OK, people who use “legendary” as a synonym for “famous”:
I realize that if you look under “legendary” in the dictionary, one definition will be “famous.” But really, not every famous person is “legendary.” And really, persons so famous as to have legend about them are very few.
Paul Bunyan is legendary. Robin Hood is legendary. If you want to go with that usage, Katharine Hepburn could be considered “legendary.” I don’t use the word that way, but I don’t fuss too much.
But I’m driving home from the dentist tonight, and on the radio comes a commercial for a summer concert for “the legendary Gordon Lightfoot.” Dude’s OK and all, nothing against him, but he is NOT FUCKING LEGENDARY. Get a vocabulary.
Your car alarm has gone off 11 - oh, now 12 - times in the last two hours. You are right in front of my window. It is late, and the last week before finals.
My apartment smells like chemicals because of the work they are doing on the unit above. I would like to have my window open, but you, inconsiderate fuckstain, have set your car alarm to go off when butterflies fart.
I’m not particularly sensitive to fumes, but if I wake up with a pounding headache tomorrow I’m fucked. And even having the window closed doesn’t help much with the noise.
I’m considering going out and leaving a note. On the middle of the back seat.
(Not really.)
I only hope your battery runs down to nothing soon.
Oh, my lovely employer. I do enjoy working here, and I am aware that budget cuts have grown into budget gashes, but please STOP with the friggin e-mails.
“Don’t worry, we’re not going to cut staff” followed by “Worry, we have to cut 1/3 of staff”.
Next day: “We misspoke, retirement and not filling positions means no lay offs”.
Later in the day: “Erm, well, maybe we’ll have to cut only 1/4 of all staff, but we’re not sure”.
This has been going on for the last year. Federal cuts (papercuts of doooom) have left us short. The state and county have kicked in just enough to keep the department staffed at decent levels. Now the state just doesn’t have the money, we’re told.
MAKE UP MY FUCKING MIND WHETHER I NEED TO LOOK FOR A NEW JOB!
I’ve been saving this one up for a while. I don’t think it’s quite worthy of a Pit Rant on its own, but I feel the need to bitch and whine.
I Pit motorists who are too stupid to understand the concept of crosswalks. I say fuck you to them three times. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you the first: Assnuggets that don’t get the concept of the stop line. These rectal fuckbombs usually stop at a light fully beyond the stop line and right smack in the middle of the crosswalk. This forces me (and other pedestrians) to either walk out into the middle of the intersection or weave through cars.
Fuck you the second: Sphincter droppings exiting the parking garage. Yes, I understand that it’s difficult to see through other cars to see if there is a break in traffic. Yes, I understand that it’s rush hour and you have to sneak out into the street where opportunity allows. But if you’re going to pull out onto the sidewalk and completely block my path (forcing me to either walk through part of the parking garage or out into the busy street), at least PRETEND that you’re concerned about not running me over.
Fuck you the third: Steaming dogstools pulling out of the side street and into traffic and turning right. Would it kill you to look somewhere other than to your left to see if there might be someone in the crosswalk? You know, actually acknowledge the person you’re about to mow down? For that matter, could you at least give a courtesy slow-down when you get to the stop sign?
Nothing better to start off one’s working day than passing a kidney stone,especially when one has a bid response to complete and deliver by 10:30 AM. Yee Hah.
And now the flipside of tdn’s rant. I pit idiotic pedestrians who don’t understand the concept of a crosswalk and jaywalk across a busy city street while the light is green. Fuck you, dumbshit, this isn’t the middle of nowhere where you might not have a crosswalk. The damn crosswalk is seven feet away. Would it kill you to walk a few extra feet? It may kill you to not do so.
My biggest pet peeve is the people who do the above while walking their toddlers to the day care on 3rd Street. Are you really out of your fucking mind? Its bad enough to risk your life because you are lazy and stupid, but to risk your kid’s life? That really pisses me off.
Another pet peeve is people who cross the crosswalk without looking usually when the signal tells them to stop.
I pit the local Tim Horton’s for a) forgetting the donut that came with my chili combo and b) also forgetting the butter and knife for roll.
I also pit myself for being too damn lazy to walk all the way back over there to yell at them over this. Mostly because I’m really hungry and tired and cranky. Plus they’d probably spit on my donut.
Dear Teeth,
Fuck you. If you insist on being shitty, could you at least respond appropriately to the normal injected numbing medication, so you can be repaired before you felt the need to cause me incredible pain? If you could do that, just once in a while, you wouldn’t be ground down a nub, have your nerves yanked out, and eventually covered with porcelain-coated gold. Also, I wouldn’t cover you with stomach acid because the super-duper industrial grade numbing meds piss off Tummy. Seriously. If the remaining 24 un-root-canalled of you try to behave from now on, you might not all end up in a biohazard box one day.
Dear Tummy,
Stop barfing. Now. The evil drill was no where near you, so just knock it the hell off right now. If you don’t stop long enough for the compazine to take effect, Asshole will hate you, because antinausea suppositories make asshole itch. None of us want Asshole angry, so stop indulging Gag Reflex’s whims, mmmkay?
Dear Gums,
Thank you for being healthy and problem free. Dr New Dentist commented on your healthy happy pink unpuffy non-receedingness. Please try to explain to Teeth and Tummy how nice it is to be healthy and cooperative.
OHMIGOD WOULD YOU PEOPLE PLEASE QUIT MOWING?!? The entire friggin’ evening has been set to a chorus of lawnmowers (or else one particular neighbour has felt the need to mow his lawn over and over and over and over…). I love nice spring/summer evenings, and I understand the need to mow your lawn, and I realize you’re not into noise bylaw violation time yet, but three hours of it is enough already. Can’t you people mow on Saturday afternoon like everyone else?
And my addition to the pedestrian/crosswalk/vehicle conflict is asshole pedestrians who stand on the sidewalk right at the crosswalk, with no intention of crossing the street. In this city, it’s a $500 fine for me if I drive through a crosswalk with a pedestrian attempting to cross; do you think you can find somewhere else to stand and pick your ass, please? You’re confusing the drivers who are trying to co-exist with pedes (and not get $500 tickets).
You created a 3 mile “crawl” to work today because you were rubbernecking? Yes, there was an accident. Yes, there were quite a few cars on the median, and some firetrucks and police vehicles. No, nothing was in the way in the road. Why the fuck did we go 5 miles per hour with stop and go bullshit for three miles?!? You asscookies almost made me late for work today with the extra ten minutes that got pushed into my commute time.
Dear friends: yes, I have a cell phone. no, I don’t currently have a job. no, this does NOT mean that I’m available 24-7 to assist with things you CANNOT do because you have a job, nor do I want to do your SHIT WORK for peanuts, NOR am I socially obligated to see you whenever YOU want because I have nothing better to do. No, my unemployed life is actually full of such things as helping work-from-home SO with his job, doing my laundry, and… wait? maybe…? ENJOYING MYSELF! Maybe YOU have a problem that I’m out here ENJOYING my unemployment while you’re slaving away at your bullshit marketing job for just over minimum wage, but I am not one to be jealous of. Trust me! My life does not revolve around fitting around your life that you’re trying so desperately to convince me is better than my own!
Dopers who use cutesy names (especially ones based on their usernames) to refer to their SO’s and other family members.
“Yeah, me and neutron starlette took the doe-eyed little neutrinos to the park and we all had a grand old time together!”
This is*** nauseating***, people!
Worse is the person (maybe more than one person) who I won’t single out, but who refers to her husband as “Himself.” As in, “I took Himself to the grocery store.” You might not realize that you sound so unbelievably stupid that you actually make people cringe involuntarily every time they read that shit, but you do. You really do. And to always capitalize it like that? Are you one of those fruit loops who thinks she married Jesus or what?
“Himself” is (or at least used to be) a common Irish term used to refer to a husband, or the head of a household. My wife used to use it occasionally, although usually as a joke.
I once saw someone wearing a green polo shirt with Himself in Gaelic-style lettering over the pocket, and used to kid my wife about trying to find one for me.
Well golly gee… what else are we supposed to use when referring to them?
He’s not my BF - we outgrew that one about 6 months into the relationship
He’s not my husband - we’re not married
He’s not my fiance - we’re not engaged
I despise the terms SO or common-law spouse, and refuse to use either.
So, unless you’ve got suggestions as to what IS appropriate, I guess we’ll have to settle with me using the cutesy nickname, and you taking some Gravol to deal with the nausea.
(in case anyone is curious, IRL I get around this by referring to him by his first name… but that’s info I don’t feel like posting regularly on an anonymous message board)
How about “my old man”? I’ve always liked that one.
Of course, there is the ambiguity that you might be talking about your father. Ball and chain? No, that usually refers to women. “That guy who’s always in my house?” POSSLQ? Or should that be PODSLQ? Or you could just call him by a made up first name - we won’t know the difference.
