Fuck my car. MY antenna broke off yesterday and today it decided to smell like the inside of a rhino ass. How does a car randomly start smelling like a rotting aborted monkey fetus was sown into my seats? I haven’t had food in it for a while. Maybe somebody is fucking with me, but I don’t know anybody here well enough that this would be funny or to have a grudge against me.
Hey, garbagemen! Can you possibly hold off anchoring your claw truck to the asphalt for three seconds so I can get by you to park my car one block over? No? You want me to go four blocks out of my way to get to my space? Thanks, you’re so thoughty.
Hey, assholes living in the trashy rental houses! You ever think of getting a trash can so the city doesn’t have to use a claw truck that has to be anchored to the road, thereby blocking it, in order to pick up your bagless trash? No? You ain’t classy enough for one of them fancy trash holdin’ thangies? Fuck you and your inbred mama. Way to hold up the stereotypes of the coastal plains.
Hey, homeless people! How’s about you stop ripping open trash bags and strewing garbage all over the sides of the road so that the city has to use a claw truck to pick it up?
Band name!
I feel bad for co-signing on this mini rant, but amen amen amen. Sweet Jesus, amen.
I feel better now.
Do you save paper by bringing your own reusable bags to the grocery store?
Not as much as you could when you buy two items, and they give you your receipt on two feet of register tape.
Is the term " 'im indoors" somehow related? This one bugs me, too. It sounds like a phrase used by one of the Monty Python guys, in drag, when they were portraying dowdy housewives gossiping over the back fence.
And now for my mini-rant:
Hey, you old nic-fiends. Yes, I walk up the building’s parking garage most days in the mornings. Yes, I have lost 40 pounds over the last year, partly due to this and partly due to not eating all the sugary crap which is left all over our office.
And I purposely do the garage-walk thing a little earlier than our office’s typical break-time, because I know that all you smokers from this company sit around in the parking garage’s smoking area and I don’t want to walk past you and attract your snotty comments on my activity. Today I accidentally was a bit later than usual and walked past the clump of puffing sardonic harpies, and as expected, they made oh-so-clever remarks at my expense. One woman in particular is quite a funny person, but unfortunately, all her humor is at the expense of anyone she thinks is has some sort of advantage over her.
I hope the lot of you get spotty x-rays. Y’all are fat, too.
You mean you’ve lost 40 pounds by walking in the parking garage, and the smokers are ragging on you because you’re doing it? I’m outraged right along with you.
Congratulations on your weight loss. Fuck them.
It’s kind of a “reverse-snobbery” thing, I suppose. They feel guilty because they’re spending their break smoking and I’m walking, so they make with a funny put-down to make themselves feel better.
I think this is a case of “the best revenge is living well.” They KNOW you’re doing what they should be doing - I don’t think you need to do anything but just smile at them.
Nod, smile, and say, "I’m glad your exercise program is coming along so well too. " 
“I’m overweight and you stink. Tomorrow I will weigh a little less.”
I don’t even know if this is worth bothering to mini-rant about it - I went shopping at Wal*Mart after work, and after putting my stuff in my car, I took my cart to the cart corral. I turned around to go back to my car, and there is someone else’s cart stuck on my driver’s side door. Heavy sigh. A pox of mosquito bites on people who can’t walk ten feet to put their cart away, and leave it in someone else’s way.
I like Sunspace’s reply to that
Here’s my rant. I just got phished. No, I didn’t fall for it, but what I don’t like is the way the hook was baited. You see, I’m collecting unemployment and I just got an e-mail saying there were too many failed log in accounts to the debit card my state issues people on unemployment. Fortunately, I’m a suspicious little critter, so I investigated further and found out that, legitimate as the e-mail looked, and it looked pretty legitimate, it was the bait in a phishing scheme. May the bottom-feeding troglodytic* scum who came up with this way to cheat people who already have it tough never know what it’s like to be desperate for rent or food money because they’ve been ripped off. Please, like maggots infesting a slowly rotting piece of diseased meat, go and find another universe to infest. Better yet, go and become food for other maggots. I don’t need creatures like you feeding off the misery of others.
*Apologies to troglodytes and, for that matter, bottom feeders.
Okay former roommate, I get it. We don’t get along and you don’t want to stay friends. That’s fine with me. I wish we could have just accepted that we don’t live together well and gone back to being friends but honestly I’m not missing out on much by not having you in my life. If you don’t want to talk to me I am cool with that BUT I AM NOT CALLING YOU BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE MAKING SMALL TALK! I am calling because your stupid ass left bout $200 worth of electronics and phone accessories (not to mention your spare glasses) here and I would like to send them to you so I don’t get served with papers a year from now for selling your shit. Answer your phone. You don’t have to make small talk or enjoy the conversation but give me a forwarding address to send you your crap. And if you didn’t want to keep in touch maybe you shouldn’t have made such a huge fucking deal about wanting me to call you and email you and stuff when you left. Don’t stand there and beg me to call you and then take me off your facebook and block my number. That is immature and rude and is preventing you from getting your bluetooth and your spare glasses back.
Hate to break it to you, but there’s nothing in between boyfriend and fiance. That’s just how it is. If you’re not engaged, then he’s still your boyfriend. Hope this helps.
I am unemployed now for 2 weeks and can’t sleep because I don’t have a job (mini-rant due to it being only 2 weeks, I know it takes time to find a job at least on the level I was at… something like a month for every $10,000?)
My truck is suddenly overheating.
The lettuce and tomato for my lunch was frozen. Somehow a BLT without the L and the T is pitiful.
I have a cold.
Dear Girlfriend,
I’m really glad you’ve been finding interesting articles to share with me in your continuing studies in grad school. However, every link that you’ve sent me is to an article in some academic database that requires a paid subscription. Every link. I can’t read them, and I’m not willing to shell out the hundreds of dollars your large university library pays for the subscription.
Friend of my sister’s husband, who has become a friend of mine as well, you don’t have to stop sending me gross videos, because you are officially a person who I will not open emails from any longer. I told you after you sent me “two girls, one cup” without warning me what it was that it was too much for me, and I didn’t appreciate it, but the video yesterday of two Japanese girls having sex while vomiting on each other was the end. If you don’t respect my desire to not ambush me with gross porn, I will simply not open another email from you (I’m still trying to figure out how to block his email address from my home email). I don’t really understand this, either - he’s a very nice, respectable, funny guy, who seems to have no idea that other people don’t want to see gross things, even when they say so explicitly.
And now, after trying to set spam controls on my email account, please allow me to extend my rant to all utility/service provides who make the man the account owner, and give his wife no rights or privileges on accounts except those which my husband has called the company and asked them to give me. This is not the first time this has happened; I’m financially responsible for all of our utilities, but I have no rights that my husband has not called and asked them to give me. This is such bullshit.