putting it on unwashed doesn’t hide anything, it just creates a combination that together is exponentially more stinky. Which leads me to . . . .
Do not mix every different fragrance you own. Using differently scented shampoo, hair gel/hair spray, lip gloss, deodorant, body lotion, perfume, etc. just creates a cacaphonous puke-sensation and is akin to an orchestra eternally warming up. You’ve lost me before the performance because nothing ever actually blends and harmonizes.
I am sorry that I cannot be enthusiastic about the new televisions. As far as I can tell, they do the same things the old ones did, except now we need two remotes to turn the noise down. Also, now you want to spend more for hi-def, Netflix, a new cable to connect the computer to the TV, etc. I would be way more excited about watching stuff with you if A., you didn’t change the channel every thirty seconds, and B., you turned the TV completely off once in a while.
Also, I have noticed that you cannot drive from Anywhere to Anywhere Else without getting completely pissed off. This is not the fault of all the other drivers in the world.
This might only be specific to my wife (and I shudder to think what she might rant in reply, beginning with the snoring), but:
Since i cannot hear your internal monologue, and don’t know which former conversation you might be referring to (and probably couldn’t recall it, in any case), please phrase your question in the form of a complete, self-contained statement that an impartial observer, newly arrived, can understand. If you say “What if we tried blue?” I don’t know if you’re referring to the color you want our bedroom, the car you want to buy, which Lysol you want to buy, or which of Foster’s Imaginary Friends you prefer.
I’m truly sorry that in your dream, I was having sex with your sister. Being that I’ve done so neither in real life nor in my own dreams, it hardly seems fair that you be pissed at me all morning.
THIS! With great emphasis, this. Acknowledging that words have been spoken takes such a minute amount of effort, and will in the long-run be infinitely less annoying than hearing me repeat myself three times.
Me too. The wondering part, that is, not the smelling part.
Do the various scents have to fit together, much in the same way that certain foods go together well? Are White Diamonds and lavendar the olfactory equivelent of vanilla ice cream and ketchup?
Men! Please *listen *the first time. When I have said something and you are right next to me in the damn room, and you say “What?” after I have even taken the trouble to get your attention first, don’t look confused when I get irritated at having to repeat it.
when a man says “I don’t care” it means “I don’t care - pick whatever style of silverware/tablecloth/whatever you want - I have no emotional investment in it.”
It does NOT mean “you are nothing to me and frankly I’d be amazed if I even remember your ugly ass in 6 months let alone the fuckin’ drapes”
If you say "I don’t care” we will believe you mean “I don’t care - pick whatever style of screwdrivers/table-saw/whatever you want - I have no emotional investment in it.”
We will NOT interpret it as "I cannot believe you didn’t care about the drapes! How do YOU like it?! You should be getting upset - why AREN’T you UPSET?!”
Quit wasting our money buying those fancy towels just to hang in the bathroom and no one is allowed to use. (Besides all that fancy satin inlay, embrodry and fu-fu stuff makes them usless to use).
Same goes with the cute little soaps by the sink we aren’t allowed to use or the pretty candles we aren’t allowed to light.
Get stuff that is practical and useful.
Thank you,
The Men
Oh and learn to give and take proper directions…and which way is North
Men can’t leave anything alone. They always have to be “engineering” or “inspecting,” “adjusting,” “rigging” something.
I went river tubing with my husband and my adult son. Could we just laze on down the river? Heck, no.
First we had to tie the tubes together. That involved a lengthy discussion about what type of rope to use. Then we had to discuss the merits of in-a-row vs. circle.
Of course there was the deal about the water jug and how well it would keep from leaking, how to tie it, who was going to watch it.
Once in the water it was unneccessary paddling to avoid running into the river bank or downed trees. “Why don’t we just run into the river bank and let the river pull us away again or paddle only if we get stuck.” Nope. “Someone has to navigate,” was the pronouncement.
Later it was about splashing and squirting water from the fist. Then there was the tube kicking fight. . .
Two hours later it was start looking for our landing, stretched necks, standing up and then paddling like crazy in case we overshot so the last fifteen minutes were a frenzy of concentrating on “hitting the mark” without error.
No wonder husbands die before their spouses! Relax, Dudes. No need to impress or caretake. Join me in relax mode, yeah?
Next time I go I’m taking a bevy of lazy widows with me.
And another thing. (Is this true to form or what? )
When I buy you a thirty-five dollar fishing shirt for Father’s Day it’s because that rag you’ve been wearing looks like sumpin you shouldn’t be wearing. Besides it doesn’t have all those cool loops and zippers and little pockets that make you look hip and kewl.
I’d like you to actually wear it fishing, not save it “for good” and then slip it on before we go out to dinner.
)